This writing is taken from here.
What
turns women on? Well, they don’t show it on Red Tube.
I hate porn.
I don’t hate it because it’s immoral, or because it often explores “unusual” tastes, or because it has uncovered a bestial side of humans we pretended didn’t exist. I hate porn because fucking men who have watched a lot of porn is the worst. The absolute worst. For the sake of your future partners, go easy on the porn. Many young men will watch porn more often than they have sex with other humans. Their beliefs about sex will come from porn and not from interactions with real people.
And the real humans who eventually
have sex with suffer for it.
Most porn is about watching women pretend to enjoy sex acts that are
unpleasant to them. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it is. Men who
watch this type of porn are basically being taught sexual practices that will not work in real life.
Why does that matter? Well, if you’re an 18 year old virgin, the only moves you’re
learning are moves that
will leave your partners miserable.
More than that, however, is men become
accustomed to watching women pretending to be turned on. Being good
in bed, fundamentally, is about being able to read someone else, and men are
learning false cues.
Humans are very sophisticated at reading the emotional expressions of other
humans. We call tell when someone fake smiles because there are certain
involuntary muscles that can only be activated when someone is genuinely
smiling. Similarly, we can tell when someone is sad, or in pain. Porn actresses
are not usually genuinely turned on. In fact, they are often in pain. Porn actress
Shelly Lubben (former porn actress) describes filming porn:
To add to the mind-numbing process, women are never able to experience
sexual pleasure because of the continuous cutting during sex scenes. In the
background the director constantly yells, “cut” and the flow of action is
interrupted in order to get a better shot, adjust lighting or to wipe up bodily
fluids. Repeatedly pornographers stop scenes and ask actors to “freeze: in
position during very hardcore sex acts, which causes great physical and
emotional pain for porn actresses.
I speak from personal experience when I say to be in the middle of a
hardcore sex act with several actors at the same time and told to “freeze” in
position for several minutes while lighting or cameras are adjusted is
extremely painful and degrading. It’s also very humiliating when scenes are
stopped in order to wipe up bodily fluids such as semen, feces, and blood.
Shelly Lubben describing
the filming of porn
Men become conditioned to watching women
in pain pretending to enjoying sex. How good an actress is your average
porn actress? Good enough to cover up all the subtle cues that she’s hurting? Good
enough to be able to face genuine sexual pleasure? I suspect not.
This means that your average young man
is starting at worse than zero when it comes to sex with women. If he’s
having sex with a girl, and she’s giving out cues that she’s in pain (through
her facial expression, or the noises she makes) he’s going to think that’s how
sex should be because that’s what he learned in porn. If she’s genuinely
turned on, he will not know how to identify it, because he’s watched so many
women pretending to be turned on that his ability to identify genuine pleasure
has been scrambled. And, this is best case scenario porn. This is if he watched
where the women were at least pretending to have a good time.
More sadistic porn will teach young
men to derive pleasure from causing women pain – and I’m not talking
about BDSM. I’m talking about “vanilla” porn where men fuck women in ways that
hurt them. Jenna Jameson describes one of her more “epic” porn scenes with TT
Boy in her autobiography:
He raced through the
foreplay – a little kissing a little oral sex – then all hell broke loose. He slammed
me so fast and hard that it took every ounce of control I had to stay focused
and in the moment … I could feel my thighs bruising against his. Then suddenly
it all stopped. He pulled out and shot straight into my mouth. I wasn’t
expecting him to pop so soon.
“Is that all?” I asked.
“No,” he said. He grabbed
my hips and helped me just over his lap and started slamming me into his dick. I
was in decent shape cardio-wise, but he moved with such force and speed that I
was winded. I felt like my insides were going to fall out. And then, finally,
he popped – again.
“Is that all?” I asked.
“No,” he grunted.
And he put it right back
inside. The guy was a machine. There was no lull. His focus never dimmed. His intensity
never wavered. He’d throw me into position after position, and would come in
each one. I was in shock. I’d never been fucked like this in my life.
I couldn’t wait for him to
finish. I was starting to get sore. Finally, after four pop shots, he said, “Hold
on. I have to go eat something.”
“Are we done?” I dared to
ask.
“Not by a long shot.” He said.
I didn’t think I could
take anymore, but I kept my mouth shut. I was curious to see what he was up to
now. He walked off, devoured three cans of tuna, and was back with a raging
hard-on still pulsating in the air. Within minutes, he was pounding me over and
over, in every position I’d ever imagine and some I hadn’t, until finally, with
one last climactic pop, he was done. Time elapsed: 156 minutes. …
I literally limped away
from the set, licking my wounds. …
Jenna Jameson, How to make lovelike a porn star: A cautionary tale
Obviously, TT Boy’s “pleasure” was the
center of the scene. He came – what – like 5 times? And, she was supposed to
just lie there and take the pain. This was normal, standard issue porn. This
is the type of porn that young men will be consuming in vast quantities. THIS
is the type of porn that people will grow up modeling in their private lives.
Why would a woman ever want that done
to her? Even Jenna Jameson, who romanticizes a lot of the porn she was in,
admits, “I couldn’t wait for him to finish. I was starting to get sore.”
I almost hesitate in posting that
quote, because I’m sure a bunch of people are going to read it and be like “that
sounds hot”. Sure – Jameson is a porn star, and she wanted to present herself
as sexy in her autobiography so she’ll write things in a way she knows
turns people on. But, in a way, that sort of proves my point. A woman in a lot
of pain reads as sexy to a large group of people. And, ok, some women
like painful sex and they can go have painful sex. But, I’m pretty sure most
women don’t like having painful sex. Or, maybe they romanticize the idea of it,
but when their vaginas are actually being run raw, they realize they’re
miserable.
We idealize women in pain as the epitome of “hard core” sex then wonder why nearly half of all women suffer from female sexual dysfunction. We create porn that caters to male pleasure while eroticizing female suffering, then philosophize on the low female libido. Men learned to get turned on by female suffering, and women expect to get turned on by their own suffering. But, suffering sucks, and a lot of women eventually decide they’d rather not have sex than suffer whenever they do.
Then, when their relationships suffer
from sexual anorexia, the advice women are offered for their low libidos is
usually advice about to please men. Joan Sewell, in her book “I’d Rather Eat
Chocolate” describes a book by relationship expert Myreah Moore called Date
Like a Man:
In it there’s section with
the bold title “How to Have Sex Like a Man.” But very curiously, the majority
of the chapter deals with what men want sexually, not women. Here are some of
the headings:
Men like blow jobs
Get to know Mr. Happy
Kiss It, Lick It, Squeeze
It, Tease It
Deep throating
Men like women who swallow
Men like pornography
Men like lingerie
Men like to talk dirty
Men like women who bring
on the noise
Men like women who are
flexible
Men like Lesbians
I’d Rather Eat Chocolate:Learning to Love My Low Libido by Joan
Sewell
When I think about wanting to have sex
like a man, I think about wanting to enjoy sex with reckless abandon the
way men enjoy sex. Devoting all my energy to please a male partner at the cost
of my own pleasure isn’t having sex like a man. It’s having sex men like.
We think of all these cures for low
female libido – testosterone patches, sexy lingerie, getting husband to help
with the cleaning (?) –but not one of these cures is ever about doing more
of things that turn women on. Not one of them is exploring the type of
erotica that women like. No one ever looks to the root of female desire, and
why so many of us are cut off from it. As Vera Mass says in Facing the
Complexities of Women’s Sexual Desire:
Books that, while
asserting the importance of sex for women and promising to provide guidance for
women in raring for their sexual selves … have devoted only about 6% of their
volume to the discussion of the topic of sexual desire.
Facing the Complexities of
Women’s Sexual Desire by Vera
Maass:
All
the sex advice out there generally tends to cycle back to the same thing: how
can women get more comfortable with doing what men like? Even women reporting on their own pleasure has become
suspect, because somewhere along the way, women figured out that men like it if
they pretend to be turned on. So now you have all these women claiming to love
sex, and love getting fucked over 5 ways from Sunday, but three years into
their marriage, they’re like “don’t touch me.”
Men are all confused, like “omg, she
pretended to be into sex, then once I married her ass, she went celibate! She led
me on!” but any attentive man wouldn’t be confused by this at all. If a woman
is constantly easy to please, if she requires no work, if she never makes
requests or opens up about fantasies of her own she is faking it. Apparently,
80% of women fake orgasm half the
time during sex. Half the time. 80%! And of course, men can’t tell, because
most of the sex they’ve been exposed to has involved the insincere moans of
porn stars.
Researchers found that
women are often quietest when they are actually receiving pleasure, like during
oral sex or foreplay. They make the most erotic noises when sex starts feeling
uncomfortable or when they get bored.
They also get noisy when
they sense their partner is ready to climax – to boost their partner’s
self-esteem, many reported.
I never fake my orgasms, and having
sex with men who are conditioned on porn and fake orgasm sucks. I’m like, the
perpetual bearer of bad news. No, I’m not ready to come yet. Sorry, I need more
attention. More time. More foreplay.
I’m sorry, everything you learned
about sex is wrong.
Porn culture has warped female
pleasure to be just another thing women do for the benefit of men. This is
why I’ve grown wary of sex-positive feminism. Sex may be fun, and pleasure may
be good for you, but in my experience, very few women are actually
adventurous enough to go out in selfish pursuit of their own pleasure. Many women
like to appear sexually forward because this is a way to attract men,
but the best strategy for attracting men is to pretend everything that
turns them on also turns you on. Sex positive feminism, while good in theory,
often becomes another way to justify catering to male pleasure.
Most women, I think, get stuck in a
rut around male pleasure because it feels safer to cater to someone else’s
pleasure than it does to open up about your own. If you are not actually
receiving pleasure in sex, you are the one in power; your partner will always
crave you more than you crave him. This gives you some degree of control. And universally,
while women may not be the ones enjoying sex, they sure seem to be the
ones controlling it. Keeping tight control over sex was probably how women
negotiated for the things they needed when they relied on male partners for
their survival. But, such sexual control came at a cost; the cost of our
pleasure.
Anyway, we now just act like that’s
the normal stage of things; women have lower sex drive than men cuz
testosterone! But, frankly, I’m surprised women have sex drives as high as we
do given how little of our culture is devoted to appealing to feminine desire. We’re
fed lines like “looks don’t matter to women” to which I would respond HA HA HA
HA HA. Yeah, looks don’t matter if women aren’t expecting to get any sexual
pleasure out of the relationship. Which many aren’t. if you want to attract
women for something other than your wallet, however, put some effort into your
physical appearance. The average straight guy sets the bar so low on this one,
frankly, you probably don’t need to do too much to be pretty good looking. And,
even if you don’t end up looking good, looking like you care is
probably good enough. It signals that you value a woman’s physical
attraction to you.
So, what do we do about this? I have
no fucking idea. Seriously, this situation is so messed up the best thing I could
think to do was not have sex with men for 5 years. But, I guess for a start,
realize that when it comes to what women like from sex, we are perpetuating far
more lies than truths. Try to re-learn what women like, or what you like, from
real women or in person experiences. Ignore the media, ignore porn. Ignore anyone
trying to sell you something. Spend more time observing real life.
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