Disillusionment: It’s What’s Killing Middle-Aged Dating
Let’s try treating our dates as potential life partners instead of bottom feeders
Several middle-aged
men have asked me recently why the women they’re meeting aren’t interested in
them. On my blog, I keep hearing from widows who’ve given up on men.
Let’s start with the
over-arcing problem:
Our disillusionment
is killing us
When we’re young, we
fall in love and we want to build lives together, to comfort our beloved when
they suffer losses and cheer for their accomplishments. Perhaps we feel more
than we do at middle age. More attraction, more passion, more lust, but also,
over time, more caring, more hope and more attachment.
By the time we’re
middle-aged and we’ve suffered through a few failed relationship, we’re dumb. We
tamp down our expectations. Now we just want someone to have emotionally distant
sex with every other Thursday night after our fantasy lacrosse team disbands. Tending
to our romantic relationships has become our last priority, perhaps something
to think about after fixing that long leaking toilet in the guest bathroom.
Having given up on
finding love, we middle-aged idiots stop expecting it. We settle for so much
less. Our emotional playbook is reduced to fulfilling our bodily needs with
people we don’t really care about.
It’s an untenable way
to live. Like seeing only grey when the world is saturated with color.
I recently learned a
depressing new word: situationship. It’s a dating relationship that’s undefined
or uncommitted. It’s basically when you and another person are doing coupley
things, but you’re not actually a couple. In between a hook-up and a
relationship, situationships are that area where no one really knows what’s
going on, and no one talks about commitment.
I think a lot of
people are settling for these hybrid catastrophes. But come on, we’re
grown-ups. We’re supposed to be more articulate.
I’ve met so many
divorced guys who feel they gave their all once before – financial support,
putting family first, agreeing to their wives’ demands – and look how that
worked out. Women my age feel they’ve already raised their kids, why do they
want to take on men who act like children?
Most of my dating
post-widowhood has been a power struggle. I would tell a man I was dating about
my needs, those of a lonely widow with little family and few connections, only
to be told they weren’t acceptable. Most of the men I dated wanted me to fit
their wish-list. So, no I wasn’t okay with twisting my life to fit someone’s
else’s schedule, driving to see them, but never having them come to me, or
being told their dating other people was good for our, uh, situationship. Their
convenience was paramount, but they never acted like they cared about me.
Maybe it’s my super
limited experience from spending most of my life with one man, but I don’t get
all the hostility. Ostensibly, we[re meeting people to see if we want to be
with them, maybe finding love, maybe even for the rest of our lives. Yet we don’t
seem to care about them, from showing up to an initial coffee date to seeing if
they get home safely to offering kindness instead of caveats.
Let’s talk about
freeway merging
(I’m going somewhere
with this). People used to let each other merge onto the freeway. It’s common
courtesy. Otherwise, the merging driver is forced to exit instead of entering,
or, in the case of those creepy short merges, they have to hit the breaks to
avoid slamming into the wall. But I’ve noticed that lately people don’t let
each other in. they just accelerate and charge by, with no thought to the other
driver.
That’s what dating is
like. Except instead of some unknown driver we’re never going to see again,
these are the people with whom we might be spending the rest of our lives.
When a woman is
telling you about something that’s really stressing her out, and you’re
thinking you’re bored and you just wanted to get laid, you failing. And when
you tell her something honest and true and she isn’t listening, she’s failing
you too.
We just don’t care. That
cynicism has filtered into dating and that’s why it isn’t working. It’s simple:
Don’t date someone unless you care about them.
Perhaps you should
invert your thinking
Instead of thinking
what you want in a romantic relationship, ask yourself what you can offer the
other person.
It it’s that you’re
way too busy to see anybody on a regular schedule, be upfront about it and don’t
argue when you get turned down. If it’s what you’re still really pissed at your
ex and the next lady better not expect too much, see a counselor instead of
exposing some innocent woman to your vitriol.
Coming from a place of
resentment doesn’t work, I know. I’ve met far too many of you guys.
But if you want to
love someone again, please, tell us. Don’t be embarrassed. Vulnerability is
attractive. Acting like we’re the enemy is not.
However, being vulnerable
requires self=esteem. And our past relationships may have chipped away at that.
Nothing worked in the past so we don’t expect anything to work now. We’re too
bruised to open ourselves up again. No one treated us well so we’ve stopped
expecting it, and we treat our dates poorly because we expect the same in
return.
As our self-esteem
flags, so does the way we regard the people we date. They become suspect,
belonging to a club we wouldn’t want to join because it accepts us as a member.
So we treat them like they don’t matter and now their self-esteem is
floundering. We can stop the vicious cycle. But it requires believing we are
worthy of love, it is attainable, and treating our dated like prospective life
partners instead of bottom feeders.
Can we approach
dating with a sense of promise?
I’ve met several happy
couples who met in middle age. The one thing they have in common is their
radiant smiles. I could envision a first meeting where he sees a curvy woman
with a kind face who looks happy to meet him. She sees a man with a high
forehead and deep blue eyes that look hopeful. They see promise, and therefore
beauty in each other.
It’s exciting to meet
new people. You might find the second love of your life. Or at least have some
great times with someone lovable.
With the pandemic, we’re
forced to limit our social interactions. Our first drinks together might be on
zoom, our first meal a socially distanced picnic, and our first kiss might take
place way later than we thought it would. Let’s use that extra time to take
more care with how we treat each other. And to see that connecting with another
person is a privilege, not a battle ground.
It’d like to start a
movement called “The Unfun Daters”, people who are unabashedly looking for
life-time partners and who won’t accept less.
What do we want? Serious
commitment.
When do we want it? Within
a prudent timeframe.
Add in the twenty page
contract you have to sign where in you agree to be courteous and accountable to
your dates, and you see what I mean.
Dating is work. I used
to spend a set amount of time each day online checking out new profiles and
answering messages. When I agreed to meet, I kept my appointments. But most importantly,
I believed I’d find my forever person. It took years, but I did, through
perseverance and an almost insane believe in love.
So, if your prospects
aren’t interested, it may be because you’re already radiating defeat. We need
to see promise instead of futility. And we need to come from a place of
compassion instead of disillusion.
Let’s start by being
kinder to each other.
copied from this link
Blogging at https://www.thehungoverwidow.com
Essays in the New York Times’ Modern Love and others. Just got an MFA in
writing at 56
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