This article is copied from here.
A
friend of mine and I were recently doing what we do: comparing our lists of
garbage dating trends. There are just so many that this conversation could go
on forever, but that day’s focus zeroed in on an enormous pet peeve for both of
us: the perception of single moms in the dating world.
If
you’re a single mom, you can probably guess most of these without even looking
down the list. You’ve been there. Some single dads may have experienced a few
of these, too. It’s all ridiculous, and I hope this little PSA helps someone
out there get a clue that maybe they didn’t have before about the challenges to
dating a single mom.
First of all,
don’t call us MILFs.
For
the unenlightened, this nasty little acronym stands for moms I’d
like to f*ck. While most people might have the good sense to
think it but not say it, I’ve had this said to me directly a number of times,
as if I were being paid an amazing compliment. It’s not complementary; it’s
disrespectful. When you open with this statement, you’ve already clarified that
we aren’t even people to you; just a notch on your bedpost.
Cougar is another term that needs to go. If
you’re willing to date someone older, be mature enough to date them for
themselves without invoking this ugly term. If you feel like you need to use
it, maybe you’re not mature enough to be dating someone older than you.
We haven’t
lowered the bar.
There’s
this assumption that we’re desperate and have lowered the bar to accommodate
any men who will have us. I’m not sure where this entirely demented idea
originated from, but most of us have weathered divorces, shit relationships,
and single parenting. We have in no way lowered our standards. Most of us have
jacked them up pretty high to make sure that we don’t end up in toxic
relationships that might spill over to our children.
This
means that when you send us your dick pic, we’re not going to rush out to see
it in person. It actually may get you sent directly to a block list because we
want a quality partner and not someone firing off pictures of their equipment
to total strangers. If someone asks for them, fine. But it’s bad form to just
send them out. Learn about consent.
We‘re not
Daddy shopping.
I can
honestly say that I went on a date where the guy practically interviewed me to
be the stepmom for his kid. It was a first date. Maybe people like this are why
there’s a misconception that single parents are hunting for a prospective
step-parent for the kids.
The
single people I know aren’t out interviewing mommies or daddies. We’re looking
for connection and a healthy relationship. If we find that, we certainly want
one capable of filling that role for our kids, but we’re not out shopping for a
step-parent where just anyone could fit the bill. So don’t bother trying to cozy
up to our kids or push hard on forming a relationship with them. We’re not
going to let you near the kids unless we think this has a future, and it may
take a while to get to that stage. We’re looking for actual partners we can
love and not just someone who meets some parenting checklist.
Even if you
pay, dates cost us, too.
I’m
not talking about some kind of sick quid pro quo situation. I’m talking
babysitters. I once paid $70 to a sitter to go out on a date that cost less
than that for dinner. Stop pushing single parents to get a sitter when they
aren’t available or can’t afford it. If they say no, respect that. There is
little more embarrassing than having to explain to a potential date that our
budget may extend to supporting ourselves and our kids but might not cover the
cost of a sitter for a night out. Be considerate, and understand that sometimes
dates might get derailed by family emergencies.
No glove,
no love.
Louder
for the people in the back! Safety is always important, but it’s even more so
for a single parent who is already shouldering enormous responsibility. If you
don’t have contraceptives on hand, don’t expect to have sex. STIs and unplanned
pregnancies impact our lives in ways you can’t even imagine, and being careless
about sex shows that you’re immature and irresponsible.
We’re not
looking to raise another kid.
I’m
not talking about potential step-children either. If you are not living on your
own and supporting yourself, it’s a red flag. If you’re not holding a job and
paying your own bills, it’s a red flag. If you’re up to your eye balls in debt
that’s not for an education, it’s a red flag. We already have kids to take care
of, and we don’t want a partner who we’re going to have to teach to balance a
checkbook, create a budget, or wash a load of laundry. We’re looking for adults
who are capable of supporting themselves and don’t expect someone else to do it
for them.
Get over your
hang-ups about co-parenting.
Hey,
I don’t want to see my ex either, but when you’re a good parent, you actually
try really hard to do what’s best for the kids. This means co-parenting with
someone you broke up with or divorced. It’s not fun for us either, but if
you’re going to be with a single parenting, expect there to be some interaction
from the ex.
Our kids come
first, but we don’t come last.
This
one is big for me. My kids will always come first in the decisions that I make
as far as their health and well-being and overall happiness. But I’m not last
either. I had an ex say that he and my kids should come before me. I think I
was somewhat lower on the list than housecleaning and making dinner. But that’s
not how this works. I don’t come last.
If
I’m in a relationship, I’m not going to put my wants, needs, and general
self-care last because I have a partner, and I wouldn’t be with a partner who
expected me to do so. I matter, too, and it’s unrealistic to expect a single
parent to put you before their kids OR themselves. Single parents need all the
self-care they can get to do this job.
We have so
much less time to waste.
We’re
incredibly busy, and we’re not going to waste a lot of time. If you seem to be
jerking us around, we’re going to put on the brakes. If you lie to us, don’t
expect us to keep you around. If you wave a red flag in the air in front of us,
we’re not going to excuse it as a little quirk. We’ve got busy lives and
children to raise up to be healthy, happy adults, and we don’t have the time
for our time to be wasted.
If
you know you couldn’t treat another person’s kids like your own, don’t
date a single parent. If you’re going to get twisted about an ex
coming around for co-parenting purposes, don’t date a single parent. If you
can’t be considerate, respectful, and honest, don’t date a single parent. It’s
easy. We want connection and to fall in love, like anyone else, but we are not
here for any of your bullshit if you just want to play games. We’ll play Chutes
and Ladders with our kids, but we’re not going to play dating games with you. Be real, or go home.
There
are so many challenges for single moms to date at all. My primary sitter will
almost never babysit in order for me to date, and I can’t always afford the
prices of sitters in my area. I often have to work around their visitations
with their dad or even their school schedule. It’s not easy. We already have
enough stress and responsibility without dating adding more.
There’s
this horrible misconception out there about single moms. I hope this little
no-f*cks-given tutorial has clarified a few of these areas that might have been
confusing before. We want to date, but we’re not here for anyone’s bullshit.
We’re not easy or desperate, and we’re not shopping for daddies. If you don’t have
a glove, you don’t get the love, and just generally be considerate of our time.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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