Selfish parents, unhappy children

from a friend's post at http://stroke.blog.co.uk

Parental pressure to succeed has created a lost generation, warns a controversial new book that is taking the US by storm

Denis Campbell, social affairs correspondent
The Observer

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Well-off, smartly dressed and displaying an impressive array of talents in and out of school, they seem to have perfect lives and be destined for exciting futures doing important things. Yet a growing number of children from wealthy backgrounds are suffering stress, not because of their friends or worrying about whether they will get a boyfriend or girlfriend, but because of their over-ambitious parents.

A controversial new book - which has sparked a massive debate in America about the relationship between money and parenting - has blamed high-earning, high-achieving mothers and fathers for inadvertently causing their children's problems by pushing them so hard to succeed that they feel like failures. Parents interfere in their children's lives so much that they can't look after themselves. They give them every gadget and luxury imaginable but far too little time, love and affection.

In The Price of Privilege: How parental pressure and material advantage are creating a generation of disconnected and unhappy kids, American clinical psychologist Dr Madeline Levine accuses middle-class parents who earn at least £63,000 a year of failing to prepare their offspring properly for the adult world because they are so obsessed with ensuring their sons and daughters excel at everything they do. While superficially well-developed, their children are actually sad, lonely, confused and lack self-confidence because they haven't fulfilled parental expectations, Levine says.

'Why are kids who have everything doing so poorly?' asks Levine. 'We know that this group of kids has three times the rate of depression and anxiety disorders as ordinary teenagers, as well as substantially higher rates of substance abuse, cutting and suicide. The most dangerous feelings a child can have are of self-hatred, yet middle-class parents are unwittingly instilling those feelings by expecting so much.'

According to Levine, parents should take care not to pressurise their children to try to be outstanding at everything and accept that they will be only good or average at certain school subjects or extra-curricular pursuits, allow them enough time on their own to find out more about who they are and, crucially, always to be on hand to talk to their children about their day, their thoughts and how they are feeling.

Levine criticises over-intrusive 'helicopter parents', so-called because they constantly hover over every aspect of their children's lives, for example going into their school to challenge a teacher about a mark their child has received. Although they are trying to help, they are actually damaging their offspring's development because, she says, leaving children alone, and learning how to handle difficult situations, helps them acquire independence, coping skills, a sense of right and wrong, and a sense of who they are.

Similar trends are apparent in Britain, say clinical psychologists. 'Parents constantly striving for their kids to be successful, for example by arranging for them to do something like judo or horseriding every day after school - what I call over-scheduling - is pretty common, and more and more common, among better-off families', says Dr Rachel Andrew, a child and family psychologist in Burnley, Lancashire. 'I've been surprised by the number of kids aged 12 upwards, who have very successful parents, with difficulties ranging from depression and eating disorders to exclusion from school.'

The parents of such young people are doctors, dentists, solicitors, barristers and self-made business people. 'In very successful families you have very driven parents who can lose sight of their children's emotional needs because they are too busy being successful, making money and focusing on their own career. We are starting to see signs of the impact of all this in the diminished community spirit, [the] sense that each person is out for themselves and growing isolation of young people.' Worryingly, Andrew says that the age at which highly competitive parents start pressurising their children to succeed has fallen to as young as five or six. Like Levine, she laments that for some parents, their child being merely good at something is no longer enough. 'A growing number of parents seem to have forgotten that their children are individuals, and instead are trying to churn out career-driven robots.'

Mick Brookes, general secretary of the National Association of Head Teachers, made headlines in May when he warned about children being made miserable because of the 'loving neglect' of their cash-rich, time-poor parents. 'What Dr Levine is saying strikes a chord with me, and will resonate with parents here', he says. 'Some parents have got the balance wrong between getting their child into what's deemed to be a good school and them getting qualifications, and their overall quality of life.'

Dr Levine's top tips

· Appreciate your children as they are. Don't waste time trying to create the perfect child you wish you had

· Don't damage their self-esteem by criticising their efforts too often. Don't reject them - that feeds self-hatred

· Basic warmth between a parent and child - hugs, kisses, listening, words of empathy - is the first pillar of parenting

· Discipline is vital. Be consistent; that helps kids develop self-control

· Spend time together. Eat your evening meal together as often as possible, and involve your children in as many rituals as possible, such as worship or sport

'Cricket, football, then maths tuition ...'

Debbie Garrett, 41, is a mother of four children in Corbridge, Northumberland

She says: 'My husband Chris and I think our children strike a good balance between school, extra-curricular stuff, being with their friends and having downtime. Our oldest boy, Jack, who's 12, does cricket, football, guitar lessons, basketball and extra maths tuition . Rosie, who's nine, has choir followed by Brownies on a Monday, swimming every Friday, trampolining on Sunday mornings and kumon maths class with Jack every Tuesday after her netball.

'The upside is that they are enjoying themselves and getting specialist input. And I'd rather they were being active and sociable rather than at home playing on the computer. But there are downsides, like not having a family meal as often as I'd like, and feeling like their permanent taxi service.

'In some families we know, the kids do something after school virtually every day of the week, especially children at fee-paying schools, where there's a greater range of activities. Some expect their parents to organise and structure their every waking moment, and are always asking, "What am I doing tomorrow?".

'There's definitely a social premium put on your kids doing extra stuff. You do compare what you are doing with neighbours and friends. If Jack and Rosie weren't doing "enough" extra-curricular things I'd feel I wasn't a good enough mum.'

from The Price of Privilege (Harper Collins) by Madeline Levine PhD

Infotainment

 

Infotainment is halal or haram?”

These recent years, televisions programs in Indonesia have been full of infotainment. Mostly, though, the infotainment programs are full of gossips. The hotter the gossip is, the more commercials it attracts, the more profit the producers/the television stations will get. No wonder if then the infotainment oftentimes don’t tell the viewers the real life of celebrities, more on the gossip. “People say …” without doing more investigation on one case, for example.

As someone who doesn’t enjoy watching television, of course, I hardly watch it. I it happens, not coz I am looking for some entertainment by watching TV. Sometimes it happens when I am in my workplace and the television is on in the teachers’ room and I happen to be there, among my workmates. And I really don’t like this program. However, seeing that there are more and more infotainment programs on television, I can draw a conclusion that this program is really well-liked.

Who are their regular viewers? Perhaps housewives who don’t have many other things to do after doing some household chores, and who don’t really like reading.

People who love gossiping.

People who feel that their life is full of problems, and suffer from their long-lasting problems probably also like to watch this program so that they love to know that those celebrities also have problems in their life (Gosh, who doesn’t have problems in this life, anyway?) Maybe they think that those celebrities have a perfect life—fame, riches, beauty, etc. When they know that those celebrities also have problems, they feel like “that makes the two of them.”

People who are nosy, always curious what is going on with other people’s lives, moreover their favorite celebs.

People who don’t know what to do to spend their spare time.
Couch potatoes
Etc (no more ideas LOL)

I am of opinion that people who are critical will not like such a gossip program. When people are critical, I assume people will realize that they have no benefit to watch such programs. When many people think this way, not many people will love watching such a program so that the producers will bankrupt, and they have to think of making another program that needs more intelligence.

Unfortunately, I must say that the number of people with critical way of thinking is not much in Indonesia. Therefore, more and more television stations have similar programs.

And in Indonesia, where many people worship religious teachings and condemn secularity (they consider secularity is similar to devilish followers, I suppose) will not stop watching such programs that don’t educate them at all (coz they don’t use critical way of thinking!!!) unless the religious bodies issue regulation that watching such program is HARAM (HARAM means if people do that will be sinful, if people leave it, they will be rewarded by God.)

As a secular that used to be a religious person, I found it ridiculous though. Who the hell the members of those religious bodies so that they think that they have full rights to say that something is HALAL (HALAL means ok to do) or HARAM, as if they really know what God says to every problem in this world.

However, I realize that the majority of Indonesian people really listen to what those religious bodies say. And? To decide whether infotainment is a good program or not, people need to make use of religion’s name.

Very ridiculous. LOL.

(Well, this is Indonesia, Nana! Your beloved country! LOL.)
PT56 13.27 100806

Enlightenment?

Many years ago, Angie’s dad had a friend who changed from being a secular into a religious and saying that he already got ‘enlightenment’. In this case, he was 180 degrees contradictory to me coz I would say exactly on the way around. LOL. From the ‘enlightenment’ he got, he found out that women are domestic creatures while men are public ones. Therefore, he never let his wife go out of the house without him accompanying her coz it was a big sin.

One day I went to his house coz I needed to have Angie’s school uniform made. FYI, he was a tailor. After Angie and I arrived there, he directly asked me to enter the dining room coz the living room was for men. He “preached” to Angie’s dad at that time, “Nana is from a very religious family so that it is easy for her to accept such a rule (read women are domestic and men are public so that they are not supposed to be in the same room). It is different from my wife, it is quite difficult to ‘educate’ her about this religious teachings.”

What a hell … LOL.
And of course, he is ABSOLUTELY WRONG.

PT56 21.21 080806

Polygamy Again :(

Some days ago I read a short article about one celebrity in Indonesia. She said that she already got ‘enlightenment’ about practicing polygamy; that it is only for women’s good. She used to be a quite popular singer in 1980s- the early 1990s. After she got married and started wearing hijab, she no longer earned her living by singing. Well, perhaps she also felt that she got ‘enlightenment’ that for women, voice was not supposed to be sold; women’s voice was not supposed for public, coz perhaps it can turn on the opposite sex?

And in Indonesia, as far as I know, the more religious someone is, the more receptive he/she is for any teaching. And in Indonesia, “good” women are related to religious women. Women so much covet to be considered as “good” women (it means religious!) that they are willing to sacrifice their own feeling, by accepting any religious teachings without using their common sense, without being critical.

Going back to the celebrity I mentioned in the beginning of this writing, she even has prepared her two daughters to believe in the “goodness” of polygamy so that they will not disobey it in the future. Unfortunately, the journalist didn’t mention completely the reason why she campaigned on polygamy. One reason: according to the statistics there are more women than men in the world. However, that celebrity forgot to check the age bracket. Since women have tendency to have longer life than men, there are more elderly women rather than elderly men. And of course, it will make the statistics show that there are more women than men. Well, I don’t mean to say that elderly women don’t have right to get married though. However, following the stereotyping, elderly women seldom think of getting married (again). Or am I just a wise-guy?

Anyway, I know this polygamy thing will always have many followers as well as many haters.

PT56 21.07 080806

Female judges to hear rape cases in India

Female Judges To hear Rape Cases as India Admits Failure of Legal Systems

I got the above title a friend's post in his blog at http://stroke.blog.co.uk
Well, it is a very good and very women-friendly. I am wondering if this will also be applied in Indonesia.
Rape cases in Indonesia, I assume, don't happen as often as in India, where every 29 minutes one woman is raped. My raw interpretation is that India has more population than Indonesia, it means that there are more women too there. More woman means that rape cases likely to happen more often than fewer women.
However, I must say that until now many rape victims in Indonesia don't get help as they need. Women mostly will be considered as the wrong side as the temptress so that the rape happens to them. Some reasons behind it are for example, from what the women wear, from their behavior, attitude, etc. Not many people think that it is cause by the men who cannot control their lust, men who think that women are just sexual objects so that they deserve to do anything they want to do with women.

Many rape cases oftentimes are just secretly kept by the victims or their family coz they don't want to be humiliated more terrible. Some reasons behind this are:
1. Losing virginity (for women who are still single) is still considered a curse. By reporting this case to the police, it means that they openly declare that they are no longer virgin. A disgrace.
2. They are worried if they are considered as temptress so that they will feel more embarrassed.
3. They must face their rapist in the court, something very difficult for them. Moreover when they have to remember again the details of the accident to happen.

There have been many non-governmental organizations for women in Indonesia. Of course, they do make betterment in women's lives; such as giving protection for the rape victims, sometimes give them counselling to cure the mental; sometimes also become the lawyer to help the victims.

Hope life will really be more friendly for women.

Si Parasit Lajang

SI PARASIT LAJANG by Ayu Utami, a feminist writer of Indonesia is one of my favorite books. I bought it in one book fair held in Yogyakarta on October 12, 2003. FYI, I always write the date and the place where I buy my books on the last page so that it is easy for me to check it next time. :) So, it is not coz I have a very great memory. LOL. How can I remember the time and the place where I buy all my books that until now comprise more than 700 titles? LOL.

I was still shaping myself to be a feminist at that time, after I bought a book entitled STUDI ALQURAN KONTEMPORER some months before that. This is the first book that opened my mind that there will always be new things in anything, including in interpreting Alquran, moreover in any other thing. When something is socially constructed, there will always be changes in re-viewing it. Naïve Nana was still very naïve at that time, and oftentimes saw social constructions as something created, as a “destiny”. A new Nana was born in 2003. LOL. “Do you feel happier with the new you?” a workmate asked me such a question some time ago. “Everything has risk and responsibility in this life. In one side, probably I am happier with the new me. However, in another side, I also easily become hurt when seeing the unfairness done to women, something that probably didn’t bother me in the past; such as a woman will always be the second in the family after the husband, sometimes even the third after the husband and the children. Aquarini illustrated in her book KAJIAN BUDAYA FEMINIS, “an ordinary woman is a woman who is willing to lose her old self, who always gives the first priority to the husband first, the children second, and herself the last, if she still has time to take care of herself.”

Many provoking ideas I got when reading Ayu Utami’s book. Therefore, I often promote the book to my workmates and friends. LOL. I also bought the book to two male friends of mine to show my gratitude to them. Well, two reasons behind it: I wanted to thank them for spending their special time for me, and making me very special. LOL. The second reason was that I wanted to provoke them too in viewing man-woman relationship when reading the book. Tricky of me, huh? LOL.

The book consists of 33 articles, not all about gender things. Some are about Ayu’s witty criticism on life (such as, why writers in Indonesia seldom include animals in the stories, does it show that Indonesian people don’t love animals? About urine therapy, etc), also her criticism on the national politics of Indonesia (e.g. why until now PKI (Indonesia Communist Party) is still considered as latent danger. After Soeharto diminished the party in 1966, the offspring of the party is still considered as danger, to enliven this Communist Party again so that they don’t get appropriate treatment from the nation. Indonesian people easily get provoked with this PKI term until now.

I also take two articles from the book to discuss in my SPEAKING class. I didn’t bother myself to translate the articles into English. I let my students read the articles in Bahasa Indonesia. However, of course, the discussion in the class was conducted in English.

Until now, I have read some articles in SI PARASIT LAJANG many times. I never find it a bore. :) Perhaps next time I will give an interpretation of one article and post it in my blog. :)

PT56 13.19 020806

Student Dress Code

Once again another mayor of a town decrees that all female high school students in the town should wear long skirts. There a re a number of compelling reasons why such a decree by a regional official should be rejected outright.

Student dress code should not be determined by a town mayor. If any mayor who is so inclined cab willy nilly impose his will, ideas and standard of morality, where will it all end? The female students of different towns will be dressed in a manner dependent on the whim of the local mayor.

Arif Sirajuddin believes that a male’s unwanted attention and immorality of young women are determined by the length of a skirt. In civilized societies females wearing modern, modest and practical clothes do not attract unwanted attention from the opposite sex. Furthermore long skirts have no bearing whatsoever on the morality or lack thereof the wearers.

It is truly tragic that many a man puts the blame of immorality, sexual permissiveness and lewdness on the female. These men never think that perhaps the menfolk actually are the ones that need to learn to control their behavior and be respectful to women.

It is never acceptable to harass, even to leer at or let alone attack women just because they wear garments that are not to the liking of the oversexed men. Parents, teachers and religious leaders must instill this truism in their charges. The head of the local high school principals association, Saleh Rugaya, even goes so far as stating that long skirts will reduce crime rates and sexual harassment. (I’m in agreement that students wearing long skirts are not likely to commit petty crimes because they can hardly avoid capture!)

Local representative of the Department of Education, Muhammad Asmin, sates that policy is to apply to all secondary schools, state-run and private, Islamic as well as non-Islamic.

One can’t help thinking that the real motivation behind this absurd ruling (just like another mayor’s ruling that elementary school pupils cannot attend secondary schools unless they can read the Koran) is the forced imposition of Islamic ideals on non-Muslims.

It is high time the central government stops the introduction of bylaws and regulations that are absurd, impractical, prejudicial to non-Muslims and definitely contrary to the laws of the land, including the Indonesian Constitution.

From YOUR LETTERS of THE JAKARTA POST Thursday July 27, 2006, written by Paul E. Rantau from Singapore.