Toxic parents

 

In my previous writing, I wrote my own experience, that in my opinion, mothers love their children unconditionally, no matter what happens, a mother will always support her child. In Bahasa Indonesia, there is a proverb: "Kasih ibu sepanjang jalan, kasih anak sepanjang galah." or "A mother's love is as long as a road while a child's love is as long as a pole". In other words we can say a mother's love is timeless while a child's love is limited.

 

Is it always like this?

 

*******

 

Not long after Angie graduated from college in 2015, she got a job, as a content writer. Although the job was not in accordance with her educational background, I supported her to take it. I coincidentally just lost a job back then. Therefore, with her working and her own earning, I didn't need to give her pocket money anymore. I felt it was high time for her to learn to be responsible with her need.

 

Shockingly, one day Angie told me that one of her workmates -- a girl in her late teenage -- told Angie that she had to give more than 50% of her pay to her parents. As the first child, her parents taught her to be responsible to help make their ends meet. She graduated only from high school since her parents didn't have money to send her to college. She didn't complain. She thought that her parents had right to ask her to do that. Moreover her parents cited some verses from the holy Book that children were supposed to be indebted toward their parents to live in this world.

 

I believe that this workmate of Angie's is not the only one who shares the same idea: children must love their parents unconditionally by, let's say, giving the parents their pay after getting a job. I often read some statuses on social medias about toxic parents who treat their children as source of income. Worse than that, some toxic parents even ask the less loved kid to financially fulfill the other siblings' need.

 

Here is one sample showing that a mother can be toxic while the daughter even loves the mother unconditionally. I am of opinion that this kinda thing happens because the parents 'teach' their children like what I wrote above: "the holy Book instructs the children to love their parents unconditionally because without their parents, they will never exist in this world."

 

I screenshot it from 'threads'

 

 

PT56 13.27 11/09/2024

 

A mother's love versus a daughter's love

 

4 September 2022, at Gumuk Reco, Banyubiru, Ambarawa

When I knew that Mom was on her final days in this world, every day I was full of worry and anxiety. And of course I kept hoping that Mom would have longer life than what I was worried about. I could not figure out why I felt that way. What was I afraid of when I had to go on living without Mom?

 

As long as I remember, Mom raised her kids in a traditional way: "I know better than you do because I am your Mom; I am older than you so I know things better." This made me feel unsure to start talking about some personal matters openly. In this case, especially, is my 'converting' from being a religious Muslim to being an agnostic. I was not sure if she would accept my explanation; therefore when she scolded me because I didn't do any ritual pray, I kept quiet. Some blog friends advised me to talk about it with Mom openly, who knows then she would understand, but I chose to be quiet.

 

One time, Mom was really angry with me, perhaps because I never responded her interrogation about my stopping doing the rituals, I came to think that perhaps she would ask me to leave the house. I already said to Angie about this possibility, and she was ready to be with me.

 

(FYI, Angie and I never get involved to talk about our spiritual belief. Nevertheless, we both don't do religious rituals.)

 

In fact, Mom never asked me to leave the house, till she passed away. I am of opinion that despite the fact she used to scold me, she loved me unconditionally. No matter what I had done back then, she accepted me just the way I was.

 

After she was gone, I realized how brave, strong and tough Mom was, not to mention loving to her children. She was still 18 years old when marrying Dad, and he brought her to Semarang, a town located very far from her hometown, Gorontalo. (Dad is from Gorontalo too.) Both Mom and Dad did not have any relatives living in Semarang.

 

27 years after their marriage, Dad passed away, his body was buried in Semarang. This made Mom insist to stay in Semarang when her brother and sisters in Gorontalo asked her to go back to her hometown at that time. "In order to visit Dad's graveyard easily now and then" and I believe Mom chose this also in order that she didn't give a cultural shock to her four children, in case we moved to Gorontalo.

 

After Mom passed away, I came to think how her life perhaps would be easier if she moved back to Gorontalo, her siblings as well as her other relatives could be her shoulder to cry on when she needed one. This is why I thought that the decision to go on living in Semarang was for her children too.

 

I am of opinion that Mom belonged to a type of person who didn't think it was necessary to utter love to her children. She even was not accustomed to calling her children with loving nick, as I always call Angie, "honey …" But I know she loves her children unconditionally. Even though the way she raised me made me see her as an 'invincible' woman with whom I am not supposed to debate. In return, I cannot show her my love for her openly either.

 

*******

 

On facebook, I have a 'friend' who once a while writes about her relationship with her mom. Her mom belongs to the conventional type, that once in a while triggers conflict between my friend and her mom. When reading her statuses about her mom, I assume that her mom is more conventional than my Mom. For example, after my friend's daughter graduated from college, her mother spontaneously asked her to marry off her daughter. She believes that it the 'normal' step of a human being. My Mom was not like that at all. When she passed away, my younger sister was 47 years old, still single, and Mom accepted it, no grumpy utterances whatsoever.

 

On the other hand, in fact, I was more 'courageous' to face Mom than that friend of mine. For example, when I was a teenager, I already had an experience to go hiking/trekking, to ride my own motorcycle, one thing that she was not allowed to do by her mom, and she just obeyed her mom. While in fact, I already felt not 'that' free, let's say, Mom never allowed me to go out of town with my classmate, although we would go with her parents. Mom never allowed me to go camping although it was a school's activity.

 

I believe the way our mothers loved their daughters was different. My friend's mother was too worried if something wrong happened so she didn't have experiences like going hiking or riding motorcycle during her teenage years (including when she was in college). My mom was a bit like that, but she still let me go hiking and riding motorcycle.

 

The difference was I never had a heart to speak up to Mom, especially talking about my spiritual belief. This friend of mine, finally, had courage to confront her mom after she reached the age of fifty something, without feeling guilty.

 

Meanwhile, around 2 years ago, Angie told me that one good friend of hers was expelled from her house by her mother because the mother thought the daughter didn't want to listen to her, such as to save her income, such a trivial thing (for me) to ask a daughter to go out of the house. Angie's friend belongs to the Gen Z, who is accustomed to talking openly about anything, while her mother -- the Gen X -- could not accept that. Angie's friend left the house and lived in a boarding house.

 

Around 15 years ago, I also had a workmate who was expelled by her mother from home because of the quarrel between her parents, and my workmate was on her father's side! And this happened to her several times. (when this workmate of mine quarreled with her mother, she was expelled from home. Several months later, she went back home, when her mother was no longer angry. But then this happened again and again.)

 

As far as I remember, Angie and I never have such a fight that makes us stay away from each other. And I never understand how a mother can ask her child to leave the house for something trivial like that.

 

From some cases above, I cannot say that in general mothers love their children unconditionally.

 

------------------------

 

Several days after Mom passed away, I read Angie's blog about her grandma's passing. She gave it a title, "The sun in my family was gone." (Now I am wondering if she chose 'the sun' to describe her grandma because I labeled her as my lovely STAR? If she is a star, her grandma is the sun.) There she wrote about a wish she used to have when she was younger.

 

"I had a wish that I never wanted to experience someone dear in the family passes away. If I can choose, I want to do it first so that I don't need to feel the deep sorrow of being left."

 

This shocked me!

 

I don't think I can accept this! I want everything to run 'normally' in my life: those who pass (first) are those who are older than the others. Not only can I not accept it, but I also don't want to think about it. Let me die first. But I don't wanna leave Angie now or in the near future. Angie is still single and young. When Mom passed away, I was 51 years old and I have already had Angie, and until now I still sometimes shed tears when remembering Mom (I don't think I loved her enough back then.) I want, at least, Angie to have a loving and loved soul mate first, then has child who will comfort her from her sorrow. In my humble opinion, she needs a reliable shoulder to cry on. Although in my dictionary, I believe that no child is ready to be left by his/her loving/loved parent(s), especially a mother.

 

PT56 - MS48 05 September 2024

 

Is Death Scary?

 

One topic which is interesting to discuss in class -- when there is a chance for random topics -- is this: death is scary.

 

I often find students who agree with this statement: "death is scary". I figure out that most of them who agree with this are those who adhere with Islam as their religion. As someone who used to study Islam teachings since I started going to elementary school until I reached the age of 35 when I started learning about feminism, I completely understand why. Many people are afraid of death because of the threat of torture in hell when they lack of good deeds when living on this Earth. And as far as I know, most people feel not ready to die because of lacking these deeds.

 

Many students mention exactly like what I have in mind.

 

I have written in my previous writings that my transformation from a (secular) Muslim to be agnostic (I was also somewhat influenced by Buddhism's teaching) made me view death as no longer an entrance to either hell or heaven. I believe in hell or heaven no more. I may still believe in the existence God (you may see me as either Agnostic or Deist then) but of course I view God differently from what most Muslim people do. Death is only someone's experience to move from one dimension of life to another dimension of life.

 

When hearing my explanation above, many students of mine were in awe. I could see from their facial expression. "How could Ms. Nana easily say that?" Then they thought that I never know Islam teaching. :)

 

One week ago, I happened to talk about this topic with a new student of mine. Surprisingly, she shared similar view with me: she is not scared of death. One thing she is worried is if her death will make people close to her feel sad. This really made two of us! Isn't it very interesting? Nevertheless, there is another more painful thing related to death though, for me: if someone very dear to me has to move to another dimension when I am still alive.

 

PT56 16.30 23 July 2024

 

P.S.:

 

The phrase "that makes two of us" is an idiomatic expression used to indicate agreement with someone else's statement or feeling

 

He is just not into me

 I copied the following article from this link.

Bibi Lynch

 

A moment that changed me: I’m 58 and single since 1997. A Sex and the City meme transformed my life

 

My first and only proper relationship ended the day after Princess Diana died. There followed years of dalliances and situationships, before I realized something crucial about myself

 

Bibi Lynch

 

Wed 12 Jun 2024 07.00 BST Last modified on Wed 12 Jun 2024 13.12 BST

 

Sometimes a meme can change your life. OK, your love life, let’s not get Carrie’d away. It was about 3am; I was in bed with two empty Gü Zillionaire ramekins and my favourite hot-water bottle (yes, I have a favourite), and zombie-scrolling TikTok. A Sex and the City clip appeared. The one that says: “He’s just not that into you.”

 

I’d obviously seen it before, years ago when the show came out, but I hadn’t seen it since. So I didn’t swipe. I watched – for old times’ sake. And it blew my mind. You remember? Miranda is telling Carrie and Charlotte about her previous night’s almost-encounter: asking for their theories about a date who “didn’t come up” because he said he had an early meeting.

 

While Carrie and Charlotte suggest he’s still interested “but wants to take it slow”, Carrie’s then-boyfriend, tasty Berger is having none of it: “Not going to sugar-coat it for you: he’s just not that into you.” Carrie squeals. Charlotte gasps. I stopped licking the Gü pot. And just like that … it all made sense.

 

I knew this line, so why hadn’t I “got” it before? It would’ve made things so much easier, because my personal life has been a disaster. I’m 58 and have only had one boyfriend – for four years from the age of 27 – and that relationship ended the day after Diana, Princess of Wales died. My other dalliances have been one-night stands, three-month collapses and very many infatuations and situationships in between.

 

There’s been no love affair since 1997, no second date since 2017. My last “potential” romance spent our only rendezvous looking over my shoulder and smiling at the younger, prettier woman behind me – and I was obsessed with him. Well, with my version of him. When you don’t really know someone it’s so easy to project on to and invest in a person. The internet makes it so easy to find out just enough that you can decide who you think they are.

 

This one was a lovebomber; he would leave me voice notes and send me cute videos, then end up breadcrumbing and ghosting me. Oh, the time I spent, like Miranda, deciphering mixed messages and analyzing why we weren’t happening. He was scared of getting hurt, I reasoned; he was overwhelmed by his feelings towards me; he was certain we were soulmates and wanted to make sure he was in the right emotional state for me because he couldn’t mess this one up.

 

Of course, none of the above was true. He just wasn’t that into me. None of them had been. There was the ex who told me: “I like seeing you but I never feel sad when you leave.” Which my brain interpreted as: “We’re slowly building strong foundations. How fabulous.” And the bloke who informed me: “You know this isn’t a relationship, don’t you?”

 

I wasted years analyzing and making excuses for these men, when I should have spent time analyzing myself: because I was the problem here – I was the one attracting men who didn’t want to commit because I didn’t want to commit. Not deep down. It was too dangerous (traumatizing relationship role models will do that to you). Not only did I not want to commit, I actually felt safe in that high-octane starting stage of a relationship, because those heightened emotions were familiar to me from my childhood. He’s just not that into me? I’m just not that into me.

 

But not any more. Now I’m ready: ready to sort out my baggage with my therapist and ready to sort the wheat from the chaff when it comes to my dates. A man says we must meet but never makes an actual plan? He’s just not that into me. A bloke takes three days to reply to a message, and when he does he hearts it? He can jog on. One crush views all my Insta Stories but that’s the beginning and end of the attention? No more ringing my poor friend Em to ask her if he’s into me. He’s not. I know that now.

 

This freed-up brain space is a joy. As Miranda says to Carrie and Charlotte: “It is the most liberating thing I’ve ever heard.” Time is running out and if I want to find my person I have to learn how to commit; how to fall in love. I have to unlearn all my adult behaviour. The thought is actually as exciting as it is daunting. I might finally meet someone. Can you imagine? Perhaps I need another TV show meme to help me on my journey. Nothing from EastEnders, please.

 

Why getting married? (3)

 

the pic was taken from this link

 

Around a year ago, one loved of mine was asked by one good friend of hers to accompany her to 'escape' to another town for two days. Let's call her 'Y'. Y needed to 'run away' to avoid a wedding invitation: her ex married another woman! She felt cheated because she and her ex just broke up, then she got that invitation. Her 'reading' was: her ex-boyfriend dated two girls at the same time. When Y refused his marriage proposal, he decided to marry the other one.

 

Just a few days ago, my loved one told me another story, still related to Y. Y met her college friend, let's call him X. X clearly seemed to try his best to get close to Y. And last weekend, X asked Y out, where X gave her a quite expensive gift, while saying something like he wanted to get married in the near future now that his parents are getting old and X thought the parents need a daughter-in-law to take care of them. How about X? X works out of Java island, quite far from where his parents live.

 

There!

 

I just came to another 'conclusion': I need to add another reason why people get married: to take care of parents. Oh, perhaps I can still add another one: the parents already want to have grandchildren. These two reasons are very typical Indonesian culture, I presume! This reminded me of one quite popular singer in Indonesia: Denny Caknan wanted to get married as soon as possible (his ex-girlfriend seemed to refuse his marriage proposal) now that his parents really want to have grandchildren. Therefore, Denny married another girl.

 

Let's wait for the next news: will Y accept X's proposal to take care of X's parents. My loved one said that Y told her, "Did he think only his parents need to be taken care of? Didn't he think I also want to take care of my own parents in their old age?"

 

PT56 13.37 11/06/2024

P.S.:

 

Y refused her (last year) boyfriend's proposal because she knew that in fact the ulterior motive of that man to marry her was to take care of his parents.

 

 

Why getting married (2) can be viewed here.  

 

Why getting married can be viewed here

Israel versus Palestina

 

Honestly speaking, I am not that into this topic. One beloved of mine seems very interested in this though. Once he asked me whether I had anything to say about this, but at that time both of us were still very busy with our daily activities. We didn't talk about it at that time. And until now, we never talk about this.

 

And yesterday I saw this kinda picture on his WA story.

 

One thing that I know, this case is not about religion, is it? It is about two countries fighting over an area. Who has right? Who doesn't have right? It is a very long long story! And, once again, I am not really into this. The leaders of those countries choose to continue fighting, they don't care about their own people's safety, moreover their future.

 

We, Indonesian, still have so many things to handle and cover. We ourselves still have so much homework to do to reach Pak Jokowi's dream: Indonesia Emas 2045. Let our leaders decide what to do when talking about the fight between Israel and Palestina. Meanwhile, we, Indonesian citizens, keep going on living together peacefully.

 

Let us hand in hand to make our dream come true.

 

PT56 15.05 30/05/2024

Racial Discrimination

 

It is the same old story, I presume, although perhaps we can say that nowadays the situation is getting better -- fairer -- for all races: the Native American, the African American, the Chinese, etc.

 

Just recently I have watched 2 short clips in social medias about the judgmental behavior towards the Native American and the African American. It is clearly seen that the hostile judgment was triggered by different skins. One short clip described how a store manager accused one (prospective) customer to do shoplifting, only because she was Native American.

 

This reminded me of one ex-student of mine. 17 years ago he migrated to the US to get a better living. I once asked him how he did that. He didn't want to explain about it. He just said, "It is very hard to live here, Miss. I don't think you can do this." while in fact I just wanted to know his experience, not to follow his path. Ha ha … Nevertheless, he made it! I mean, until now he still lives there. A year ago he married one girl from Indonesia, then he brought her to live with him in the US, instead of him going back home to Indonesia.

 

However, watching those short clips describing racial discrimination in the US, I came to think about him. His life must be very hard. The income he can get is worth his struggle there, I suppose.

 

PT56 11.24 30/5/2024

 

Religious Snob

 I copied this article from my blog here. I wrote this 18 years ago and now I wonder why I posted it in that blog, not here. ha ha ... 

pic from this site

This is one topic that has been discussed "hotly" for several weeks in one mailing list I join.
Religious snob ...

I must admit that I used to be included in such a "community" because I was indoctrinated like that--that Islam is the only right religion; that embracing Islam will make a group of people better than the rest so that they are the only people who will go to heaven while the rest go go hell, etc.

I didn't use my common sense at that time because of my very young age and also the strong indoctrination given by people I must respect--parents and teachers.

After I used my common sense, and I consider myself to be "awakened" from my long sleep, I found those religious snob very ridiculous.

Naively I thought my "awakening" was closely related to my advancing age.

However, when reading that those joining the mailing list I mentioned above are about the same age as I am, even older, and still they are not "awakened" yet, still consider themselves as the most enlightened, and then underestimate other people who view things from contradictory perspective, I become very sad; even sometimes I feel so broken-hearted. 

Recently a workmate and I have had discussed this kind of thing: what will happen to Indonesia when the people easily judge other people bad only because of the different religion and then they impose their being majority to force other people to agree with their opinion--let's say to apply the Sharia regulations (based on Islamic regulation); while our founding fathers like Soekarno and Hatta (the first president and the first vice president) already formulated Indonesia as a country based on PANCASILA (five principles) that accommodate different religions and encouraged the conducive situation among different religions. Isn't that much lovelier to understand other people? So that they understand us?

Age really doesn't guarantee that someone is wise.

 

July 4, 2006

Why getting married?

 

In episode 15 season 4, Sex and the City, Carrie asked her 3 friends: "Why do we even have to get married? Give me one good reason, aside that no wants to die alone thing."

 

Charlotte answered: "For me, when it is good, marriage gives me a sense of security."

Carrie responded, "I feel secure in this relationship now. Things are great with us."

 

Many years ago, when I asked my students why people get married, in Indonesian culture, the first reason is to celebrate sex (legally, both in the country law and in the religion law). In Indonesia, on the 'surface' culture, people are not supposed to have sex before they get married, although of course, in sub-culture, sex outside wedlock is acceptable. (Am I right? Or not yet?)

 

Related to my post here, from some reasons I mentioned why people get married (in Indonesia), where is 'security' positioned? ('security' as Charlotte mentioned.) But, perhaps, first, we need to find out how Charlotte defined security here. Is it

 

1. Financial security; when the couple get divorced, the wife will get some money from the husband, or on the way around
2. Social security; people know that the couple are married. This is somewhat important in Indonesia now that many hotels ask for a copy of marriage certificate when a couple want to stay a night
3. Another social security: when a married woman gets pregnant, people will not judge her as  a bit*h because she is married, she is legal to have sex, therefore it is accepted when she is pregnant

 

Well, in my opinion, with the shrink of the world (due to internet technology) Indonesian culture -- in this case is getting married -- is still far cry from Western culture. Carrie felt secure in her relationship with Aidan without getting married, from Carrie's point. On the contrary, Aidan felt insecure if he didn't 'tie' Carrie in a marriage bond; in their previous relationship, Carrie cheated on him with Big. Therefore, he really wanted to marry Carrie while (he thought that) Carrie was still head-over-heels in love with him.

 

In fact, marriage does not guarantee that someone will not cheat on his/her partner, anyway. Marriage is as fragile as boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

 

Don’t you think?

 

PT56 13.48 27/05/2024

 

Friendship

 

Since the first time I watched serials SEX AND THE CITY, I have been amazed by the friendship of the four main characters: Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte. And I was imagining if only I had some good friends with whom I would once in a while 'sacrifice' my me-time to be with them, in the name of 'friendship'.

 

However, then I thought, that was just serials on television.

 

Until I finished reading IS THERE STILL SEX IN THE CITY. And today I read one review about the book, (in this link ) The last paragraph was as follows:

 

In answer to the title question, Bushnell has decamped to the Hamptons, where she relishes planting vegetables, staying in and hula-hooping. These are the bonus years, Bushnell says, an opportunity to reinvigorate and reap the benefits of self-knowledge. Her own Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha have also moved into the neighborhood, proof of her enduring thesis that friendship is life's greatest love story.

 

In my younger years, when I was still teaching in one university in my hometown, I had some good friends with whom I used to confide in about anything. Until I had to leave that workplace. And I could not make new friends somewhere else.

 

Recently, when seeing Angie, my daughter sometimes go hanging out with some workmates of hers, I remember my time 25 years ago. I seldom went hanging out with my workmates -- at that time I already had Angie while my other (female) workmates were still single. Then after some of them got married, they were busy with their kids. (No 'story' about 'leaving the kids behind' when the time to spend together with the friends came, just like what we can see in serials SEX AND THE CITY.) Nevertheless, perhaps Angie will also undergo what I experienced more than 20 years ago: after some people get married, then everybody will be busy with their family.

 

I do wanna know if there is friendship like the one we see in SEX AND THE CITY in Indonesia.

 

MS48 18.32 16/05/2024