Frienemy with Mom

My relationship with my Mom was not as smooth as my relationship with my daughter, Angie. I believe I am not the only person who experienced this. For instance, take a look at Gilmore Girls serials. Lorelai's relationship with Emily, her mom was not as good as her relationship with Rory, her daughter.

 

the pic was taken from here

Around a year ago, I wrote one article I entitled "parent-child relationship". In it, I illustrated that good relationship between parents and children was caused by a big age gap between parents and children. One comment was written by a friend of mine, "I have frienemy relationship with my mom. This was caused by the time when I was born, my dad passed away." Another comment from another friend, "I have an awkward relationship with my mom; we love each other but we were not close to each other. This is totally different from my relationship with my daughter. Perhaps I am more 'friendly' than 'motherly' to my only daughter. Perhaps what you said was right: bigger age gap between my mom and me made our relationship awkward."

the pic was taken from here

 

Well, in fact my age gap with my mom is shorter than my age gap with Angie. My mom was 23 years old when I was born; I was 24 years old when Angie was born. However, learning from my experience as a child, I treated Angie differently from the way my mom raised me. Well, I could do this perhaps because I have only one child. Although I was busy as a breadwinner outside home (my mom was a housewife), I have more intimate relationship with Angie.

 

Nevertheless, I have never come to the term 'frienemy' to describe my relationship with my mom. Although both of us were born in August -- under the same zodiac, Leo -- our upbringing and education were different.

 

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On facebook, I have one cyber friend who often writes about her bad relationship with her mom. In the past, she disliked her mom. However after learning meditation, where loving oneself, healing oneself and forgiving others are included, she seemed to view her relationship with her mother from different point. Of course she could not 'change' her mom's attitude or behavior; it is easier to change her own way of thinking in understanding her mother. Realizing that she was quite successful in it, she spread this to her facebook friends.

 

 

In my 'feminist' blog, I used to write about my spiritual view which was difficult to understand by my mom. Some comments told me to try explaining my spiritual awakening to my mom -- in order that she would understand me better -- but I chose to be quiet when my mom sort of investigated me about this. Some questions like, "Are you not Moslem anymore?" or "So, what is your religion now?" or "Why don't you do rituals (pray five times a day) anymore, while when you were little you even did them diligently?" or "Do you want to go to hell?" etc.

 

I chose to keep quiet because I thought she would never understand my 'awakening'. Besides, I didn't have any courage to do it. I was a coward. 😓

 

However, after my mom passed away, I believe she still loved me no matter what I have become. She never pushed me to go out of the house, although in fact Angie and I were ready to leave the house. She never refused me when I was by her side to accompany her during her last few months living.

 

I love you Mom. Rest in peace.

 

PT56 18.08 07-July-2020

Religion versus spirituality

Religion is belief in someone else’s experience. 

Spirituality is having your own experience.

~ Deepak Chopra ~

My (religion) teachers when I was in primary school said that it was in the hands of parents to make their children Jewish, Christian, or Muslim. Since the majority of Muslim people believe that Islam is the only right religion – the others were no longer ‘valid’ or even wrong – Muslim parents have a very big responsibility to ‘MAKE’ their children Muslim. There are at least two reasons behind it:

First, one hadith said that Muslim people who have died will still get ‘blessings’ (pahala) if their religious (shalih/shaliha) children continue praying for their deceased parents. Muslim people believe the more blessings from God, the bigger number of ‘savings’ to enter God’s heaven. They have been taught – or my ‘favorite’ term ‘brainwashed’ – that heaven is their ultimate destination because all comfort is there while hell is the place they must avoid because never-ending torture will ‘accompany’ their ‘hereafter life’ forever. (Muslims believe that after someone dies, he/she will wait for the doomsday and the day of “Judgment” in one ‘dimension’ of life called ‘Barzakh’ – one domain between death the resurrection day. During their staying in ‘Barzakh’ someone still can get blessings sent by their religious Muslim children prays.

Second,it is stated that on ‘Judgment’ day, all human beings will be judged directly by God one by one. Muslims believe that there is possibility for one person to fail to enter heaven only because his/her children convert to another religion during their life on the earth and their parents do not prevent them from doing so. 

From the two reasons mentioned above, one can conclude that they refer to parents’ ego and desire to enter heaven; parents who never think that their children possibly have their own experience in adhering religion / handling their spiritual journey; parents who fail to have a two-direction communication with their children.

As a case study, I will take a comparison between one best friend of mine and me myself.

She did not get rigid teachings of religion when she was a kid, either from her parents or from school. Her parents did not teach her what to do to communicate with God although they were Islam. She learned Islam by herself, either from reading books, or from asking her friends, or joining any religious gatherings (called ‘pengajian’ in Bahasa Indonesia) until one day she decided to wear ‘hijab’. It was all her own ‘findings’ from her effort to find a way to communicate with God. Perhaps I could draw a conclusion that Islam is her religion, but based on her own experience, so it is also her spirituality.

I was on the somewhat contradictory life experience. I got a very rigid teachings both from my parents and my teachers in primary school (I went to one conventional Islamic school). The teachings were ‘choked’ into my brain while I was brainwashed that Islam was the only right religion and it would be safeguarded by God until the Judgment day so that the teachings would always be eternally applicable in all ages. 

The disappointment I got from religion (check this link  and this link) made me have my own spirituality. I no longer embrace the same religion taught to me when I was a kid and I adhered till my 30 years of age. 

However, you can guess that there are some people very close around me who do not let me have my own spirituality; they still expect me to go back to “religion” (read è someone else’s experience, be it my parents or teachers or religious leaders (ulema)) despite my mature age.

Sigh ... 

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Social media influence on my spiritual journey

Many people who claim to be busy say that joining social medias is just a waste of time. Some reasons are mentioned. First, people who are active in social medias tend to hide their true identity so we cannot really get true friends. Second, people who are social media addicts tend to be lousy in doing their jobs since their concentration is divided into two: their ‘real’ world and ‘cyber’ world. They also tend to gossip unimportant things online.

However, to me, joining two social medias – facebook (FB) and multiply (MP) gave me a very valuable lesson, especially related in spirituality/religiosity.

Since I was born in the so-called xenophobic family and raised in an almost homogenous environment, I often feel amazed by people who ‘seem’ to be religious (let’s say wearing jilbab) but they do not ‘suffer from’ xenophobia*. In my naive thinking, one can become only religious but xenophobic or irreligious so free from xenophobia.

Having an account on FB and ‘making online friends’ with those who label themselves as ‘spiritual** people’ have taught me a very good lesson. I – coming from ‘a boat full of religious but xenophobic people – once thought that spiritual people are better people since they are not xenophobic. But reading their posts taught me that they can be as annoying as religious and xenophobic people. They can also easily judge believers dumb, narrow-minded. In fact they can be snobbishly spiritual creatures. Spiritual people can be fundamentalist too.

As someone considering others mature, know their choices and be responsible with the consequences, I would rather think that people are free to choose their  spirituality/religiosity. People can choose to be a religious adherent of one religion or to be a deist or to be a non-believer. The most important thing is no one will force what they believe to others and respect others’ choices.

Participating in an essay writing on xenophobia on MP and reading essays submitted to the juries gave me an answer why some religious people can be free from xenophobia; a very simple reason, in fact. They were born and raised in a heterogeneous environment. They started socializing with people from different religions since they were kid and their parents as well as their (early) teachers never brainwashed them about ‘the chosen people’ (are only Muslim, let’s say, or any other Abrahamic faith adherents). They started seeing the beauty of rainbows in their different colors since they were very young. Therefore, they beautifully see others with their respective faiths without any judgment.

Very contradictory from me who was born in a homogenous environment. The fear that perhaps I would be an infidel – oh no, the fear that they would be thrown to hell if their kids convert – my parents brainwashed me about being the chosen people since I was a kid and sent me to an Islamic elementary school that completed my parents’ teaching on being religious. Of course I also learned about tolerance, but this was really artificial.

To close this writing, I can conclude that joining any social media does not only waste time. As long as we choose to socialize with appropriate online friends, we can get valuable lessons to live our lives.

*xenophobia here means feeling to be the only true believers and considering the others wrong since they adhere other religions, moreover non-believers. In other words it can be said that xenophobic people will easily judge others deviant or infidel.

** spiritual here means thinking that it is not important to affiliate to any religion; be it a deist or embracing ‘traditional’ beliefs, in Java island, for example: Kaharingan, Kepercayaan pada Tuhan YME, etc.

P.S.:

This was written to accompany my writings to be submitted to Wayan Lessy, the one who held the essay writing competition on ‘xenophobia’.

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P.S.:

This is, in fact, the continuation of my posts here and there; both are in Bahasa Indonesia. I am still struggling to find time (as well as mood) to translate them into English. Please pardon me. :)

A spiritual teacher

I must say that my recent spiritual journey was not only very excitingly fulfilling but tiring as well. I recognized the beginning of my spiritual journey happened in 2003, the same moment when I got to know feminism ideology. I started to label myself ‘secular’ perhaps two years afterwards. For several years, it was going on very slowly but surely I suppose.

As I wrote in my post “My Spiritual Journey”, I underwent this journey all alone; I mixed everything I have read with my experience in life. I did not involve anybody around me at that time, except very few good friends to whom I talked about this matter. And they were just my good listeners and observers (of my behavior). :) But they did not take any important role.

Several days ago I found a status on FB about the quality of someone to be a ‘spiritual guru’ in someone’s spiritual journey.

“He/she is a ‘mursyid’ if anything he/she says gives you awakening, and that will make you a better human being. If not, just leave him/her because it means that he/she is just a fake ‘mursyid’” This was the status.

I commented that I didn’t have any but myself. “Too confident and narcissistic?” I questioned.
“No. It is ok. However, to avoid straying off to a very mistaken ‘interpretation’, someone had better be led by a spiritual guru. Make sure that he/she is the right guru. After that, follow him/her saying because a guru is a saint.”

I am really sorry to say that to me this sounded very ridiculous and stupid. I don’t need a guru!!! (Aha, what AE said about myself was correct: I am a spiritual snob. LOL.)

As I wrote in the beginning of this post, my recent spiritual journey has been very fulfilling and tiring. This was due to my encountering with many new online buddies on FB and many of them label themselves as ‘spiritualist’. Reading their statuses as well as their notes has made my facebooking activity enthralling; but at the same time they also absorbed my energy!!! Unconsciously, I have forced my spiritual journey run very fast (while for some years it went on slowly).

After for many years I just naively knew religious snobs from my ‘own folks’ (Islam), those online buddies opened my eyes that religious snobs come from any religion/faith. My research on ‘fundamentalist secularism’ some weeks ago made me aware that secularists can be extremist. There is a sucking opinion too when someone said in Indonesia, imported religions/faiths are not supposed to survive. (Abrahamic Faiths were ‘imported’ from Middle East countries, Buddha and Hindu were also imported, and so was Confucianism.) And everyone sounds annoyingly compelling. Why don’t they just adhere peace by respecting other people’s faiths? So that other people will respect theirs too? “lakum dinukum waliyadin” => your faith is your own business, my faith is mine.
And I am exhausted.
PT56 20.50 130310

My Spiritual Journey

 

Several months ago, out of the blue I got an offline message at YM, “Women and men are equal Na?” His user ID was not familiar to me. I bet he read one of my blogs scattered in some places (so narcist am I that I have some blogs scattered everywhere. LOL.) I was curious where he read my writings so that he knew that I opine that women are equal to men? Besides that, his name reminded me of one senior student when I was pursuing my study at American Studies Graduate Program at Gadjah Mada University. I was wondering if he was that person (what a small world, eh? LOL.)

My curiosity made me accept his invitation to let his ID included into my YM friend list. Because of curiosity too when one day I saw his nick highlighted—showing that he was online at YM—I greeted him to know where he read my writings. Ah, in fact, he read my blog at http://360.yahoo.com/fe36smg (FYI, I mostly go online invisible at YM, to hide myself so that I will not be disturbed by many queries. It is not because I feel like I am already a celebrity or something, LOL, I just keep my privacy.)

When chatting with him at that time, I was writing a comment of one message at one mailing list I joined. (I always let other things distract my concentration when doing something. Very bad of me, I know. ) I don’t remember what exactly I wrote, but I remember it was about the existence of God. Does God really exist? Many scientists (mostly anthropologists I assume) are of opinion that some brilliant people “invented” religions to manage the lives of their fellow creatures in this earth.

My own spiritual journey in my life is like this.

I was born in a very strict religious Muslim family. Both of my parents taught all the children (four of us, one son—my oldest sibling—and three daughters, I am number two) Islamic teachings quite rigidly at home. Besides, three of us—my big brother, my younger sister and me myself—were sent to Islamic elementary school where we got more knowledge on Islamic teachings such as Tauhid, Fiqih, Alhadits, Reciting Alquran, including writing Arabic, etc.

The indoctrination that Islam is the only true religion and that it is the only gate to enter heaven has been passed to us since we were kid. This means other religions are wrong, fake, and that the adherents of other religions will go to hell, no matter how good, kind-hearted, generous, and nice they are in their life in this world. Moreover atheists. The non-believers absolutely will go to hell.

I didn’t really consider it as a problem anyway. I believed in it very strongly, an sich. The big question having been haunting me was why women were treated discriminatively. Still, because I took it for granted from God (that women were created number two after men, because Hawa was created after Adam), the question stayed on my mind peacefully but also rebelliously.

Despite my claiming myself as a rebel, this social construction (aha, now I can consider it as the social construction. Before this? It was CREATED by God the Almighty.) was very strong on my mind so that I did not dare to deviate the norm.

This was like that until I FOUND feminism ideology in 2003. I was craving it so much that I greedily collected books to widen my horizon. The first book I read related to this was STUDY ISLAM KONTEMPORER, a book compiles some writings of some lecturers from IAIN SUNAN KALIJAGA Yogya. One article digested Fatima Mernissi and Riffat Hassan’s book—the title is “Women and men are equal in God’s eyes” or something like this—where they offered a new perspective in interpreting one verse in Alquran relating to the creation of Hawa after Adam; the verse used by many patriarchal men (also women) to justify their opinion that women were second after men. However, one book/journal from which I learn a lot to shape myself as a feminist is JURNAL PEREMPUAN.

My readings—mixture of books on my study in American Studies Graduate Program, literature, history, anthropology, women (from both Islamic view written by feminist writers from Indonesia and abroad, and western writers)—and also discussion I had during my study (both with my classmates and my lecturers) combined with what had been stored on my mind plus my experience in my life had made me feel like born again: A NEW SECULAR NANA.

Several days ago, I met that stranger (I mentioned in the very beginning of this article) online again. He still remembered that in our last chat I was writing an article about the existence of God. He asked me to tell him what I wrote. Oh God, I already forgot what I wrote. LOL. (Frankly, sometimes I myself wonder when reading my previous posts, how could I write such things? I already forget. LOL. LOL.)

Shortly I said, “One good friend of mine considered me as a pragmatic person in viewing God’s existence. In time where I think that God exists I do believe in that faith.” LOL.

“So simple, eh?” he commented.

It did sound simple in his ears maybe. But that good friend of mine had heard me “preaching” my way of thinking and my way of life after I resumed my study. I knew in some certain time she would consider me as a non-believer. I still remember in one of our discussion (perhaps she meant to slap me, but she was not really successful to do it. LOL.) She beautifully said, “It is too naïve if people do not want to admit that God does exist. As a simple example, look at our hands. Why do we have five fingers in one hand? These five fingers do not have the same length. They are not stuck to one another rigidly so that there is hollow between one finger and another finger. Imagine if our five fingers are in the same length. Imagine if there is no hollow between one finger and another. There must be an Omnipotent power beyond us making it. And that is God.” Bla bla bla …

That stranger then told me his spiritual journey. Once he questioned the existence of God. He even challenged people around him, “If God exists, give me the proof that God is there (or here? LOL).” That was in the past. Now? He does believe that God exists without any proof or logical reason. “God is too powerful to be reasoned.“ he said. Has he found peaceful tranquility in his life with that conviction? I didn’t ask him.

Apparently, I have been in a different boat from him. We have had reverse experience, although I said that I am somewhat pragmatic in believing God’s existence. As I have discussed with some good friends of mine, all people have two contradictory characters in them, good and evil. Many selfish people let the evil overcome their logic. For these kinds of people religions are important to regulate their life so that they will not destroy the world and their fellow creatures (because they are scared to be put in hell in their after-life later. Those selfish people need to be threatened to behave well in their life, because they do not want to open up their logic.)

Therefore I am always sad to hear people from one religion talk bad things about other religions because they think that their religion is the only good one. I am also very unhappy to know that people try to force other people to convert their religion to the religion they believe as true. Why don’t we just live in peace, respect one another? Build our country together? Maintain the Mother Earth wisely for the next generation?

PT56 23.50 270407