Poligami = Sunnah?

Artikel dari sebuah milis. Well, ide yang ditulis tidak beda jauh dari apa yang kutulis dari Polygamy = Sunnah Rasul? yang dalam bahasa Inggris itu. :) It shows that Faqihudin Abdul Kodir and I are sailing in the same boat. :)

Benarkah Poligami Sunah?
Faqihuddin Abdul Kodir

UNGKAPAN "poligami itu sunah" sering digunakan sebagai pembenaran poligami. Namun, berlindung pada pernyataan itu, sebenarnya bentuk lain dari pengalihan tanggung jawab atas tuntutan untuk berlaku adil karena pada kenyataannya, sebagaimana ditegaskan Al Quran, berlaku adil sangat sulit dilakukan (An-Nisa: 129).

DALIL "poligami adalah sunah" biasanya diajukan karena sandaran kepada teks ayat Al Quran (QS An-Nisa, 4: 2-3) lebih mudah dipatahkan. Satu-satunya ayat yang berbicara tentang poligami sebenarnya tidak mengungkapkan hal itu pada konteks memotivasi, apalagi mengapresiasi poligami. Ayat ini meletakkan poligami pada konteks perlindungan terhadap yatim piatu dan janda korban perang.

Dari kedua ayat itu, beberapa ulama kontemporer, seperti Syekh Muhammad Abduh, Syekh Rashid Ridha, dan Syekh Muhammad al-Madan-ketiganya ulama terkemuka Azhar Mesir-lebih memilih memperketat.

Lebih jauh Abduh menyatakan, poligami adalah penyimpangan dari relasi perkawinan yang wajar dan hanya dibenarkan secara syar'i dalam keadaan darurat sosial, seperti perang, dengan syarat tidak menimbulkan kerusakan dan kezaliman (Tafsir al-Manar, 4/287).

Anehnya, ayat tersebut bagi kalangan yang propoligami dipelintir menjadi "hak penuh" laki-laki untuk berpoligami. Dalih mereka, perbuatan itu untuk mengikuti sunah Nabi Muhammad SAW. Menjadi menggelikan ketika praktik poligami bahkan dipakai sebagai tolok ukur keislaman seseorang: semakin aktif berpoligami dianggap semakin baik poisisi keagamaannya. Atau, semakin bersabar seorang istri menerima permaduan, semakin baik kualitas imannya.

Slogan-slogan yang sering dimunculkan misalnya, "poligami membawa berkah", atau "poligami itu indah", dan yang lebih populer adalah "poligami itu sunah".

Dalam definisi fikih, sunah berarti tindakan yang baik untuk dilakukan. Umumnya mengacu kepada perilaku Nabi. Namun, amalan poligami, yang dinisbatkan kepada Nabi, ini jelas sangat distorsif. Alasannya, jika memang dianggap sunah, mengapa Nabi tidak melakukannya sejak pertama kali berumah tangga?

Nyatanya, sepanjang hayatnya, Nabi lebih lama bermonogami daripada berpoligami. Bayangkan, monogami dilakukan Nabi di tengah masyarakat yang menganggap poligami adalah lumrah. Rumah tangga Nabi SAW bersama istri tunggalnya, Khadijah binti Khuwalid RA, berlangsung selama 28 tahun. Baru kemudian, dua tahun sepeninggal Khadijah, Nabi berpoligami. Itu pun dijalani hanya sekitar delapan tahun dari sisa hidup beliau. Dari kalkulasi ini, sebenarnya tidak beralasan pernyataan "poligami itu sunah".

Sunah, seperti yang didefinisikan Imam Syafi'i (w. 204 H), adalah penerapan Nabi SAW terhadap wahyu yang diturunkan. Pada kasus poligami Nabi sedang mengejawantahkan Ayat An-Nisa 2-3 mengenai perlindungan terhadap janda mati dan anak-anak yatim. Dengan menelusuri kitab Jami' al-Ushul (kompilasi dari enam kitab hadis ternama) karya Imam Ibn al-Atsir (544-606H), kita dapat menemukan bukti bahwa poligami Nabi adalah media untuk menyelesaikan persoalan social saat itu, ketika lembaga sosial yang ada belum cukup kukuh untuk solusi.

Bukti bahwa perkawinan Nabi untuk penyelesaian problem sosial bisa dilihat pada teks-teks hadis yang membicarakan perkawinan-perkawinan Nabi. Kebanyakan dari mereka adalah janda mati,
kecuali Aisyah binti bu Bakr RA.

Selain itu, sebagai rekaman sejarah jurisprudensi Islam, ungkapan "poligami itu sunah" juga merupakan reduksi yang sangat besar. Nikah saja, menurut fikih, memiliki berbagai predikat hukum, tergantung kondisi calon suami, calon istri, atau kondisi masyarakatnya. Nikah bisa wajib, sunah, mubah (boleh), atau sekadar diizinkan. Bahkan, Imam al-Alusi dalam tafsirnya, Rûhal-Ma'âni, menyatakan, nikah bisa diharamkan ketika calon suami tahu dirinya tidak akan bisa memenuhi hak-hak istri, apalagi sampai menyakiti dan mencelakakannya. Demikian halnya dengan poligami. Karena itu, Muhammad Abduh dengan melihat kondisi Mesir saat itu, lebih memilih mengharamkan poligami.

Nabi dan larangan poligami

Dalam kitab Ibn al-Atsir, poligami yang dilakukan Nabi adalah upaya transformasi sosial (lihat pada Jâmi' al-Ushûl, juz XII, 108-179). Mekanisme poligami yang diterapkan Nabi merupakan strategi untuk meningkatkan kedudukan perempuan dalam tradisi feodal Arab pada abad ke-7 Masehi. Saat itu, nilai sosial seorang perempuan dan janda sedemikian rendah sehingga seorang laki-laki dapat beristri sebanyak mereka suka.

Sebaliknya, yang dilakukan Nabi adalah membatasi praktik poligami, mengkritik perilaku sewenang-wenang, dan menegaskan keharusan berlaku adil dalam berpoligami.

Ketika Nabi melihat sebagian sahabat telah mengawini delapan sampai sepuluh perempuan, mereka diminta menceraikan dan menyisakan hanya empat. Itulah yang dilakukan Nabi kepada Ghilan bin Salamah ats-Tsaqafi RA, Wahb al-Asadi, dan Qais bin al-Harits. Dan, inilah pernyataan eksplisit dalam pembatasan terhadap kebiasan poligami yang awalnya tanpa batas sama sekali.

Pada banyak kesempatan, Nabi justru lebih banyak menekankan prinsip keadilan berpoligami. Dalam sebuah ungkapan dinyatakan: "Barang siapa yang mengawini dua perempuan, sedangkan ia tidak bisa berbuat adil kepada keduanya, pada hari akhirat nanti separuh tubuhnya akan lepas dan terputus" (Jâmi' al-Ushûl, juz XII, 168, nomor hadis: 9049). Bahkan, dalam berbagai kesempatan, Nabi SAW menekankan pentingnya bersikap sabar dan menjaga perasaan istri.

Teks-teks hadis poligami sebenarnya mengarah kepada kritik, pelurusan, dan pengembalian pada prinsip keadilan. Dari sudut ini, pernyataan "poligami itu sunah" sangat bertentangan dengan apa yang disampaikan Nabi. Apalagi dengan melihat pernyataan dan sikap Nabi yang sangat tegas menolak poligami Ali bin Abi Thalib RA. Anehnya, teks hadis ini jarang dimunculkan kalangan propoligami. Padahal, teks ini diriwayatkan para ulama hadis terkemuka: Bukhari, Muslim, Turmudzi, dan Ibn Majah.

Nabi SAW marah besar ketika mendengar putri beliau, Fathimah binti Muhammad SAW, akan dipoligami Ali bin Abi Thalib RA. Ketika mendengar rencana itu, Nabi pun langsung masuk ke masjid dan naik mimbar, lalu berseru: "Beberapa keluarga Bani Hasyim bin al-Mughirah meminta izin kepadaku untuk mengawinkan putri mereka dengan Ali bin Abi Thalib. Ketahuilah, aku tidak akan mengizinkan, sekali lagi tidak akan mengizinkan. Sungguh tidak aku izinkan, kecuali Ali bin Abi Thalib menceraikan putriku, kupersilakan mengawini putri mereka. Ketahuilah, putriku itu bagian dariku; apa yang mengganggu perasaannya adalah menggangguku juga, apa yang menyakiti hatinya adalah menyakiti hatiku juga." (Jâmi' al-Ushûl, juz XII, 162, nomor hadis: 9026).

Sama dengan Nabi yang berbicara tentang Fathimah, hampir setiap orangtua tidak akan rela jika putrinya dimadu. Seperti dikatakan Nabi, poligami akan menyakiti hati perempuan, dan juga menyakiti hati orangtuanya.

Jika pernyataan Nabi ini dijadikan dasar, maka bisa dipastikan yang sunah justru adalah tidak mempraktikkan poligami karena itu yang tidak dikehendaki Nabi. Dan, Ali bin Abi Thalib RA sendiri tetap bermonogami sampai Fathimah RA wafat.

Poligami tak butuh dukungan teks

Sebenarnya, praktik poligami bukanlah persoalan teks, berkah, apalagi sunah, melainkan persoalan budaya. Dalam pemahaman budaya, praktik poligami dapat dilihat dari tingkatan sosial yang berbeda.

Bagi kalangan miskin atau petani dalam tradisi agraris, poligami dianggap sebagai strategi pertahanan hidup untuk penghematan pengelolaan sumber daya. Tanpa susah payah, lewat poligami akan diperoleh tenaga kerja ganda tanpa upah. Kultur ini dibawa migrasi ke kota meskipun stuktur masyarakat telah berubah. Sementara untuk kalangan priayi, poligami tak lain dari bentuk pembendamatian perempuan. Ia disepadankan dengan harta dan takhta yang berguna untuk mendukung penyempurnaan derajat sosial lelaki.

Dari cara pandang budaya memang menjadi jelas bahwa poligami merupakan proses dehumanisasi perempuan. Mengambil pandangan ahli pendidikan Freire, dehumanisasi dalam konteks poligami terlihat mana kala perempuan yang dipoligami mengalami self-depreciation. Mereka membenarkan, bahkan bersetuju dengan tindakan poligami meskipun mengalami penderitaan lahir batin luar biasa. Tak sedikit di antara mereka yang menganggap penderitaan itu adalah pengorbanan yang sudah sepatutnya dijalani, atau poligami itu terjadi karena kesalahannya sendiri.

Dalam kerangka demografi, para pelaku poligami kerap mengemukakan argumen statistik. Bahwa apa yang mereka lakukan hanyalah kerja bakti untuk menutupi kesenjangan jumlah penduduk yang tidak seimbang antara lelaki dan perempuan. Tentu saja argumen ini malah menjadi bahan tertawaan. Sebab, secara statistik, meskipun jumlah perempuan sedikit lebih tinggi, namun itu hanya terjadi pada usia di atas 65 tahun atau di bawah 20 tahun. Bahkan, di dalam kelompok umur 25-29 tahun, 30-34 tahun, dan 45-49 tahun jumlah lelaki lebih tinggi. (Sensus DKI dan Nasional tahun 2000; terima kasih kepada lembaga penelitian IHS yang telah memasok data ini).

Namun, jika argumen agama akan digunakan, maka sebagaimana prinsip yang dikandung dari teks-teks keagamaan itu, dasar poligami seharusnya dilihat sebagai jalan darurat. Dalam kaidah fikih, kedaruratan memang diperkenankan. Ini sama halnya dengan memakan bangkai; suatu tindakan yang dibenarkan manakala tidak ada yang lain yang bisa dimakan kecuali bangkai.

Dalam karakter fikih Islam, sebenarnya pilihan monogami atau poligami dianggap persoalan parsial. Predikat hukumnya akan mengikuti kondisi ruang dan waktu. Perilaku Nabi sendiri menunjukkan betapa persoalan ini bisa berbeda dan berubah dari satu kondisi ke kondisi lain. Karena itu, pilihan monogami-poligami bukanlah sesuatu yang prinsip. Yang prinsip adalah keharusan untuk selalu merujuk pada prinsip-prinsip dasar syariah, yaitu keadilan, membawa kemaslahatan dan tidak mendatangkan mudarat atau kerusakan (mafsadah).

Dan, manakala diterapkan, maka untuk mengidentifikasi nilai-nilai prinsipal dalam kaitannya dengan praktik poligami ini, semestinya perempuan diletakkan sebagai subyek penentu keadilan. Ini prinsip karena merekalah yang secara langsung menerima akibat poligami. Dan, untuk pengujian nilai-nilai ini haruslah dilakukan secara empiris, interdisipliner, dan obyektif dengan melihat efek poligami dalam realitas sosial masyarakat.

Dan, ketika ukuran itu diterapkan, sebagaimana disaksikan Muhammad Abduh, ternyata yang terjadi lebih banyak menghasilkan keburukan daripada kebaikan. Karena itulah Abduh kemudian meminta pelarangan poligami.

Dalam konteks ini, Abduh menyitir teks hadis Nabi SAW: "Tidak dibenarkan segala bentuk kerusakan (dharar) terhadap diri atau orang lain." (Jâmi'a al-Ushûl, VII, 412, nomor hadis: 4926). Ungkapan ini tentu lebih prinsip dari pernyataan "poligami itu sunah".

Faqihuddin Abdul Kodir
Dosen STAIN Cirebon dan peneliti Fahmina Institute Cirebon, Alumnus Fakultas
Syariah Universitas Damaskus, Suriah

The Hypocrisy of Marriage

One article I got from a mailing list I join. It was taken from a newspaper in Ryadh.

Gulf News (Riyadh)June 16, 2006

'Marriage gangs' prey on youths.

Mariam Al Hakeem, Correspondent

Riyadh -- With the beginning of the summer holidays, a large number
of Arabs, especially from the Gulf states, are traveling to tourist
destinations in various parts of the world, especially in the Far East,
looking to enjoy themselves and relax.

Most of them want to enjoy their holidays in picturesque places,
Visiting historical monuments and taking in the culture.

Some of them, however, will want to take advantage of the opportunity
to try out temporary marriages. They prefer Indonesia over other countries, mainly because of the low cost of living there.

This has resulted in the mushrooming of marriage bureaus in Jakarta and
other major Indonesian cities in recent years.

Organized gangs have also grown up who prey on Arab tourists and try to
lure them with promises of low-cost marriages and then cheating them.

Several Saudi youths, who became prey to these gangs, shared their
Bitter experiences with Gulf News.

They were lured by the false promises of the gang members of "marriages
to beautiful young women under 18 at cheap rates."

In most cases, their brides abandoned them and ran away within few days
of the marriage.

When they then contacted the marriage bureaus, the employees washed
their hands of blame saying that it was not their responsibility to
ensure that their brides stayed with them.

According to the youths, who declined to be named, marriage 'mafias'
Are common in Jakarta, and their activities pivot mainly around places that Arabs frequent.

The gang members introduce themselves as representatives of licensed
marriage bureaus and offer marriage proposals.

The marriage ceremonies are then held at marriage bureaus in the
presence of a licensed marriage notary and two witnesses. The dowry normally ranges between two to three million Indonesian Rupiah (Dh1,000-1,500).

One of the Saudi youths, who was cheated by the gangs, told Gulf News:
"While I was taking my meals at an Arab restaurant in Jakarta, I heard
some young men asking whether anybody wanted to get married to beautiful young girls. I did not pay any attention to them in the beginning.

"When they repeated the offer for the third time, I was interested and
expressed my willingness.

"They then took me to a marriage bureau and I was introduced to a man
called Haider.

"After a short while, Haider paraded five young women in front of me
and asked me to select one. When I had chosen one of them and agreed on
a dowry of four million rupiah (Dh1,468), the marriage notary appeared
with witnesses and solemnised the marriage ceremony," he said.

"When I took my bride to a nearby hotel, she was clearly bewildered.
While I was trying to be friendly with her, she asked me if she could
go out to the nearby pharmacy to buy some medicine and I agreed
not knowing that she would never return," the young man said.

The same was the case with another Saudi youth but with a slight
difference. He went to the marriage bureau and told the story of his
wife's disappearance.

The bureau staff members promised to help him find her. On leaving
the building, he saw his bride going into the same office in the
company of some other girls in order to be paraded in front of the new
"victims".

When he tried to stop her, the security guards held him and the door
was slammed shut.

Some of the Saudi victims managed to lodge complaints with the police.

A policeman was sent with the youths to the marriage bureau in search
of Haider but the police could not trace him and the staff at the
bureau told the police that he was not "in sight".

My comment:
It shows how people just play on marriages. First, those guys who are greedy for sex. Then, they are just made use by women who need money. Third, those "bureous" to get profit as much as possible from this "hidden" prostitute case.

How much are they sure that God likes this kind of thing? They just ABUSE God's verse.

Hobgoblin

"The foolish consistency is the hobgblin of little minds."

--EMERSON--

The fact that one interpretation has been made for several centuries does not always mean that it is the best and the righteous one.

The fact that women are created different from men is undeniable. The fact that women experience different thing in this life is undeniable too. The different way of thinking, the different experience of undergoing this life will create different interpretation.

And why on earth do people easily say that someone new--that happens to be a woman--is wrong in interpreting something? Who has right to say that someone is right and someone is wrong? Who has right to say that someone else's interpretion must be wrong? Who has right to say that his/her interpreation is exactly what God meant for all human beings?

Nobody has proven it yet.
Again, I want to quote what Buddha said:

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.
Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.
But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

I am not Buddhist; I just use MY common sense in interviewing this life.

Stop being nosy, please?

Why do people tend to gossip about other people? Why don’t they just mind their own matter?
To forget their own problems in their life? To make themselves relieved that they are not the only ones who have problems, people need to find out other people’s weaknesses?

Last Sunday, June 18, 2006 when attending a wedding party of a workmate, I saw the new receptionist in my workplace—in her early twenties—come with a guy. I thought he was her boyfriend. In fact, he is her husband. Coz I didn’t know that she was already married, I commented, “Oh, she is already married? I don’t know about it yet.” Well, I suppose it was not my mistake not knowing that she was already married, was it? I never like to dig out other people’s personal problem. I view her as a receptionist, not as a wife of someone, or a child of someone, or a parent of someone. Or was it coz I was an ignorant person?

My comment in fact invited one workmate to talk more about that new receptionist. She said, “She also already has a baby, two and a half years old. She is too young to have a two and a half year old baby, isn’t she? That showed that her marriage was caused of “something”. (read  getting pregnant before the wedding party. In Indonesia, it is still considered a disgrace.)

Knowing the atmosphere no longer conducive, (I don’t like to talk about other people’s personal problem), I tried to stop it by saying, “What’s wrong with our culture? When someone is still single, especially if she/he is considered old enough to get married, society will besiege her/him with questions such as, “When will you get married?” or “When will I get a wedding invitation from you?” After someone gets married for some time, people will besiege them with questions, “So, are you /is your wife already pregnant?” Now that she (the receptionist) already got married and already had a baby, people still talk about her. Why don’t we just shut our mouth talking about other people’s personal life?”

A male workmate—approaching forty years old and still single—laughed loudly hearing what I said. He responded, “Yeah, that’s one characteristic of our people here, Ma’am.”

Well, I just want to try to have a healthier society, where people stop bullying other people’s personal affair.
PT56 20.25 250606

"Good" woman vs "bad" woman?

One aerobics instructor’s husband in the club I join passed away around a week ago. Last Saturday, some people talked about that. One member of that “exclusive” gang (Y) said that she went to the funeral with her husband. It made a woman—around mid forties—talk to a woman sitting next to me, “Hey, you said that she is still single. Didn’t you hear that she came to the funeral with her husband?”
I jokingly commented, “Whose husband?” (I don’t know anything about Y and the other members of exclusive gang’s habit. Well, people talk about their “bad habit”, but I don’t understand about it. I seldom have friendly chat and have small talk with other members of the club. Besides, I don’t like to find out other people’s personal problems.)

R sitting next to me responded, “Yeah, whose husband? Perhaps another woman’s husband but she admitted as her husband?”

Ups … I didn’t expect that my joke in fact caused other people to gossip.  It made me shut my mouth.

R continued saying, “Y said that she didn’t want to get involved with a guy for a long relationship. She did it just for fun with many guys.”

I didn’t comment anything coz I didn’t want to make the situation worse. But it didn’t mean that I didn’t go on listening to other people’s chat. LOL. Besides, I wanted to know more about the other members of the club.

This mid-forties woman continued saying, “I don’t understand why those women don’t feel shy to lie naked in front of many men. I myself feel very shy to my very own husband, that’s why I always do it in the dark.”

Apparently she followed the stereotyping people do; “good” women must not show their desire to men, including their own husbands; they must be passive; bad women are those who show their passion openly, moreover to do it with many men, outside wedlock.

In this patriarchal society, where women are considered to be successful if they can get husband, they’ve got to show to other people that they are “good” woman, so that they deserve to be married by a man. To be considered “good”, they must find the “contradictory”—“bad” woman, so that they busily find out the weakness of other women. Binary opposition requires two contradictory things, good versus bad; passive versus active, the oppressed versus the oppressor, etc.

I didn’t give any comment to what these two mid-forties women talked about. I didn’t like people to judge other people using their own perspective without trying to understand it from different perspective. I chose to keep quiet.

PT56 22.33 250606

Women in the male-dominated society

Some days ago, in one local newspaper, I read an article about a woman—in her forties—killed her husband. When being interrogated by the police, she didn’t show any regret; instead, she said she felt relieved. Simply she said, during their marriage for 17 years, the husband did a lot of violence to her. She didn’t attack him back. However, in the last “fight”, her husband tried to kill her; therefore she had to fight back. And she killed him using a big stone hit to his head.

Another news stated that a twenty-year-old boy killed his stepfather who married his mother two years ago. His reason was he didn’t have a heart to see his stepfather did violence to his mother all the time during their two-year marriage.

Why didn’t the first woman divorce her husband if he always did violence to her? I think the reason was simple: the “myth” planted to people’s mind that people are supposed to get married only once in their life if they want to be considered as “good” people, and also, “good” woman must submit to her husband.

Why did the second woman remarry? To live “single” after the first husband died or coz of divorce is not easy for women here. Society will keep an eye to this kind of women. Other women will be suspicious in case these “single” women would steal their husband. To avoid this, many women choose to remarry, even though the man is violent.

One workmate of mine whose husband died in the early of 2005 remarried by the end of 2005, with her junior high school friend who happened to be still unemployed. Perhaps it was not easy for her to live single (so that it was not a big deal for my workmate to marry an unemployed.) Most people need a companion to live this life. But perhaps it was also caused by this workmate of mine didn’t feel confident to live single when society view her suspiciously (and other women show suspicious look feeling worried if she would steal their husband.)

PT56 22.56 250606

God's Curse?

I just read a short story entitled “Kutukan Tuhan” (God’s curse) in Suara Merdeka, a local newspaper. The writer is one “big” writer in Indonesia, Putu Wijaya. He beautifully “criticized” the way people related natural disasters to God’s curse.

I once heard/read an article about people—I assume they are Muslim people—suspected that the earthquake happened in Yogya coz of God’s anger. The worst area damaged by the earthquake last May 27, 2006 was Bantul, an area where many people converted from Islam to another religion. That rumor stated, “It is God’s hint that they must atone by converting back to Islam.”

It made me question how about Tsunami? It happened more than 2 years ago in Aceh where the majority of the inhabitants are Muslim. Of course the victims were majority Muslims too.
However, Putu Wijaya’s short story is not related to that “apostate” thing. God’s curse came to those sinful and bad people.

How hurtful and not empathetic that “accusation” is.

I suppose that those people suffering from the earthquake will feel hurt when knowing that they were accused as sinful and bad so that they deserved to be punished like that.

While in fact, there are still many other people who have done much more harmful things to other people (e.g. corruptors) still survive “peacefully” and enjoy the “hot” money.

And how those people who say that the earthquake was coz of “God’s curse” have become wise guy. Have they become God themselves so that they daringly said that the earthquake was coz of God’s curse?

What is going on with the way people think and view events, natural disasters, etc?

PT56 21.37 180606