Frienemy with Mom

My relationship with my Mom was not as smooth as my relationship with my daughter, Angie. I believe I am not the only person who experienced this. For instance, take a look at Gilmore Girls serials. Lorelai's relationship with Emily, her mom was not as good as her relationship with Rory, her daughter.

 

the pic was taken from here

Around a year ago, I wrote one article I entitled "parent-child relationship". In it, I illustrated that good relationship between parents and children was caused by a big age gap between parents and children. One comment was written by a friend of mine, "I have frienemy relationship with my mom. This was caused by the time when I was born, my dad passed away." Another comment from another friend, "I have an awkward relationship with my mom; we love each other but we were not close to each other. This is totally different from my relationship with my daughter. Perhaps I am more 'friendly' than 'motherly' to my only daughter. Perhaps what you said was right: bigger age gap between my mom and me made our relationship awkward."

the pic was taken from here

 

Well, in fact my age gap with my mom is shorter than my age gap with Angie. My mom was 23 years old when I was born; I was 24 years old when Angie was born. However, learning from my experience as a child, I treated Angie differently from the way my mom raised me. Well, I could do this perhaps because I have only one child. Although I was busy as a breadwinner outside home (my mom was a housewife), I have more intimate relationship with Angie.

 

Nevertheless, I have never come to the term 'frienemy' to describe my relationship with my mom. Although both of us were born in August -- under the same zodiac, Leo -- our upbringing and education were different.

 

***********

 

On facebook, I have one cyber friend who often writes about her bad relationship with her mom. In the past, she disliked her mom. However after learning meditation, where loving oneself, healing oneself and forgiving others are included, she seemed to view her relationship with her mother from different point. Of course she could not 'change' her mom's attitude or behavior; it is easier to change her own way of thinking in understanding her mother. Realizing that she was quite successful in it, she spread this to her facebook friends.

 

 

In my 'feminist' blog, I used to write about my spiritual view which was difficult to understand by my mom. Some comments told me to try explaining my spiritual awakening to my mom -- in order that she would understand me better -- but I chose to be quiet when my mom sort of investigated me about this. Some questions like, "Are you not Moslem anymore?" or "So, what is your religion now?" or "Why don't you do rituals (pray five times a day) anymore, while when you were little you even did them diligently?" or "Do you want to go to hell?" etc.

 

I chose to keep quiet because I thought she would never understand my 'awakening'. Besides, I didn't have any courage to do it. I was a coward. 😓

 

However, after my mom passed away, I believe she still loved me no matter what I have become. She never pushed me to go out of the house, although in fact Angie and I were ready to leave the house. She never refused me when I was by her side to accompany her during her last few months living.

 

I love you Mom. Rest in peace.

 

PT56 18.08 07-July-2020

Why women leave men they love

Why women leave men they love – what every man needs to know

By Justice Schanfarber 

As a marriage counselor  working with men and women in relationship crisis, I help clients navigate numerous marriage counseling issues. While many situations are complex, there’s one profoundly simple truth that men need to know. It’s this – Women leave men they love.

They feel terrible about it. It tears the heart out of them. But they do it. They rally their courage and their resources and they leave. Women leave men with whom they have children, homes, and lives. Women leave for many reasons, but there’s one reason in particular that haunts me, one that I want men to understand:

Women leave because their man is not present. He’s working, golfing, gaming, watching TV, fishing … the list is long. There aren’t bad men. They’re good men. They’re good fathers. They each support their family. They’re nice, likable, but they take their wife for granted; they’re not present.

taken from here

Women in my office tell me “Someone could come and sweep me off my feet, right out from under my husband.” Sometimes the realization scares them. Sometimes they cry.

Men – I’m not saying this is right or wrong. I’m telling you what I see. You can get as angry or hurt or indignant as you want. Your wife is not your property. She does not owe you her soul. You earn it. Day by day, moment to moment. You earn her first and foremost with your presence, your aliveness. She needs to feel it. She wants to talk to you about what matters to her and to feel you hearing her. Not nodding politely. Not placating. Definitely not playing devil’s advocate.

She wants you to feel her. She doesn’t want absent-minded groping or quick release sex. She want to feel your passion. Can you feel your passion? Can you show her? Not just your passion for her or for sex; your passion for being alive. Do you have it? It’s the most attractive thing you possess. If you’ve lost it, why? Where did it go? Find out. Find it. If you never discovered it you are living on borrowed time.

If you think you’re present with your wife, try listening to her. Does your mind wander? Notice. When you look at her, how deeply do you see her? Look again, look deeper. Meet her gaze and keep it for longer than usual, longer than comfortable. If she asks what you’re doing, tell her. “I’m looking into you. I want to see you deeply. I’m curious about who you are. After all these years, I still want to know who you are every day.” But only say it if you mean it, if you know it’s true.

Touch her down with your full attention. Before you lay your hand on her, notice the sensation in your hand. Notice what happens the moment you make contact. What happens in your body? What do you feel? Notice the most subtle sensations and emotions. (This is sometimes called mindfulness.) Tell her about what you’re noticing, moment to moment.

taken from here

But you’re busy. You don’t have time for this. How about five minutes? Five minutes each day. Will you commit to that? I’m not talking about extravagant dinners or nights out (although those are fine too.) I’m talking about five minutes every day to be completely present to the woman you share your life with. To be completely open – hearing and seeing without judgment. Will you do that? I bet once you start, once you get a taste, you won’t want to stop.

A True Woman?

I shall speak about women’s writing. Woman must write herself. … Woman must put herself into the text—as into the world and into history—by her own movement. (Helene Cioux --- a French feminist writer)

In the nineteenth century America, the main norm imposed to middle and upper class women was well-known as The Cult of True Womanhood. If a woman wanted to be considered as “good” and “true” woman, she had to follow the four attributes in The Cult of True Womanhood; namely piety, purity, submission, and domesticity.

A woman must be pious in order to raise pious children that later on will be the pillars of the country in the future. (It is related to the fact that America was a Puritan country in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries. With its Industrial Revolution in the beginning of the nineteenth century, American men were busy outside home, in industry. To raise religious children, they gave that burden on women’s shoulder! American people didn’t want to leave their heritage as a pious country behind.) Since it is her obligation, she will be easily condemned if the children grow up not as religious people. While the father is “free” from this duty. Easily society will judge the mother as a “bad” woman if something “wrong” (read  the kid doesn’t grow up as pious person) happens. Not the father.

A woman must be pure. This is especially in the context that a woman is not supposed to have sex before marriage. (While men can do it to their hearts’ content!! Either before or after getting married) When a man proposes her for a marriage, a woman must give her virginity to her husband in return of the dowry the husband has paid to her parents. Later on, a woman still must keep their being pure, meaning having sex only with her husband, in return of the monthly paycheck her husbands give. No wonder, then, if many radical feminists propose an idea that marriage is just practice of exclusive prostitution.

A woman must be submissive. She must submit herself to her husband. Her husband has a higher position than her. Inevitably, it must be related to the money the husband gives her every month. (Referring to Marx theory, the one who has money has the authority; the one who doesn’t have money is marginalized.) The husband makes any decision related to the family matters. The woman is supposed to say, “My husband knows better than I do. Whatever he says is the best for all of us.” She is not supposed to argue. She must keep all her own ideas for herself. It is not good to debate a husband.

A woman must be domestic. She has to stay home to take care of all household chores, including to take care of the children and the husband as well.

These four tenets in The Cult of True Womanhood do not differ a lot from what has happened in Indonesia, right? Only we don’t know term like The Cult of True Womanhood with its piety, purity, submission, and domesticity. But the practice is just the same. Since I did research only what happened in the nineteenth century America, I don’t have any idea how these four tenets are similar to the condition in our country. What caused that? Can I simply say that Dutch (as a western country that used to colonize us for more than three centuries) brought this culture to our country? Or our ancestors in the past already practiced this for ages? In America, the separation between public and domestic spheres all started in the beginning of nineteenth century with the industrial revolution (during the previous centuries, people had home industry and America was still an agrarian country, so both men and women spent most of their time at home.)

Besides those four attributes, one most conspicuous thing is prohibiting novel reading. A woman is not allowed to read novels because possibly it will excite their way of thinking so that they will be rebellious toward the “good” norm. When a woman wants to read, she is supposed to read Bible only, or Conduct Literature that comprises articles about how to be good and true women. (In our country now, examples of this Conduct Literature are, let’s say magazines such as Kartini. Femina, etc that usually contains articles such as “how to be an ideal wife” or “how to be an ideal mother” or “how to attract men/boys”.)

If novel reading is prohibited, novel writing is more cruelly banned. A woman is not supposed to write, especially to express herself. It can be especially related to the third tenet of The Cult of True Womanhood norm; submission. Expressing what is in her mind verbally is not allowed, moreover in written form that can be read by other parties. When a woman feels that there is something wrong, she must repress it. No questioning.

No wonder during the nineteenth century America more women became patients of mental hospitals than men. The main reason is women must follow what society determines for them. Not all women are created as passive and idle. This unwise norm of course triggers rebel to intelligent, hardworking and creative women. Women have their own way of thinking. Women have their own right to decide what is good and bad for themselves.

Charlotte Perkins Gilman, a feminist writer living in 1860-1935 proposed an idea that a woman must write to express herself. She cured herself from mental depression she suffered by writing a lot of articles, books, novels, and poems. She also went around America to express her way of thinking that a woman must be economically independent to have her own identity, to be equal to men.

So, girls, start writing from now on. Express yourself openly and confidently. Don’t let things blocked inside your mind and heart.

Yogya 19.08 010106