16 uncomfortable acts people try to avoid, but that actually makes your life better

 

pic was taken from here

16 uncomfortable acts people try to avoid,

but that actually makes your life better

1.       Worrying about not having a 5-year plan

The idea that any of us know where we will be years down the road is an illusion – a comforting illusion. It is better to focus on one step at a time than getting overly-attached to a path you may not want t be on when the time arrives.

2.       Spending a whole day by yourself

In solitude, you find self-awareness. When you don’t have to be anything to anyone else – you see what it means to be yourself.

pic was taken from here

3.       Doing “nothing”

Hyper-productivity is gratifying in small doses, but it is in doing what we often brush off as “nothing” that we find the true joys of life: reading a novel, having coffee and breathing in the morning air, relaxing on the couch, laughing with friends and having no further agenda.

4.       Admitting when you are wrong

As the adage goes: would you like to be right, or would you like to be good?

5.       Not justifying your actions

We do not justify our actions to convince other people we’ve done the right thing, we justify them to convince ourselves.

6.       Letting go of feeling anxious for no reason

Instead of projecting the feeling you don’t understand onto something measurable or concrete in your life, just allowing yourself to feel tense or agitated for no discernible reason – though scary – is what allows it to pass. Counting calories, saving money or changing your hair won’t heal a problem that isn’t food, money or looks.

7.       Honoring your coping mechanisms

 

Rather than condemn yourself for what you had to do to survive, appreciate that you got through what life handed you. Once you do that, you can figure out what you need to do to thrive.

 

8.       Applying your judgments of other people to yourself

Judgments are projections from wounds, and there are few things that can better tell us what we are unwilling to heal ourselves than what we point out needs to be healed in others.

9.       Having something to talk about other than your opinions about others’ lives

 It is easy to connect over mutual dislike, but it is a toxic practice. Work on talking about books, or ideas, or travel, or anything else you find even mildly interesting.

10.   Letting truths coexist

What was true 5 years ago may not be true now, and yet, both were true for you at some point in time. Embracing the paradoxes of life – that often, conflicting ideas can both be true in their own ways – will save you a lot of stress.

11.   Knowing that too much indecision is a decision

If you have to think about something too much, the answer is probably no. That which is meant for us flows naturally without us having to consciously choose. Indecision is a decision we have not yet come to terms with.

12.   Being willing to receive

Feminine energy tells us what we want, masculine energy tells us how we can get it. When we have an overabundance of the latter, we can close ourselves off to receptivity, intuition, and wonder. Often, this leads to us feeling lost and disconnected. The willingness to receive is the true beginning of healing.

13.   Allowing anger

Anger is such an informative emotion. It tells us what we believe in, what we need to change, and what we are passionate about. Allowing ourselves to feel it actually lets us channel it, whereas suppressing it actually makes it come out in destructive ways.

14.   Feeling healthy shame when you know you’ve done something wrong

Shame becomes toxic when we are self-punishing despite having not done anything wrong. Shame is a healthy and crucial part of our emotional capacity that serves to show us when we know we can do better, and should.

15.   Doing things slowly, but well

Cooking to cook, rather than just eat. Working to create, rather than just finish. Walking to see, rather than just arrive.

16.   Breathing fully and deeply

It is through breath that we process emotion. People who are resistant to how they feel often cannot take deep, easy breaths, or they will try to either distract themselves or fill their bodies up with something that stops the processing (like food, or drink). However, if you learn to breathe fully, and allow what comes up, you can get through it – and no longer have to live with the beast in your belly.

Written by

Brianna Wiest, a writer, strategist, and best-selling author. Her newest book on overcoming self-sabotage is out now.

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Disillusionment: It’s What’s Killing Middle-Aged Dating

 

Disillusionment: It’s What’s Killing Middle-Aged Dating

Let’s try treating our dates as potential life partners instead of bottom feeders

Several middle-aged men have asked me recently why the women they’re meeting aren’t interested in them. On my blog, I keep hearing from widows who’ve given up on men.

Let’s start with the over-arcing problem:

Our disillusionment is killing us

When we’re young, we fall in love and we want to build lives together, to comfort our beloved when they suffer losses and cheer for their accomplishments. Perhaps we feel more than we do at middle age. More attraction, more passion, more lust, but also, over time, more caring, more hope and more attachment.

By the time we’re middle-aged and we’ve suffered through a few failed relationship, we’re dumb. We tamp down our expectations. Now we just want someone to have emotionally distant sex with every other Thursday night after our fantasy lacrosse team disbands. Tending to our romantic relationships has become our last priority, perhaps something to think about after fixing that long leaking toilet in the guest bathroom.

Having given up on finding love, we middle-aged idiots stop expecting it. We settle for so much less. Our emotional playbook is reduced to fulfilling our bodily needs with people we don’t really care about.

It’s an untenable way to live. Like seeing only grey when the world is saturated with color.

I recently learned a depressing new word: situationship. It’s a dating relationship that’s undefined or uncommitted. It’s basically when you and another person are doing coupley things, but you’re not actually a couple. In between a hook-up and a relationship, situationships are that area where no one really knows what’s going on, and no one talks about commitment.

I think a lot of people are settling for these hybrid catastrophes. But come on, we’re grown-ups. We’re supposed to be more articulate.

I’ve met so many divorced guys who feel they gave their all once before – financial support, putting family first, agreeing to their wives’ demands – and look how that worked out. Women my age feel they’ve already raised their kids, why do they want to take on men who act like children?

Most of my dating post-widowhood has been a power struggle. I would tell a man I was dating about my needs, those of a lonely widow with little family and few connections, only to be told they weren’t acceptable. Most of the men I dated wanted me to fit their wish-list. So, no I wasn’t okay with twisting my life to fit someone’s else’s schedule, driving to see them, but never having them come to me, or being told their dating other people was good for our, uh, situationship. Their convenience was paramount, but they never acted like they cared about me.

Maybe it’s my super limited experience from spending most of my life with one man, but I don’t get all the hostility. Ostensibly, we[re meeting people to see if we want to be with them, maybe finding love, maybe even for the rest of our lives. Yet we don’t seem to care about them, from showing up to an initial coffee date to seeing if they get home safely to offering kindness instead of caveats.

Let’s talk about freeway merging

(I’m going somewhere with this). People used to let each other merge onto the freeway. It’s common courtesy. Otherwise, the merging driver is forced to exit instead of entering, or, in the case of those creepy short merges, they have to hit the breaks to avoid slamming into the wall. But I’ve noticed that lately people don’t let each other in. they just accelerate and charge by, with no thought to the other driver.

That’s what dating is like. Except instead of some unknown driver we’re never going to see again, these are the people with whom we might be spending the rest of our lives.

When a woman is telling you about something that’s really stressing her out, and you’re thinking you’re bored and you just wanted to get laid, you failing. And when you tell her something honest and true and she isn’t listening, she’s failing you too.

We just don’t care. That cynicism has filtered into dating and that’s why it isn’t working. It’s simple: Don’t date someone unless you care about them.

Perhaps you should invert your thinking

Instead of thinking what you want in a romantic relationship, ask yourself what you can offer the other person.

It it’s that you’re way too busy to see anybody on a regular schedule, be upfront about it and don’t argue when you get turned down. If it’s what you’re still really pissed at your ex and the next lady better not expect too much, see a counselor instead of exposing some innocent woman to your vitriol.

Coming from a place of resentment doesn’t work, I know. I’ve met far too many of you guys.

But if you want to love someone again, please, tell us. Don’t be embarrassed. Vulnerability is attractive. Acting like we’re the enemy is not.

However, being vulnerable requires self=esteem. And our past relationships may have chipped away at that. Nothing worked in the past so we don’t expect anything to work now. We’re too bruised to open ourselves up again. No one treated us well so we’ve stopped expecting it, and we treat our dates poorly because we expect the same in return.

As our self-esteem flags, so does the way we regard the people we date. They become suspect, belonging to a club we wouldn’t want to join because it accepts us as a member. So we treat them like they don’t matter and now their self-esteem is floundering. We can stop the vicious cycle. But it requires believing we are worthy of love, it is attainable, and treating our dated like prospective life partners instead of bottom feeders.

Can we approach dating with a sense of promise?

I’ve met several happy couples who met in middle age. The one thing they have in common is their radiant smiles. I could envision a first meeting where he sees a curvy woman with a kind face who looks happy to meet him. She sees a man with a high forehead and deep blue eyes that look hopeful. They see promise, and therefore beauty in each other.

It’s exciting to meet new people. You might find the second love of your life. Or at least have some great times with someone lovable.

With the pandemic, we’re forced to limit our social interactions. Our first drinks together might be on zoom, our first meal a socially distanced picnic, and our first kiss might take place way later than we thought it would. Let’s use that extra time to take more care with how we treat each other. And to see that connecting with another person is a privilege, not a battle ground.

It’d like to start a movement called “The Unfun Daters”, people who are unabashedly looking for life-time partners and who won’t accept less.

What do we want? Serious commitment.

When do we want it? Within a prudent timeframe.

Add in the twenty page contract you have to sign where in you agree to be courteous and accountable to your dates, and you see what I mean.

Dating is work. I used to spend a set amount of time each day online checking out new profiles and answering messages. When I agreed to meet, I kept my appointments. But most importantly, I believed I’d find my forever person. It took years, but I did, through perseverance and an almost insane believe in love.

So, if your prospects aren’t interested, it may be because you’re already radiating defeat. We need to see promise instead of futility. And we need to come from a place of compassion instead of disillusion.

Let’s start by being kinder to each other.

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written by

Debbie Weiss 

Blogging at https://www.thehungoverwidow.com Essays in the New York Times’ Modern Love and others. Just got an MFA in writing at 56

10 toxic behaviors from parents

10 toxic behaviors from parents 

that make children less functional in adulthood

You may think that shielding your kids from pain protects them, but psychotherapist Amy Morin explains you’re just stunting their emotional growth.

By Amy Morin

 

Mary Trump’s book, “Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man,” has some people wondering how family dysfunction affects kids. What kind of adults do they become when they’ve been exposed to toxic parenting behaviors?

 

Most people clearly recognize that serious maltreatment, like abuse or neglect, can have a lasting impact on children. But what about toxic parenting strategies that don’t rise to an extreme level of abuse? Or what about destructive parenting behaviors that might be less obvious?

 

As a therapist, I see some families who appear to function okay to the outside world yet are riddled with dysfunctional family dynamics behind closed doors. And just because these don’t constitute abuse, or because they aren’t visible to anyone outside the family, doesn’t mean they won’t prevent kids from becoming healthy adults.

 

Here are 10 toxic parenting behaviors that can make children less functional in adulthood:

 

1.  Shielding kids from pain

While you don’t want to expose kids to pain just for the purpose of “toughening them up”, you also don’t want to shield them from all discomfort.

 

Whether a parent insists the coach put their kid on the team or they say their missing cat is “on vacation”, kids who lack experience dealing with pain often become adults who crumble when they encounter adversity.

 

2.  Invalidating their feelings

Telling kids to “stop worrying” or “stop crying” send a message that their feelings are bad. It teaches them that they need to hide their feelings or fight those emotions. They may grow up to mask their feelings or numb their pain in unhealthy ways.

 

3.  Praising their achievements only

When parents raise kids for getting a perfect score on a math test or the most points in the game, they teach them that their accomplishments matter more than everything else.

 

Kids who only hear praise for their achievements (rather than for putting in the hard work it took to get there or a willingness to be brave and try something where they may fail/may grow up to become adults who think they need to succeed at all costs. They might be more willing to lie, cheat, and steal so they can come out a winner.

 

4.  Living vicariously through their kids

Parents have unhealed emotional wounds, too. And it can be tempting to try and live through your kids as a way to heal those wounds.

 

But when a parent insists that a child try to reach their own unrealized dreams, their children are likely to grow up without a strong sense of self. They may be resentful toward their parents while also being dependent on them to help make decisions.

 

5.  Expecting perfection

Setting the bar high can be good for kids. It teaches them that they can do more than they think.

 

But expecting perfection could cause them to feel like they can’t ever measure up. They may grow up to feel as though they aren’t good enough because they couldn’t achieve what you told them they could.

 

6.  Using fear to gain compliance

Whether a parent shoots kids intimidating looks or threatens to embarrass or hit them, scaring kids into complying can backfire.

 

They’ll be more likely to make decisions based on fear instead of on what they actually believe is right. This could cause them to become an adult without a healthy moral compass.

 

7.  Trying to win favor with their kids

Whether parents are co-parenting after they’re divorced or still happily married, some parents work hard to be the “favorite”.

 

And while winning a child’s favor might make a parent feel good momentarily, ultimately the kids lose in the end. They may grow up to become adults who manipulate others as a way to get what they want.

 

8.  Using guilt trips as a tool

Constantly reminding your child how hard you work to pay for their stuff or insisting that they’d listen better if they really loved you might guilt kids into doing what you want.

 

But it also means they’ll be easy targets for that friend who wants to cheat off their paper or that romantic interest who wants to have sex and use similar guilt trips. Or they may turn into adults who repeat the pattern by using guilt as a weapon against their loved ones as well.

 

9.  ‘Parentifying’ their kids

Parents who lack adult confidantes or are insecure about their decision-making may depend on their kids to step up.

 

Giving kids more information and responsibility than they’re capable of handling raises their anxiety and leaves them feeling like you aren’t equipped to lead the family. Consequently, they may grow up to become anxious adults who feel as though they need to constantly control everything around them to stay safe.

 

10.            Being emotionally unavailable

It’s cliché but it is true – kids need your presence more than presents.

 

Parents who are always staring at their phones or too busy and stressed out to support their kids emotionally aren’t fostering their child’s emotional development. Kids who grow up with emotionally unavailable parents may struggle to develop healthy, meaningful relationships in adulthood.

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Good Sex doesn’t always mean an orgasm

 

This article was copied from this link.

Good Sex doesn’t always mean an orgasm

According to science, an orgasm may have very little to do with sexual pleasure.

When the sex toy company Dame Products develops new items, they ask beta testers a variety of questions to determine how well a new design is working for their clientele. Testers are asked to assess the contours of the toy’s body, the strength and rhythms of its vibration, and, for an overall assessment, they’re asked if the product they just tested “got the job done.” As opposed to: “Did you orgasm?”

The Dame team doesn’t rely on euphemism because they’re shy about pleasure and sex. Rather, the phrase “get the job done” is more open-ended; it allows testers to determine for themselves how a product contributed to the success of their sexual experience. And notably, when testers are asked to define what “getting the job done” means for them, the answers are more diverse than you might expect.

Many respondents define “getting the job done” as experiencing orgasm (or, in some cases, a particularly strong orgasm, or several orgasms in a row). But in a survey conducted by Dame during the development of the Pom – a flat, slightly curved vibrator designed to fit in the palm of the user’s hand – 14 % testers reported that they don’t see orgasm as a necessary criterion for a toy to be considered good. Instead of orgasm, these respondents cited “relaxation” or “pleasure” or, in one case “a throbbing clitoris” as their goal – all experiences that can coexist with orgasm but certainly don’t have to.

Data shows again and again that women are more likely than men to struggle with orgasm. Studies report that women are significantly less likely to experience orgasm during heterosexual sex than their male partners, and women experience orgasm-less sex at a higher rate than men. There’s an assumption that the absence of orgasm is the result of an incompetent partner or insufficient stimulation – the kind of problem that vibrators are supposed to solve. So why are some people, who are invested enough pleasure and sex toys to beta test vibrators, also happy with products that don’t result in a big finish?

Alexandra Fine, the CEO and co-founder of Dame Products, says the existence of a significant cohort of people who experience pleasure, enjoy masturbation, but don’t prioritize orgasm is a sign that the way pleasure and orgasm are talked about isn’t fully accurate. Although Fine is personally a fan of orgasms (they’re “done”, she tells me), she things focusing on orgasm as the sole purpose of a sexual experience is too limiting when trying to assess the effectiveness of a sex toy.

“There continues to be a debate about what the function of orgasm is. One function could be getting blood back out of the genitals.”

“Socially we’re taught that [pleasure and orgasm] are one and the same thing,” says Nicole Prause, a scientist at the sexual biotechnology company and research center LiberosCenter who researches what happens in the brain and body during masturbation and orgasm. Orgasm is framed as “the ultimate pleasure, the peak experience.” But maybe pleasure and orgasm are less tightly entwined than assumed. What if experiencing pleasure is more important than having an orgasm?

“There continues to be a debate about what the function of orgasm is,” says Prause. “One function could be getting blood back out of the genitals.” If orgasm is purely a way of flushing blood from the genitals, its connection to pleasure is tenuous: It may feel good most of the time, for most people, but the good feeling isn’t guaranteed or essential. Indeed, people who suffer from persistent genital arousal disorder (PGAD) routinely experience spontaneous orgasms that are more uncomfortable or painful than pleasurable; in the absence of sexual arousal, orgasm is not the same thing.

Orgasm could still be seen as an important component of a sexual experience, insomuch as clearing blood from the genitals helps bodies return to an unaroused state. “But if that is what orgasm is for, then it’s completely disconnected from pleasure,” Prause says. And whether or not a person had an orgasm ceases to be an accurate measure of whether they enjoyed sex or masturbation.

This isn’t to say that people who feel orgasm is essential to their pleasure or sexual experiences are wrong or misguided. Even if orgasm itself isn’t a pleasure response, the fact that it often co-occurs with intense pleasure can lead the brain to associate the contractions of orgasm with that pleasure, making them feel like an essential part of the pleasure response.

If orgasm itself is not the ultimate source of the pleasure experienced during sex and masturbation, it would help to explain some curious things – like, for instance, the fact that some orgasms can be painful, uncomfortable, or even just underwhelming. If your brain doesn’t associate the contractions of orgasm with pleasure, or if an orgasm occurs during an underwhelming sexual episode, those promised heights of pleasure might not arrive – not because you’re doing orgasm incorrectly, but because orgasm isn’t pleasure without the context of intense, exciting stimulation.

Detaching pleasure from orgasm helps explain some of the more confusing results Prause has observed during her studies. During her research, Prause monitors several data points while her subjects masturbate, including their brain activity, presence or absence of anal contractions (generally considered to be a sign of orgasm), and, of course, the subject’s own perception of whether they’ve had an orgasm and how long it lasts.

“A lot of women said they’re having climax and there’s no evidence of contractions,” Prause says. Even more confusing is that some women exhibit similar contraction patterns indicating an orgasm had occurred, yet not all of those women would describe said contractions as orgasmic. “One woman would say, ‘I had an orgasm at that time,’ and another woman would say, ‘I had no orgasm,” she reports. “Some women are clearly waiting for those contractions as a symbol of their climax, and others seem completely independent of it” – perhaps because subjects are identifying orgasm, not as involuntary contractions, but as a major surge of pleasure that occurs independently of that physical response.

Tempting as it is to try to parse which of these women are “really” having orgasms, it’s worth asking why so many thing that question mattes. If women are reporting enjoyment and pleasure without experiencing orgasm, or are identifying pleasure as orgasmic even if it doesn’t look the way orgasm is expected to, chances are good that they’re still reaping the mental and physical health benefits associated with orgasm. On her end, Prause says that the much-discussed “orgasm gap” is only an issue if women who aren’t experiencing orgasm aren’t experiencing pleasure either. If they are experiencing sufficient pleasure, she says, then less frequent orgasm isn’t really a pressing issue.

“a lot of women really struggle to have an orgasm. A lot of women aren’t positive whether they have orgasm or not,” says Fine. But even when orgasm is difficult or impossible to achieve, “there’s pleasure potential for sure,” she says.

Focusing on pleasure is far more likely to lead to enjoyable sexual experiences and to, in the words of Dame Products, “get the job done,” however that’s defined.

 

Ghost Woman

 

In 2005 I 'met' someone online. Desperately wanting to leave my hometown (to end my marriage) and wanting to end my relationship with a hunk I thought I fell in love with (unfortunately he was married), I easily got trapped with this someone I met online in one cyber chatroom.

 

 

He said he was sill 24 years and a college student. And of course he said he was single. We had a very nice chat so that we were easily attracted to each other. Not long after that, he spent some time to meet me in the city where I was pursuing my study back then. Let's call him 'A' from 'asshole', lol.

 

 

We did meet in one hotel somewhere near Malioboro street, one very popular tourist destination in Jogja. But we spent time only less than 15 minutes. He seemed very busy with his schedule. Innocent me, I didn't interrogate what made him very busy. Lol.

 

 

Around a week later, a woman called my mobile number. She said she got my number from her husband. And guess, her husband is that 'asshole', lol. That asshole in fact had two wives already! Wow. One living in Jakarta, the other one was the one calling me, living in Jogja. She said on the day when I had a date with that asshole, he was dating her, hahahahah … no wonder he was very busy, huh? Lol. And of course, he was not an innocent 24 year old college student. He was more than thirty years old.

 

 

Of course I learned my lesson well. I no longer let myself carried away by a man's flirts easily.

 

 

 

FYI, recently this woman once in a while appeared in my social media life. We join the same alumni group. Once in a blue moon, she left a reaction on my posts there, without her knowing I am the one she was begging to leave her part time husband. Lol. In fact, I am curious whether she was still in relationship with that asshole or she already moved on. Gosh, a woman as smart and pretty as she is, must be able to find another reliable man in no time. Why did she let herself fall for such an asshole?

 

PT56 15.42 22 September 2020

 

Ghost Town

Carrie Bradshaw:

NY is definitely haunted. Old lovers, ex-boyfriends, anyone you have unresolved issues without balance you run into again and again until you resolve them. My relationship with Aidan was long dead until one invitation in front of me he was suddenly present my life again.

 

When one relationship dies, do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirit of relationship past?

 

======

 

Have you ever thought that perhaps your dwelling city is haunted?

 

I left the house where I used to live together with my ex in 2005; at that time I was still pursuing my study in another city. No wonder, I never bumped into my ex although once in a while I visited my hometown because I was still working there. A year later, I finished my study and went back to my hometown, but I didn't tell him although we were not legally divorced yet. Therefore, he thought I was still living in another city; and, although we lived in the same city, we still never bumped into each other. Consequently, he never knew I had finished my study, lol.

 

 

Honestly, back in 2005 I was seeing someone else, oh well, not just 'someone', but some guys, lol, although there was nothing serious between us. In fact, I was sort of crazy for one of them, unluckily he was married. Ha ha … (un)lucky me, eh? Lol. Nevertheless, I had never done anything to make him leave his wife, I JUST enjoyed him a little and I realized my position. I was sweet, aren't I? lol. I abandoned my relationship with that man because I knew I had better do it as soon as possible. I should not let myself carried away by my own feeling.

 

 

I believe that Semarang is not as big as New York (I took 'ghost town' as the title of this writing from one episode of Sex and the City where Carrie thought NY was haunted: Carrie and her three friends were haunted by their past relationships, lol.) but I never think that Semarang is haunted. I never bumped into anybody I once had relationship with.

 

 

My ex and I were legally divorced in 2008, when he was going out of island for some months; it was the right moment for me to legally end our marriage as soon as possible. When he came back to our hometown, he got a notification from Religion Department officer about our divorce. I intentionally avoided meeting him (to meet our daughter) when he came to my dwelling place. I kept doing it for years. I didn't want him to feel I was willing to be back to him if I spared time to be with him.  Honestly, our divorce in 2008 was our second one. We first got divorced in 2000, and remarried in 2002.

 

 

When my daughter told me that her dad was going to marry a woman, I felt very relieved. It was a big sign that he was really ready to let me go. I didn't need to feel haunted by him anymore. Ah yeah, I had to admit that although he and I never bumped into each other on the street, he was still haunting me. The haunting came to an end when he got married again.

 

 

However, I have never been haunted by some other guys I used to have 'fun' with, lol. Perhaps because it was only for fun? Lol. Or perhaps in fact, I belong to the homebody type, I am not like Carrie and her friends who love hanging out in some cafes.

 

 

Have you ever been haunted by your past relationship?

 

PT56 14.34 22 September 2020

 

Are you team of Big or Aidan?

 

Carrie Bradshaw Almost Screwed Up Relationships for Me

By Leandra M. Cohen, an intern but also the founder of Man Repeller

 

It is a truth worth acknowledging that there still exists a panoply of women who model their relationships after Carrie and Big’s.

The model rarely changes. She is emotionally confused; he is hot, cold, lukewarm, hot again, then cold before he’s gone like a Sour Patch Kid that couldn’t handle its own sweetness. And because in Sex and the City’s penultimate moment, Carrie ends up with Big, it gets worse. This panoply of women genuinely believe that anxiety, frustration, questions marks and turmoil make up what relationships are supposed to look like.

 

Observe the following paraphrased scene from the second season of the show: Carrie is sitting cross-legged in a comfortable chair looking out a window from her apartment, martini glass in one hand, portable landline in the other. She looks calm, but once she starts pounding on buttons, the martini glass flies and boom! She’s shouting into Big’s ear at 5 a.m., “I am a wo-man – a wo-man.”

 

This was in relation to his decision to leave for Paris for six months without explicitly telling her or providing her with an opportunity to weigh in on the decision, which is super fucked up, yes, and good on her for defending herself, but what red flag beams so loudly as the one that reveals that your partner is crossing continents incognito? Lest we forget this happened again in season five, when post-Aidan (her most sound decision) and affair (why, Carrie! Why!), Big went to Napa and left behind a shady ticket for her to come visit. On it read, “For when I get lonely.” She smirked like it was cute, but I don’t know, Carrie. You’re not a prostitute?

 

Aidan brings me to another interesting point. There are two finite schools of fandom among Sex and the City viewers: those who cheered for Big and those who cheered for Aidan. Those who cheered for Aidan, I have realized, respect themselves far more than those who did for Big.

 

Admittedly, I was a big Big fan. I am inclined toward the manipulation of a script and a show’s directorial pursuits, and the sauce! The drama! The steam that Big brought, it made for much better television than Aidan’s fried chicken and cherry wood love seats. Those two were always talking to each other in rhyme, he is in his slightly Southern accent of unknown origin and she as his “booth bitch”. It was corny and kind of annoying but the man offered to sand her floors. He wanted to introduce her to his parents and took all the familiar question marks that arise in the early stages of a relationship and gave them answers. He carved a chair from a big block of wood and turned it into a wedding gift for Carrie’s friend! That’s so real. But also, I guess, kind of boring.

 

Of course, television isn’t life and in your personal narrative – the one where you end up in love, first and far more importantly with yourself and then sometimes maybe, also, with someone else – it should feel like smooth sailing down the g-dang Suez Canal, not a tango through Niagara Falls. In life, boring is good. It’s not actually boring. Do people understand this?

 

I, for one, did not. I married an Aidan, yes, but that’s because I got lucky. Originally, I thought he was a Big. This is chiefly because he broke up with me before I was ready for that to happen and as a result, I experienced the fluctuation of Big doubts and tangled emotions. But these were self-imposed, I now realize. My husband was always very explicit about his impetus and even three-year post separation – a time during which we still had plenty of sex – when we got back together, he laid on the table that he was 25 and could not imagine that his reunion would be “it”.

 

I did not tell him this at the time, but I knew that if it wasn’t, I would never recover and thus have to murder him. But once volume two of our relationship got going, I felt like something was missing. I told my girlfriends that the spark had died. I even considered breaking up with him, but that would have been foolish.

 

It wasn’t a “spark” that was gone. It was the neurotic stories that I fed to myself during the previous three years. Back together, I always knew where he was. I never wondered when he might next reach out. I didn’t question what he was doing on his phone when he used it and I didn’t have to ask how he felt about me. I knew! All the hard stuff became quite simple and I almost disposed of it because I briefly mistook his Aidan for an absence of Big passion.

 

There is a piece of intel that is not often shared about companionship and when you know a relationship is right: when it is, everything feels easier. There are no question marks because the answers are in. the drama is null, the sauce is reliable (like pesto! Never not delicious) and the steam? Still there when you take hot showers.

This article was originally posted at this link.