Toxic parents

 

In my previous writing, I wrote my own experience, that in my opinion, mothers love their children unconditionally, no matter what happens, a mother will always support her child. In Bahasa Indonesia, there is a proverb: "Kasih ibu sepanjang jalan, kasih anak sepanjang galah." or "A mother's love is as long as a road while a child's love is as long as a pole". In other words we can say a mother's love is timeless while a child's love is limited.

 

Is it always like this?

 

*******

 

Not long after Angie graduated from college in 2015, she got a job, as a content writer. Although the job was not in accordance with her educational background, I supported her to take it. I coincidentally just lost a job back then. Therefore, with her working and her own earning, I didn't need to give her pocket money anymore. I felt it was high time for her to learn to be responsible with her need.

 

Shockingly, one day Angie told me that one of her workmates -- a girl in her late teenage -- told Angie that she had to give more than 50% of her pay to her parents. As the first child, her parents taught her to be responsible to help make their ends meet. She graduated only from high school since her parents didn't have money to send her to college. She didn't complain. She thought that her parents had right to ask her to do that. Moreover her parents cited some verses from the holy Book that children were supposed to be indebted toward their parents to live in this world.

 

I believe that this workmate of Angie's is not the only one who shares the same idea: children must love their parents unconditionally by, let's say, giving the parents their pay after getting a job. I often read some statuses on social medias about toxic parents who treat their children as source of income. Worse than that, some toxic parents even ask the less loved kid to financially fulfill the other siblings' need.

 

Here is one sample showing that a mother can be toxic while the daughter even loves the mother unconditionally. I am of opinion that this kinda thing happens because the parents 'teach' their children like what I wrote above: "the holy Book instructs the children to love their parents unconditionally because without their parents, they will never exist in this world."

 

I screenshot it from 'threads'

 

 

PT56 13.27 11/09/2024

 

A mother's love versus a daughter's love

 

4 September 2022, at Gumuk Reco, Banyubiru, Ambarawa

When I knew that Mom was on her final days in this world, every day I was full of worry and anxiety. And of course I kept hoping that Mom would have longer life than what I was worried about. I could not figure out why I felt that way. What was I afraid of when I had to go on living without Mom?

 

As long as I remember, Mom raised her kids in a traditional way: "I know better than you do because I am your Mom; I am older than you so I know things better." This made me feel unsure to start talking about some personal matters openly. In this case, especially, is my 'converting' from being a religious Muslim to being an agnostic. I was not sure if she would accept my explanation; therefore when she scolded me because I didn't do any ritual pray, I kept quiet. Some blog friends advised me to talk about it with Mom openly, who knows then she would understand, but I chose to be quiet.

 

One time, Mom was really angry with me, perhaps because I never responded her interrogation about my stopping doing the rituals, I came to think that perhaps she would ask me to leave the house. I already said to Angie about this possibility, and she was ready to be with me.

 

(FYI, Angie and I never get involved to talk about our spiritual belief. Nevertheless, we both don't do religious rituals.)

 

In fact, Mom never asked me to leave the house, till she passed away. I am of opinion that despite the fact she used to scold me, she loved me unconditionally. No matter what I had done back then, she accepted me just the way I was.

 

After she was gone, I realized how brave, strong and tough Mom was, not to mention loving to her children. She was still 18 years old when marrying Dad, and he brought her to Semarang, a town located very far from her hometown, Gorontalo. (Dad is from Gorontalo too.) Both Mom and Dad did not have any relatives living in Semarang.

 

27 years after their marriage, Dad passed away, his body was buried in Semarang. This made Mom insist to stay in Semarang when her brother and sisters in Gorontalo asked her to go back to her hometown at that time. "In order to visit Dad's graveyard easily now and then" and I believe Mom chose this also in order that she didn't give a cultural shock to her four children, in case we moved to Gorontalo.

 

After Mom passed away, I came to think how her life perhaps would be easier if she moved back to Gorontalo, her siblings as well as her other relatives could be her shoulder to cry on when she needed one. This is why I thought that the decision to go on living in Semarang was for her children too.

 

I am of opinion that Mom belonged to a type of person who didn't think it was necessary to utter love to her children. She even was not accustomed to calling her children with loving nick, as I always call Angie, "honey …" But I know she loves her children unconditionally. Even though the way she raised me made me see her as an 'invincible' woman with whom I am not supposed to debate. In return, I cannot show her my love for her openly either.

 

*******

 

On facebook, I have a 'friend' who once a while writes about her relationship with her mom. Her mom belongs to the conventional type, that once in a while triggers conflict between my friend and her mom. When reading her statuses about her mom, I assume that her mom is more conventional than my Mom. For example, after my friend's daughter graduated from college, her mother spontaneously asked her to marry off her daughter. She believes that it the 'normal' step of a human being. My Mom was not like that at all. When she passed away, my younger sister was 47 years old, still single, and Mom accepted it, no grumpy utterances whatsoever.

 

On the other hand, in fact, I was more 'courageous' to face Mom than that friend of mine. For example, when I was a teenager, I already had an experience to go hiking/trekking, to ride my own motorcycle, one thing that she was not allowed to do by her mom, and she just obeyed her mom. While in fact, I already felt not 'that' free, let's say, Mom never allowed me to go out of town with my classmate, although we would go with her parents. Mom never allowed me to go camping although it was a school's activity.

 

I believe the way our mothers loved their daughters was different. My friend's mother was too worried if something wrong happened so she didn't have experiences like going hiking or riding motorcycle during her teenage years (including when she was in college). My mom was a bit like that, but she still let me go hiking and riding motorcycle.

 

The difference was I never had a heart to speak up to Mom, especially talking about my spiritual belief. This friend of mine, finally, had courage to confront her mom after she reached the age of fifty something, without feeling guilty.

 

Meanwhile, around 2 years ago, Angie told me that one good friend of hers was expelled from her house by her mother because the mother thought the daughter didn't want to listen to her, such as to save her income, such a trivial thing (for me) to ask a daughter to go out of the house. Angie's friend belongs to the Gen Z, who is accustomed to talking openly about anything, while her mother -- the Gen X -- could not accept that. Angie's friend left the house and lived in a boarding house.

 

Around 15 years ago, I also had a workmate who was expelled by her mother from home because of the quarrel between her parents, and my workmate was on her father's side! And this happened to her several times. (when this workmate of mine quarreled with her mother, she was expelled from home. Several months later, she went back home, when her mother was no longer angry. But then this happened again and again.)

 

As far as I remember, Angie and I never have such a fight that makes us stay away from each other. And I never understand how a mother can ask her child to leave the house for something trivial like that.

 

From some cases above, I cannot say that in general mothers love their children unconditionally.

 

------------------------

 

Several days after Mom passed away, I read Angie's blog about her grandma's passing. She gave it a title, "The sun in my family was gone." (Now I am wondering if she chose 'the sun' to describe her grandma because I labeled her as my lovely STAR? If she is a star, her grandma is the sun.) There she wrote about a wish she used to have when she was younger.

 

"I had a wish that I never wanted to experience someone dear in the family passes away. If I can choose, I want to do it first so that I don't need to feel the deep sorrow of being left."

 

This shocked me!

 

I don't think I can accept this! I want everything to run 'normally' in my life: those who pass (first) are those who are older than the others. Not only can I not accept it, but I also don't want to think about it. Let me die first. But I don't wanna leave Angie now or in the near future. Angie is still single and young. When Mom passed away, I was 51 years old and I have already had Angie, and until now I still sometimes shed tears when remembering Mom (I don't think I loved her enough back then.) I want, at least, Angie to have a loving and loved soul mate first, then has child who will comfort her from her sorrow. In my humble opinion, she needs a reliable shoulder to cry on. Although in my dictionary, I believe that no child is ready to be left by his/her loving/loved parent(s), especially a mother.

 

PT56 - MS48 05 September 2024

 

Frienemy with Mom

My relationship with my Mom was not as smooth as my relationship with my daughter, Angie. I believe I am not the only person who experienced this. For instance, take a look at Gilmore Girls serials. Lorelai's relationship with Emily, her mom was not as good as her relationship with Rory, her daughter.

 

the pic was taken from here

Around a year ago, I wrote one article I entitled "parent-child relationship". In it, I illustrated that good relationship between parents and children was caused by a big age gap between parents and children. One comment was written by a friend of mine, "I have frienemy relationship with my mom. This was caused by the time when I was born, my dad passed away." Another comment from another friend, "I have an awkward relationship with my mom; we love each other but we were not close to each other. This is totally different from my relationship with my daughter. Perhaps I am more 'friendly' than 'motherly' to my only daughter. Perhaps what you said was right: bigger age gap between my mom and me made our relationship awkward."

the pic was taken from here

 

Well, in fact my age gap with my mom is shorter than my age gap with Angie. My mom was 23 years old when I was born; I was 24 years old when Angie was born. However, learning from my experience as a child, I treated Angie differently from the way my mom raised me. Well, I could do this perhaps because I have only one child. Although I was busy as a breadwinner outside home (my mom was a housewife), I have more intimate relationship with Angie.

 

Nevertheless, I have never come to the term 'frienemy' to describe my relationship with my mom. Although both of us were born in August -- under the same zodiac, Leo -- our upbringing and education were different.

 

***********

 

On facebook, I have one cyber friend who often writes about her bad relationship with her mom. In the past, she disliked her mom. However after learning meditation, where loving oneself, healing oneself and forgiving others are included, she seemed to view her relationship with her mother from different point. Of course she could not 'change' her mom's attitude or behavior; it is easier to change her own way of thinking in understanding her mother. Realizing that she was quite successful in it, she spread this to her facebook friends.

 

 

In my 'feminist' blog, I used to write about my spiritual view which was difficult to understand by my mom. Some comments told me to try explaining my spiritual awakening to my mom -- in order that she would understand me better -- but I chose to be quiet when my mom sort of investigated me about this. Some questions like, "Are you not Moslem anymore?" or "So, what is your religion now?" or "Why don't you do rituals (pray five times a day) anymore, while when you were little you even did them diligently?" or "Do you want to go to hell?" etc.

 

I chose to keep quiet because I thought she would never understand my 'awakening'. Besides, I didn't have any courage to do it. I was a coward. 😓

 

However, after my mom passed away, I believe she still loved me no matter what I have become. She never pushed me to go out of the house, although in fact Angie and I were ready to leave the house. She never refused me when I was by her side to accompany her during her last few months living.

 

I love you Mom. Rest in peace.

 

PT56 18.08 07-July-2020

Mother - daughter relationship

I just read an article on how parents –especially mothers – wrongly treat their daughters so that it will worsen the relationship between mother – daughter. To make it worse, it will make daughters lose their confidence to be women.

Click here http://cetak.kompas.com/read/xml/2010/04/11/04030467/ibu.dan.anak.perempuan (in Bahasa Indonesia)

The fact that many mothers becoming the biggest critic to their daughters is the main scapegoat. The criticism varies from a ‘trivial’ thing such as wearing ‘improper’ clothes and makeup (according to the mothers’ opinion of course), to the way how daughters comment on their mothers’ confiding in them, to what kind of guy daughters date, until the so-called ridiculous thing in this era – checking their hymen when those mothers find out that their daughters have already had sex out of wedlock and then force them to have hymen operation, in order to be ‘recognized’ as “pure” women when they have their ‘first night’ with their husband later on.

The first point: wearing improper clothes and makeup. Indeed it is true that those ‘mothers’ were also “victims” in their own era. For example when they did not wear ‘proper’ makeup and clothes, they were ridiculed by their contemporaries – let’s say schoolmates, college mates, or workmates. Their being inferior made them feel uneasy. Not being able to find the reason what made them uncomfortable, they took the negative comment to their heart. In fact, it didn’t need to happen like that if they had big confidence to be themselves: to wear clothes and make according to their own taste.

Not wanting their daughters to be ridiculed like how they used to be, those mothers keep criticizing their daughters. They force their daughters to follow the ‘trend’ or even worse, the way patriarchal culture stereotypes women’s appearance. They do not realize that their daughters are different from them. In fact, those mothers just need to be confident, and tell their daughters, “Be yourself, and be confident.”

The second point: the way daughters comment on their mothers. It is also believed that people tend to forget that nothing stays the same, era changes. When their daughters were still little, they tended to listen to anything their mothers said. After the daughters grow up, getting knowledge – both from school / campus or from their socializing with many people, they possibly have different ways of thinking from their mothers. When their mothers confide in them – for example how their husbands treat them badly – the daughters comment something that is perhaps inappropriate, or not to the mothers’ want, the mothers complain strongly, “Why are you so mean to me? Not like when you were a kid?” This then makes their relationship bad. The mothers accuse the daughters misunderstand them. Worse than this, these inferior mothers will threaten their daughters that they will not get a husband if they do not behave well.

Again, in this case, I see how marriage-oriented society – as a result of patriarchal culture – victimizes women.

The third point: judging the guy the daughters date. Instead of having an open heart-to-heart communication between mothers and daughters, there is a tendency that those mothers just judge the guy the daughters date. The mothers’ disapproval without giving clear reasons absolutely worsens the relationship. It will be worse when the mothers keep bugging their daughters whose age is considered to be ‘crucial’ to get married soon. “Don’t make me embarrassed because you are still single in this age. Get a guy and marry him.” However, when the daughters date a guy who is not to the mothers’ ‘taste’, they will be condemned.

Again, the patriarchal culture takes its toll!

The fourth point is the worst of all. In this era, like it or not, having sex outside the wedlock has become sub culture all over the world, including Indonesia. However, many so-called conventional mothers just think about their own ‘good name’ before the parents of the guy the daughter is going to marry. To be able to keep the daughters’ purity is still one thing making them proud to be ‘good parents’. Therefore when they find out that their daughters have had sex outside the wedlock, they will ask their daughters to have hymen operation. They don’t realize that it will even degrade their own self-esteem. Isn’t it better that those mothers – daughters have good and open communication so that they will understand each other well.

When viewing it from feminist point of view, sadly I must say that even in this era, patriarchal culture still strongly exists.

PT56 21.41 110410