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Thursday, March 27, 2008

Why getting married?

A workmate of mine, whose stories oftentimes inspired me to write for my blog, told me an experience of her cousin some days ago. Her cousin, a woman, lives in a small town in Central Java while her husband lives in the metropolis Jakarta. Before they got married, they knew very little about each other. Because of respective jobs, they decided to undergo a long distance marriage. However, not long after their wedding day (three months or so), the husband started to stay away. He didn’t visit his wife regularly anymore.

Several months passed until the wife’s family found out that in Jakarta the husband had a boyfriend.
“If he already realizes that he is a homosexual, why did he marry my cousin?” my workmate asked me.

“Well, you know in our ‘culture’, most people still think that homosexual is a kind of disease. They believe that this kind of ‘disease’ maybe can be cured after getting married, to force the homosexual to ‘go back to the destiny’ that men—read it as human beings born with penis—were created to get attracted and marry women—read it as human beings born with vagina and breasts. As you read in some articles openly written by some homosexual people, many of them found out that they fail to ‘be cured’ after marrying a woman. This made them realize that marrying a woman is not the best cure, or perhaps this made them change their mind that homosexual is not a kind of disease. However, their voice is silenced by the very strong and oppressive opinion by the public that get powerful so-called justification from religious people.”

“What do you think of some people who say that they are really ‘cured’ after getting married?” my workmate inquired.

“I am sorry to say that I am not one of them so I don’t know how to answer that question of yours. In fact, I have never had a heart-to-heart talk with such people you mentioned.” Was my response. LOL. “There are many things to consider; one of them is whether they were truly born homosexual—such as Dede Oetomo (the writer of MEMBERI SUARA PADA YANG BISU—“Give voice to the dumb”) , or they ‘became’ homosexual after socializing with other homosexuals, or because of ‘trauma’ they got when they were very young, such as being raped by a man.”

My workmate also told me about her cousin—the wife—who refused to divorce her homosexual husband. “I will wait…” was her excuse. “What is she waiting for?” my workmate asked me again. (You can comment that my friend mistakenly asked me, and not directly asked her cousin and her husband. LOL.)

“Perhaps she also thinks that being homosexual is a kind of disease. It means she is convinced that one day her husband will be cured, and he will be back to her.” I was trying to analyze. (So “wise guy” of me. LOL.)

“But you said that it is not a kind of disease. If her husband is not cured, her waiting will be very useless. She doesn’t know what she is waiting for?”

(You can say that this workmate of mine is very naïve. LOL.)

To answer that question, I cited an experience of another woman. This woman said that her husband has never treated her well since they got married twelve years ago. He always makes her cry. Recently, she got a job, to help someone open a burger stall. She said that the money she got really made her feel that she was really an important person. The money also made her feel confident to face her future.

“If only my pay is enough to afford my own life and my two children, I would prefer to live separately from my husband who never loves me,” she said to me.

I, who intended to be a mediator between her and her husband, then told her husband about this. FYI, her husband told me that he married her only ‘to follow what patriarchal culture believes that everyone must get married to be considered ‘normal’ because the girl he loves married someone else. The wife who oftentimes loses her control when being angry and becomes a boxer and the husband is the victim failed to make him love her due to that habit. The husband seemed very relieved hearing what I said. “How much is ‘enough’ to afford her life and our two children? I don’t mind at all to give all my pay to her as long as she lets me go.” He said.

The following day, I told the wife about what her husband said. Can you guess what she responded?
“No mbak, No matter what I don’t want to be separated from him. I will do anything he asks me to as long as this marriage goes on. Please tell me what I should do, mbak? I don’t want my husband to leave me.”

What is your conclusion?
1. The two couples have a wrong intention to get married.
2. The two women follow what public believe, “To stay married is better than being divorced, although they have to live in a loveless marriage, although they have to shed blood tears because of unhappiness inside it.”
PT56 15.00 230308


johnorford said...

these situations are a vicious circle. gay ppl who don't have the guts to be openly gay are condemning other homosexuals to the same hardships they face.

i think gay ppl in indonesia need to be more courageous.

triesti said...

Why did you get married? and why did you get divorce? I think each has their own reasoning, who am i to judge.