Great Love

 

Carrie and Charlotte

In one episode of Sex and the City, Charlotte said to her three best friends, "In this life, people have two great loves." Charlotte said this with full optimism she would find her second 'great' love, after being separated with Trey, her first husband. However, this claim upset Carrie.

 

"Who said only two? I have had Big and Aidan. It means … I am done! No more 'great' love for me."

 

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Carrie and Big in SATC the movie 2

 

For those who love watching Sex and the City, they know that although Carrie and Big's relationship had been on and off several times, finally they got married, in Sex and the City movie 2. Despite the fact that Candace Bushnell's mother was 'team of Big' instead of 'team of Aidan', the story described some awkward characters between Carrie and Aidan. Carrie belonged to the happy-go-lucky girl while Aidan was the homebody type. Nevertheless, Aidan loved Carrie so much that he never objected to Carrie's going to parties or night clubs with her three friends, while Aidan waited for Carrie at home.

 

Since season 1, Carrie was described to be obsessed by Big, she really wanted to be a part of Big's life, including she wanted to be introduced to Big's mother. When meeting Aidan, followed by having relationship with him, audience still could clearly see that Carrie still could not let go Big from her heart. Carrie also refused when Aidan wanted to introduce her to his parents, one thing she really wanted to do with Big.

 

Carrie and Aidan in AJLT

 

Carrie and Aidan's relationship ended the first time when Carrie told Aidan she cheated on him by having an affair with Big -- who was legally married with Natasha at that time. Their relationship ended for the second time when Carrie kept refusing Aidan's proposal to be married with him. While in fact audience knew how Carrie really wanted to marry Big. I presume that both Carrie and Aidan had the same intention: Aidan wanted to marry Carrie because he thought that Carrie wouldn't cheat on him anymore. Carrie also wanted to secure her relationship with Big with the same reason: Big would not dump her 'just like that'.

 

============

 

In AND JUST LIKE THAT -- the spin-off of Sex and the City -- the character of Big was killed in episode 1 season 1 -- in order that Carrie would continue her 'journey' to look for a soul mate.

 

Aidan eventually appeared in episode 9 season 2 of AJLT. It is easy to guess that Carrie and Aidan will continue their relationship. In the past, Big was always the 'obstacle' for Aidan to win Carrie's heart. Carrie could not really love Aidan because Big was between them.

 

Now that Big was gone, will these two really be united? Or will Carrie still have doubt?

 

In the 'real' life, people will change year after year. Perhaps these two people still have special feeling for each other, but do they still have the same personality? Do they still laugh at the same things? Do they still have the same sense of humor? Do they still view things from the same point? Or if on the contrary, will they be able to accept their differences?

 

If not, and they break up (again), will it make Aidan lose hope of his 'great love'?

 

NOTE:

In season 5 of SATC, Carrie bumped into Aidan on one road, Aidan was already married and had a kid, Carrie was single. Their accidental meeting didn't make them reignite their love story though.

 

In SATC the movie 2, the two bumped into each other again in Dubai, they had a date for chitchat, and they kissed. The kiss made Carrie feel guilty so she need to ask for apology to Big. In the movie. Carrie was married with Big, Aidan was married too.

 

PT56 15.33 14.08.2023

 

P. S.:

Do you believe in great love? How big are the chances for people to find great love in their life?

 

 

Soul mates

 

Charlotte: "I have been dating since I was fifteen, and now I am thirty five, I haven't got one yet, and I am exhausted, where is he?"

 

Charlotte was one character in Sex and the City who really believes that there is someone out there to complete everybody. Miranda was on the contrary, she was depicted as someone cynical but logical (people said so). Samantha was the one who usually said, "I love you, but I love me more," to some guys she dated. 

 

On social media, I had a friend who once wrote that she desperately kept looking for one soul mate too when she was 'young' (read => under 40 years old). Until she was exhausted and she decided to stop looking for one. She started to focus on herself and her only child. (She was once married and then got divorced.)

 

She perceived that after she focused to develop herself, she became nicer, kinder, better. and ... boom! she even found one! I am not sure how old she was when finding her life partner, but perhaps around fifty years old. She got one when she already gave in!

 

 

Therefore, whenever someone asked for her advice how to get a soul mate, she advised him/her to focus on himself/herself first, to improve his/her quality. If, after doing this, he/she becomes happy with himself/herself, perhaps he/she is no longer in need of a life partner.

 

Some time ago, I thought I already arrived at the phase where I stopped looking for one. Until someone came into my life, and just like that I felt he was my other half. But, is it possible that our other half is committed to someone else? Or perhaps it was just my hallucination, that I have found my other half? 😑

 

PT56 21.05 04.06.2023

 

P R I S O N

 

I got the following poem from a blog friend from England. He told me that he got the idea from reading some posts of mine in my blog. (Thanks for the lovely poem, Pete:) )

 

a woman's prison is in the mind

a man's prison he will find

that pale yellow wallpaper around the room

helps the thoughts and helps to groom

 

each person has the truth inside

all it needs to open wide

truth and honesty with careful thought

deceit and hate we need to halt

 

look outside at the sun and rain

we need them both like wheat and grain

food for thought we have within

let it out to stop decayin'

 

women and men must live together

or end up as cold as a glacier

so don't think of life as a strangled cry

think of life as a small mayfly

 

flying free up in the air

looking at life so happy and faire

explosions of color up high and below

red, blue, and green and even YELLOW.

 

It is a lovely poem, do you agree? My favorite stanza is the second stanza where he wrote that "each person has the truth inside". It means what both men and women say are equally meaningful. Also the fourth stanza where he said "women and men must live together". Women and men indeed complete each other. That's what God created men and women for. This I also agree.

 

My question is even in the first two lines of the first stanza, "a woman's prison is in the mind ... a man's prison he will find ..." why not equal? What made him say that a woman's prison is in the mind? While men's prison doesn't exist yet, that's why he will find it (later).

 

As a feminist, I will say that why women's mind is the prison is caused by what men have indoctrinated women for ages that women are submissive. A woman will keep questioning, on her mind, why this male-dominated world is so cruel, why men always want to be dominant.

 

Men are of course not imprisoned by anybody, in any culture in this world. They will "imprison" themselves if they are willing to do so. If not? Of course not at all.

 

Talking about men's tendency to be polygamous, this is what one of my workmate complained to me some time ago, I told her that I don't believe in such a thing--that men have tendency to be polygamous so that we women must understand that. Men who say so are just irresponsible men and easily find a scapegoat for their being irresponsible by blaming/saying an excuse that "men are created to be polygamous." They are not willing to admit that they are just bullshit. A male workmate of mine who was there also when my female friend talked to me, he said, "It's all back to our own commitment in our own life, especially in our commitment when getting married. I think it is just natural for all of us--men and women--to be attracted to other people who are not our spouse. But, yeah ... only attraction for temporary, then come back to our own commitment with our spouse.

 

"It is obviously seen that this male workmate of mine is willing to imprison himself. Talking about marriage, well, I am not a marriage hater, just like what some people suspect me. When discussing marriage with my students, I just want to give them a clear description of what a marriage is, the position of man and woman in marriage, with many reasons that make people to decide to marry someone, where the reasons can be different from one person to another. Talking about prison ... who is willing to be imprisoned by someone else? :D

 

Semarang, April 25, 2006

 

P.S.: I copied the following writing from an old blog of mine, that doesn't exist anymore. I wrote it in 2006, it means this was based on my opinion 16 years ago. 😛 As the natural law says, I have changed too, although I still claim myself as a feminist. 😊

 

DATING YOUR HOMETOWN?

 

In an episode titled "Anchors Away", Carrie Bradshaw mentioned that New York City is a very good 'date' for single people. There are lots of theaters, parks, museums, night clubs, movies, not to mention restaurants. And if you are lucky, perhaps you will find a great love when you are dating your hometown. :D

 

Well, perhaps because Carrie is not an introvert person; she does not belong to a homebody type either.

 

 

 

As an introvert person, I cannot imagine I am dating Semarang, my hometown, lol. Semarang, the capital city of Central Java, is not a big city; though it is not a small one either. Even though Semarang does not have many 'amusement places' as Carrie mentioned (museums, theaters, parks, etc) I sometimes spend time to visit such places we have here, e.g. museums, but I don't do it alone. I do it with Angie, my daughter, or with Ranz, my biking mate. Once in a blue moon I watch plays in Taman Budaya Raden Saleh (before pandemic) because my (biking) friend played as one actor. :D watching movies is not my cup of tea to spend spare time. I'd rather watch movies in my laptop at home although it is perhaps not as entertaining as when we watch movies in the cinema.

 

I sometimes go to cafes, sometimes alone, sometimes with Angie when we want to eat out; or with Ranz when she is in town.

 

Despite the fact that when I was a teenager, I didn't really enjoy staying at home during weekend or holiday, (I used to like visiting friend's homes or hanging out with them somewhere) recently I stay home most of the time. As a part time teacher, I go to my workplace only when teaching. I do the preparation at home. After finishing doing my household chores, I will sit in front of my laptop, behind my bedroom's window (acting like Carrie does at SATC, lol) and start doing anything what I wanna do.

 

Before pandemic, I used to sometimes go to mall alone, just to get rid of boredom from my routines. After pandemic? I sometimes go to supermarket/department store nearby my house to go (real) shopping, not just for sightseeing. Pandemic indeed changes our lifestyle, do you agree?

 

Nevertheless, I think Carrie's idea is not a bad one.  Perhaps I need to go out more often, alone. I need to date my hometown, lol.

 

PT56 10.31 15.11.2022

 

FLIRT OR ABUSE?

 An old writing of mine, I copied it from my facebook note.

Just found it inside my mailbox. I wrote it four years ago. Well, I am not sure if I have posted it in one blog of mine (I sent it to a good friend of mine.) Now, I want to share it with my blog visitors.

 

FLIRT OR ABUSE? FLATTERED OR HARASSED?

 

When women become a criminal only coz of wearing “open” clothes—under accusation to turn on men’s desire when looking at their sexy body, why is there no law saying that men are allegedly guilty for abusing women by staring at women, or whistling at them or saying something abusive to women who don’t wear “open” clothes?

 

I was brought up in a very religious family, sent to an Islamic elementary school, indoctrinated that women’s body is the source of sin, that women can become the cause of the fall of men to hell due to women’s sinful sexy body. (Similar to the fall of Adam to this mortal world coz Eva gave in to Satan’s trick to eat “khuldi” (this is how Al-Quran named it)—the forbidden fruit in heaven.) Because of that, women are supposed to cover their source-of-sin body in order that men will not get aroused.

 

After I grew up (I always consider myself as a rebel), I started to wonder why all mistakes are put on women’s shoulder? Why is there no punishment for men who cannot control their lust?

 

Since knowing feminism, and got answers of my lots of questions (due to the gender bias in Islam) when I was a kid or teenager, I came to the conclusion that if women can control their lust (women are just human beings, like men, they have lust too!) when seeing naked men’s body, men are supposed to be able to control their lust too and not abuse any woman they want. I completely agree with Fatima Mernissi, a Muslim feminist Morocco saying, “If the rights of Muslim women become problems for a group of Muslim men, this is not engendered by Al-Quran or Islam itself, but this is caused by the different interpretation resulting in contradictory interpretation opposing the want of a group of elite Muslim men.”

 

sample of sexual harassment at workplace

 

Btw, some months ago, I had a middle-aged private student who was outstandingly pretty. We often took a walk for sightseeing or had lunch in a downtown mall. Contradictory from me that mostly wear my “uniform” (long black dress and black blazer—I am not an Amish nor Quaker though LOL) this student of mine loved wearing “sexy” clothes. The first time we went to have lunch, I felt very disturbed and annoyed by men who stared at her greedily. It sometimes made me want to throw my thick-heeled shoes to those men’s eyes! Later on, I realized, that not only her “sexy” clothes attracted those men with greedy eyes, she in fact also showed “inviting” body language to those guys. No wonder she didn’t feel abused. She herself invited those guys to abuse her.

 

As a feminist that believes women can do anything they like, as long as they enjoy it and not harm other people, I think it is okay for her to do that. However, as someone with very religious upbringing when I was a kid, I still sometimes didn’t understand why the hell that private student of mine attracted men’s attention demonstratively despite her outstanding beauty. Her beauty only was already enough to attract people’s attention. So, when she wore sexy clothes and showed inviting body language, it was just very understandable if then those guys with greedy eyes “abused” her. (Oh well, she herself didn’t feel abused. She felt flattered. LOL)

 

On the contrary from this flirt, LOL, I never show any inviting body language, I never wear any open clothes to attract men’s attention. I never feel ready to get abuse. Does it mean, then, I never get abused? Unfortunately, the answer was SOME GUYS WITH GREEDY EYES STILL ABUSE ME, by staring at me indecently, whistling at me, smiling at me abusively, etc.

 

The conclusion? SOME MEN ARE INDEED BIG SHIT.

 

Recently, in Indonesia there has still been a very “poignant” debate about pornography bill where it states that women are not allowed to wear body-hugging, tight and “open” clothes because it will cause men to get aroused. A woman will be punished if she unintentionally/intentionally turns on men in public, by wearing “sexy” dress, for example. Why is there no statement that men will be put into jail when they cannot repress their lust in public?

 

I prove it myself that although I mostly wear clothes covering all over my body (except my head), it still doesn’t stop men to try to abuse me. Who can guarantee that issuing such a bill will stop sexual abuse? Something wrong is not in what women wear, or how women walk and move, not in women’s voice, but in men’s mind! 

 

Nana Podungge

Semarang March 16, 2006

 

P.S.:

Or this is just myself who still cannot get rid of idea that men harass me when they stare at me 'unclearly' why. I myself need 'medication' to get rid of idea that I -- belong to the creature with breasts and vagina -- am the victimized and not on the way around despite the fact I have been 'indoctrinating' myself to be a feminist. As many 'wise' people say "We are what we think."

 

Ugh ... :'(

SHOULD WE BE IN A RELATIONSHIP?

 

Samantha and Smith

In (the so called) Western culture, where people can have sex with anybody they want -- as long as both parties agree -- and they do not need to bother thinking about 'being sinful to have sex outside wedlock', why should they get married? Or why should they still want to be in a 'relationship'?

 

(background of this thinking was: most of my 'respondents' (read => my students) answer when asked, "why people get married" was to be able to have sex 'unsinfully' and legally.)

 

I sometimes think this way. In my favorite serials SEX AND THE CITY, the three main characters (Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte) were shown to be okay to be in a relationship, only Samantha refused to be 'tied' in such a relationship. In one episode entitled "Plus One is the Loneliest Number", Carrie illustrated that New Yorkers will feel that their life is complete if (1) they have steady job (2) they have a place to live (3) a plus one. A plus one here is not always necessarily related to a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, but this one can also refer to a child.

 

Charlotte and Harry

 

 

Charlotte -- the most conventional girl among the four girls -- always thinks that having a plus one is important; this will make her feel loved and not alone to live her life; this will make her feel not miserable. Due to her love to Harry, she even converts to Jew in order to marry him. Miranda and Carrie undergo a long way to look for someone the most compatible with them; until Miranda realizes that Steve -- the father of her baby Brady -- is the one. Carrie -- the first main character -- finally ends up with Mr. Big a.k.a John Preston, the guy she falls in love with at the first sight in the first episode of season one, after a long up and down journey of their love.

 

Miranda and Steve

 

 

Why do they need to be in a steady relationship? And not enough just having random sex partners? First, perhaps to feel secure in one relationship, that there is someone beside them, that will do anything to make their life feel easier and better. Second, of course a safer sex, because they have steady partner for that.

 

Charlotte is the first of the 3 girls (Samantha is not included) who gets married. It is apparently due to the fact that she belongs the conventional type. Getting married is Charlotte's teenage dream. Miranda finally marries Steve after several breakups and realizes that Steve is the best partner for her, moreover Steve is the father of her baby.

 

Carrie refuses Aidan's proposal in season 4 because she is not sure whether she really loves him. She seemingly cannot let go Mr. Big's presence from her heart. Carrie and Mr. Big get married in Sex and the City movie 2. Why finally get married? And not just enough be in a relationship? Perhaps New Yorkers still worship marriage. Haha …

 

Carrie and Mr. Big

 

Samantha is the unique character because she seems to be highly confident with herself. Of course during 6 seasons of SATC, Samantha has several steady relationships. The first boyfriend is James, with whom Samantha patiently waits until their fifth date before making love. Unfortunately, James has a small dick that Samantha cannot accept. The second one is Mr. Cocky. On the contrary from James, Mr. Cocky is told to have too big dick Samantha cannot handle. The third is Chivon Williams. Their relationship doesn't last long because Adeena, Williams' sister doesn’t like to see her brother date a white woman. The fourth is Maria, the first time Samantha is told to have a lesbian partner. Their relationship doesn't last long because Maria is easily jealous of other men who want to date Samantha; and Samantha herself is not ready for a steady relationship with someone, moreover this someone is a woman. The fifth is Richard, the playboy. Samantha cannot accept the fact that many women like to date him, the rich tycoon. And the last one, Smith Jarrod, the sexiest and most loving boyfriend despite their quite big age gap.

 

Unfortunately, although Jarrod patiently and devotedly stays with Samantha while she is battling her breast cancer, and their sexual drive is compatible to each other, Samantha eventually says goodbye to her. This is perhaps either she belongs to the type who cannot stay with one steady partner; or Smith is too young for her.

 

--------------

 

How about in Indonesia?

 

Some time ago, I had a casual talk with a loved one. He told me about his (ex) workmate who refuses to get married although "he loves having sex". I asked him whether his friend refuses to get married because he doesn't want to be responsible with any 'burden' in a marriage. He said, "perhaps." when I asked him whether his workmate had sex with any random partner, he said no. perhaps he has a steady relationship with someone, only he doesn't want to marry her? Or is it their commitment together that they are just be in a domestic relationship without getting married? Unfortunately I don't get the answer yet. Because I am of opinion that even though the relationship is 'only' domestic, both of them must face the 'burden' together.

 

Meanwhile, another good friend of mine told me that his girlfriend doesn't want to get married. She only wants to be in a domestic relationship without legally getting married. My question is: is it already openly acceptable in Indonesia? Moreover in small cities? (not in metropolitan such as Jakarta.)

 

I also interviewed another friend whether he doesn't want to get married. He has a girlfriend. And he said, it is up to her whether they will lead the relationship into marriage. He also said that perhaps if he and his girlfriend live abroad, they will not think marriage knot is important, because he believes that domestic relationship is okay there. So, if until now he is not married yet, it is not because he avoids the 'burden' in a marriage. He let his girlfriend decide.

 

Another interesting story from a friend is that her college mate -- a transsexual woman -- is married (or perhaps 'only' in domestic relationship?) with a woman and live together 'normally' (I mean just like a common man-woman relationship) in one district in DIY. The neighbors know that one of the women is a transsexual one. And they accept this pair. Isn't it lovely?

 

To conclude, indeed, to be in a relationship or not depends on us. We are the ones who will be responsible with the consequences.

 

PT56 13.48 2 September 2022

 

Nothing in Common?

"How could two people who don't have anything in common be in relationship?"

 

Carrie Bradshaw asked herself this, related to her relationship with Aleksandr Petrovsky, a very famous Russian artist in season 6. His fame was world-wide, his colleagues were from anywhere. And apparently, Petrovsky's elit colleagues had judged Carrie's column as something far from art. Carrie's column on 'sex and the city' was apparently just a garbage for them. 

 

 

Meanwhile, it is true that Carrie knew nothing about Petrovsky's famous arty work. Even when the first time Carrie accompanied Charlotte to attend Petrovsky's art exhibit, it was not because Carrie was interested in art; instead, she went there for Charlotte, her best friend who worked for an art gallery. Petrovsky's interest in Carrie made him date her and then they became lovers.

 

Petrovsky was interested in Carrie's column and her witty as well as smart character which can easily be seen in her articles. Nevertheless, knowing that Carrie was not arty, he never involved Carrie in his work. When he was very busy to prepare his exhibit in Paris, he didn't let Carrie come in his workshop. Therefore, when he got stuck in his work, he got emotional and Carrie could not help him anything, but lending her ears.

 

 

*********

 

Around 15 years ago, when I was very close to a best friend I called 'Abang', he asked me whether I wanted to know (and learned) anything about his job, or the way he viewed things that were probably different from my way. He asked me this since he had tried his best to view things from my point of view. (FYI, he read lots of my writing in my blogs back then.) Selfishly, I said no. lol.

 

Recently, I have started thinking something similar with this. My (biking) soul mate is an IT graduate; she is responsible any work related to this in her workplace. Besides, she has a knack in photography. Knowing this, I rely anything related to IT and photography on her, for sure. Lol. I don't wanna know more things about these two things by myself. Let her do whatever she has to do, no need to involve me, lol. This made me think, although we both are compatible (we communicate well in most topics) I sometimes do not know some things she handles every day. Ah, in this case, I still stay the same, selfish of me.

 

Srambang, Ngawi, December 2019

 

In addition, does she understand things I must handle every day?  Are we two also like Carrie and Petrovsky? We have nothing in common? We have different taste of music, food, movies, and many other things. (but one thing though: biking, although recently, she seems no longer interested in it as much as years ago.) 

PT56 10.57 24 August 2022

 

 P,S.:

In fact, I have written something similar with this topic, lol, you can view it here