Why women leave men they love – what every man needs to know
As a marriage counselor working with men and women in
relationship crisis, I help clients navigate numerous marriage counseling
issues. While many situations are complex, there’s one profoundly simple truth
that men need to know. It’s this – Women leave men they love.
They feel terrible about it. It tears the heart out of them. But they do
it. They rally their courage and their resources and they leave. Women leave
men with whom they have children, homes, and lives. Women leave for many
reasons, but there’s one reason in particular that haunts me, one that I want
men to understand:
Women leave because their man is not present. He’s working, golfing,
gaming, watching TV, fishing … the list is long. There aren’t bad men. They’re
good men. They’re good fathers. They each support their family. They’re nice,
likable, but they take their wife for granted; they’re not present.
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Women in my office tell me “Someone could come and sweep me off my
feet, right out from under my husband.” Sometimes the realization scares
them. Sometimes they cry.
Men – I’m not saying this is right or wrong. I’m telling you what I see.
You can get as angry or hurt or indignant as you want. Your wife is not your property. She does not owe
you her soul. You earn it. Day by day, moment to moment. You earn her
first and foremost with your presence, your aliveness. She needs to feel it. She
wants to talk to you about what matters to her and to feel you hearing her. Not
nodding politely. Not placating. Definitely not playing devil’s advocate.
She wants you to feel her. She doesn’t want absent-minded groping or
quick release sex. She want to feel your passion. Can you feel your passion? Can
you show her? Not just your passion for her or for sex; your passion for being
alive. Do you have it? It’s the most attractive thing you possess. If you’ve
lost it, why? Where did it go? Find out. Find it. If you never discovered it you
are living on borrowed time.
If you think you’re present with your wife, try listening to her. Does your
mind wander? Notice. When you look at her, how deeply do you see her? Look again,
look deeper. Meet her gaze and keep it for longer than usual, longer than
comfortable. If she asks what you’re doing, tell her. “I’m looking into you. I want
to see you deeply. I’m curious about who you are. After all these years, I still
want to know who you are every day.” But only say it if you mean it, if you
know it’s true.
Touch her down with your full attention. Before you lay your hand on
her, notice the sensation in your hand. Notice what happens the moment you make
contact. What happens in your body? What do you feel? Notice the most subtle
sensations and emotions. (This is sometimes called mindfulness.) Tell her about what you’re noticing,
moment to moment.
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But you’re busy. You don’t have time for this. How about five minutes? Five minutes each day. Will you commit to that? I’m not talking about extravagant dinners or nights out (although those are fine too.) I’m talking about five minutes every day to be completely present to the woman you share your life with. To be completely open – hearing and seeing without judgment. Will you do that? I bet once you start, once you get a taste, you won’t want to stop.
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