True love, anyone?

Do you believe in true love?

Several days ago, Siti Nurhaliza, one diva from Malaysia who is also popular in Indonesia got married. (I also wrote about her some months ago, in one post of mine here.) I never really feel interested in knowing anything that happens to celebrities. However, since my workmates talked about this for some days, it made me want to write something on it. (what the hell made my workmates gossiped such a trivial thing?)

Many people seem to feel sorry why Siti married a divorced man with some children. In Indonesian culture, people tend to think that a single girl marries a single boy (meaning both of them haven’t got married yet.); divorced women marry divorced men. What a shame if a single girl/boy marries someone who is divorced or whose ex spouse has passed away. A single girl/boy is supposed to be considered as still ‘virgin’; and there is a consensus in Indonesian culture (perhaps I can call it as overt culture here) that a virgin marries a virgin. People will talk about it ‘hotly’ if the consensus is broken. More hotly again if a divorced woman or widow marries a single boy (meaning a boy/man who isn’t married yet) It is more acceptable when a divorced man or widower marries a single girl.
Similar as a case where a woman marries a younger man. The couple are also considered as breaking the consensus so that they deserve to be gossiped. LOL. (The consensus says that a man marries a younger woman! LOL.)

Going back about Siti Nurhaliza’s marriage. My workmates said, “What is Siti Nurhaliza looking for by marrying a divorced man? She will not get a ‘virgin’, LOL. Money? As a popular diva, she must have lots of money. Moreover, the man is much older than Siti. (The best different age gap is around 3-5 years old here.)

Another workmate tried suggesting an answer, “But her husband is very very wealthy!”

And the crowd commented, “Oh, in fact that adorable Siti Nurhaliza is just a materialistic girl!”

In the middle of noisy ‘gossiping’ in the teachers’ room, I kept quiet; not interested to involve myself. But, then, I said to a good workmate of mine, “Aha … I will write this topic for my blog!” LOL. LOL.

For Siti Nurhaliza (I am not her fan though, LOL) or for her fans who happen to read this post, I wish her all the best for her future life—her career and her personal life.

And as romantic person, I assume that true love will not consider whether someone is rich or poor, younger or older, "virgin" or "not virgin", bla bla bla ... LOL. Or as many people are cynical, true love is only consumed by foolish people??? LOL

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Dowry

Some weeks ago, one headline in the local newspaper published in my hometown,Semarang talked about one popular singer from Malaysia, Siti Nurhaliza who was said was just proposed by a wealthy businessman who was in his mid forties. Datuk, that’s his nickname, has given her, as a dowry, a very luxurious car and house that perhaps cost more than US $ 425,000. When I saw his picture in the newspaper, I said, “Well, he’s good looking enough.” A female workmate—around 26 years old—commented, “His money made him look handsome. Anyway, who will refuse to be given a dowry that expensive? No woman will refuse, of course.” (FYI, this workmate of mine was proposed by her boyfriend some months ago and now she is still preparing her wedding ceremony.) I commented back (with my cynical character L), “Do you want to sell yourself? Do you consider yourself as a property and deserve to be bought that expensive?”

“Well, I don’t think it is about buying and selling in a marriage. ...” that’s her reply. I didn’t comment more. I knew she belongs to the conventional type (I concluded like that from our daily encounter and talk) and it would be difficult for her to accept my viewpoint that there is not much different of a role of a housewife from that of a prostitute. Paying some amount of money in the form of dowry is similar to a case when a customer pays a prostitute before (or after?) having sex. I didn’t want to “poison” her. LOL.

I remember the four main attributes of a “true” woman in The Cult of True Womanhood appearing in the nineteenth century America; namely, piety, purity, domesticity, and submission. The second attribute—purity—obliged women to be pure, virgin, before the first night of her wedding coz she had to give her virginity to her husband as the payment of the dowry her husband had paid to her parents. While for the other three attributes, they were the “service” she had to give her husband as the payment of the monthly paycheck she received after marrying him.

No wonder, then, if men thought that their women were their property, coz of the amount of money those men had to pay.

In Javanese culture, in Java island where I live, one big island in Indonesia—the most populated one—dowry is called “tukon” that can be interpreted as money used to buy something. As many other ethnic groups in the world, in Javanese culture, men pay the dowry to the bride’s family. Many parents who consider their daughters as their property will sell their daughters with high price, as the “substitute” of the amount of money they have spent to raise the daughters—food, clothes, shelter, including education. Those parents want the money they have spent back by “selling” their daughters.

This culture dates back from the time immemorial. After getting married, women will feel that they are responsible to take care of their husband’s need; such as preparing meals, washing clothes, cleaning the house, etc. For men who used to be independent before getting married, doing all those things by themselves, after getting married suddenly they no longer can do them, they depend on their wife. The one who buys is the superior. The one who is bought is the servant, the submissive.

However, there is one ethnic group in Indonesia that has contradictory culture in paying dowry. In Minang culture located in Sumatra island, women pay the dowry. If one woman wants to propose a man who is good-looking, she must pay expensive, the more quality the more expensive, that’s for sure. The following question, then, is whether Minang women then are superior to their husband coz they are the one who buy? NO is the answer. The responsibilities given to women as servant—cooking to prepare meals, cleaning the house, washing and ironing clothes—still belong to women. With their unique culture called “matrilineal”, men in Minang culture are not responsible toward their wife and children financially. Instead, they are responsible toward their nephews and nieces of their daughters. Women in Minang are indeed more unfortunate than Javanese women, I assume. They have to spend some money to “buy” their husband-to-be so that they will get married. (Don’t forget Indonesia’s marriage-oriented society, you are NORMAL only when you are married after reaching a certain age.) After the wedding, instead of being the “owner” of the “property” they have bought, those Minang women must serve their husband, and their husband doesn’t need to finance their household. It is very possible for irresponsible men to ignore the needs of their wife and children coz in fact it is justified by the local culture. It will be more unfortunate for women who don’t have any brother that is obliged to be responsible for the lives of the sister and nieces/nephews.

Going back to Siti Nurhaliza’s case. She is a very popular and talented singer. It is very logical then if she deserves to get very expensive car and house as the dowry although she herself doesn’t really need that money (at least, this is my way of thinking J) coz she is already rich to be number one singer in Malaysia. :)

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