Defining Moments

 

Should we really make definition of anything?

 

In the western culture, people may have a one night stand 'date' without any explanation what kind of relationship two people have. Perhaps they can exchange phone numbers to continue dating -- and perhaps 'improve' to be boyfriend/girlfriend -- or they can just forget each other. No need to define what kind of 'relationship', except, perhaps a sentence like "oh he is just a guy to f*ck with" (said Samantha Jones, one main character in Sex and the City).

 

Nevertheless, in the episode entitled "Defining Moments" Carrie went out with Big for dinners and considered him as just 'friend' but apparently Big showed his jealousy when seeing Carrie dating Ray King -- a jazz musician -- so she asked Big, "What are we?"

 

Big answered, "we are friends."

 

"What kind of friends?" she continued asking him.

 

"Friends who listen to jazz, friends who eat pizza …"

 

However, if there was no Ray coming into their lives, perhaps Carrie would not ask him that question, "What are we?"

 

In the same episode, Charlotte also needed to define what kind of relationship she had with Trey. According to law, they were still husband and wife. However, they were already separated because Trey got a problem 'in bed'. And after Trey could solve this problem of his, Trey wanted to have sex with Charlotte everywhere, in a restaurant bathroom, in a bedroom of someone's house they visited, in a cab.

 

The fact that they were separated and they lived separately made Charlotte feel like she was just a sex toy for Trey. After Trey could solve his psychological problem and could have sex, Charlotte was waiting for Trey to beg her to live together again. The fact that Trey didn't ask her to be back to their apartment made Charlotte upset and she told her 3 friends, "I need to define what kind of relationship we have now."

*****

 

Indonesia absolutely has different culture. Despite the fact that (some) people have sex outside wedlock (either openly or secretly) in some social classes, people will not easily -- without burden -- say, "He is just a guy/girl to f*ck with" or "I had a one night stand date with that guy/girl some time ago."

 

 

17 years ago, one classmate of mine (when I was in college) told me openly about her husband who often despised her. She wanted to get divorced; however, it was not easy for her to file for a divorce because she was Catholic. Some classmates and I were 'enough' to hear how bad her husband treated her. Nevertheless, one time, she said, "Before filing for a divorce, I want to have one more baby from my husband."

 

 

I didn't understand her here. Compared to Charlotte and Trey who still loved and adored each other although they were separated, Charlotte still needed to define what kind of relationship they had; this classmate of mine? She often said she was 'enough' to be mistreated by her husband; but still, when she wanted to have another baby, she still wanted to have sex with that culprit.

 

 

Around 13 years ago, I wrote an article about "free sex is a (co) culture in Indonesia (already)". In the 'mainstream' culture, people still consider 'free sex' is from the West. However, in reality, even teenagers already did that. I once did a little survey asking my students about having sex outside marriage. They mentioned 3 reasons why they didn't do that. First, 'it is sinful'. Second, 'it can cause sexual diseases when people do it with a lot of sex partners. Three, "I am not ready to be responsible if my girlfriend gets pregnant."  The second reason -- this can lead to sexual diseases -- was the main excuse to control sexual need.

 

 

The male students I 'surveyed' referred to their girlfriends when talking about having sex before marriage, not just any girl. It means their relationship is clear: they are boyfriend/girlfriend. Meanwhile, once upon a time I had online male friends (in their mid-twenties) who said that they didn't want to do it with their girlfriends because they wanted to "keep the girls' virginity" until they married the girls; they felt responsible to make their future wife 'uncorrupted'. But they could not deny that they already needed to have sex. Therefore, they did it with any girl/woman who was willing to do it with them. And of course, they did not need to define what kind of relationship they had with that girl/woman.

 

How about you, guys? Do you need to define what kind of relationship you have with someone to do 'something special'? Or consent is all you need? "No need any definition of what kind of relationship, as long as he/she and I are willing to do that, just do that."