Sex is (not) love

 

This meme has been viralized for years. I believe you have seen this before. I believe it is a good thing to teach our youngsters about this: sex is not love; dating is not love. So, those youngsters will not confuse sex/dating with love.

However, do you agree if I say that sex/lovemaking can be one form of showing deep devotion to the one we love? When we are deeply in love with someone, don't you think it is very understandable that we want to make love to him/her to show how much we want to give pleasure to our loved one? Are you familiar with a statement, "let us consummate our love!" for lovers who happen to live in two distant places, and when they meet, they want to perfect their love by making love? 

So? to some extent, sex or lovemaking is also love.

MS48 15.18 15 August 2025

How (un)sexual are you?

 

Samantha and Siddharta

In the DROUGHT, episode 11 from season 1 Sex and the City, Carrie said that New York is about sex; people getting it, people trying to get it, and people who can't get it. In this episode, each main character has their own sex problems: (1) Carrie stopped having sex with her 'perfect' boyfriend after she accidentally farted in front of Big. (and the trigger she farted was that she felt too comfortable in their relationship!) (2) when Carrie didn't have sex with Big for 3 days in a row, Miranda didn't have sex at all for three months. This seemingly trivial problem made them quarrel a bit. Farting was something human so it was okay for Carrie to fart; this is Miranda's opinion. On the other hand, Carrie considered it a big problem because after she farted, Big seemed to lose his interest to have sex with Carrie.

 

"Not doing it when you are with someone means much more than not doing it when you are not with someone."

 

Then two of them continued talking about it, till Carrie asked, "is it normal to be in the same bed and not do it?"

 

Miranda responded, "it depends on what is normal for you." everybody has his/her own opinion/measurement what is normal, for sure; or how many times someone has sex in a day / a week / a month; or how long someone can stand not having it.

 

To entertain herself, Miranda rented some videos at Blockbuster to watch. Coincidentally, somewhere near Blockbuster, there were some guys working on the street catcalled Miranda. They seemed to know that Miranda was entertaining herself in order not to think about sex all the time. However, when Miranda responded to those man, they retreated. One of them, "Relax, lady. I am married." This made Miranda mock them 😁

 

Samantha -- who seemed to avoid having one steady partner to have sex -- was trying to seduce Siddharta, her yoga instructor. Unfortunately, instead of following Samantha's sexual need, Siddharta even taught her how to control her libido. Siddharta claimed that he used to be fond of sex too until he thought that his need of sex was a problem (he said it was all just ego.) so he started practicing celibacy. Interestingly, Samantha was interested in practicing it, though it was hard. (Can we interpret it that to some extent, Samantha agrred with Siddharta that having high sexual drive is sometimes troublesome?)

 

After a few days, Samantha eventually could not control herself. She invited one man in her yoga class to have sex. She did it in front of Siddharta. When seeing Samantha and that man left his yoga class, Siddharta was dumbfounded, his face was sweating.

 

 

Charlotte got a new boyfriend in this episode. Without her knowing, Kevin used to go out with Carrie. Carrie dumped him because he was a sex maniac. Nevertheless, with Charlotte, Kevin was a different person. He was no longer sex maniac. Realizing that his sexual drive put him in trouble, Kevin consumed prozac. He thought in a relationship, sex was not important, more important was how a man treated his woman with kindness. Unfortunately, this even made Charlotte decide to dump him. 

See? Women also need sex in a relationship.

 

*******

 

When watching this episode for the first time several years ago, innocently I thought it would only happen in western countries, lol. However, recently, a good friend of mine once in a while tells me about her coach in the fitness center where she is a member. This coach is really addicted to sex. Interestingly, instead of having one steady sex partner, just like Samantha, she likes doing it with someone whom she happens to meet somewhere, for example when going traveling to Bali, let's say. Or sometimes she looks for dates online. Sounds very westernized, doesn't it? 🤪 or am I just outdated now? 🫢😑🤪

 

It reminded me of my discussion with some students of mine long time ago. Some male students said that no matter how much they needed sex, they were scared of sexually transmitted diseases. This stopped them from being promiscuous.

 

MS48 14.09 13 August 2025

 

Opinion

 

the pic was taken from here

"The belief that one's own view of reality is the only reality is the most dangerous of all delusions." ~ Paul Watzlawick ~

 

Reading the above-mentioned quote, I remember one short scene in SATC. In the scene, Carrie was together with Aleksander, one boyfriend of hers in the season 6. they were with Aleksander's workmates. One topic they discussed was their hostility towards people's opinion on something. When they asked Carrie, she responded, "I cannot answer that question because I am a writer where in my writings, I depend on people's opinion."

 

In this era, one view of (the so-called) reality can be, in fact, just an opinion or assumption. And Carrie's response struck me. Most writings of mine are based on opinion, even worse perhaps just based one assumption. This is why recently I have reduced my time to write for blogs. Perhaps it will be better if I 'hide' my opinion or assumption behind fiction. And I am not good at all to write fiction.

 

PT56 20.10 18 July 2025

 

Recent views

 As far as I am concerned, these past few weeks, there has been a very high increase of people visiting 2 blogs of mine, www.afeministblog.blogspot.com and www.nannasimplelife.com

And most of them come from Brazil. I am wondering if they 'stumble' to my blogs because of looking for information about Juliana Marins, one tourist from Brazil who accidentally fell on her trekking in Rinjani mountain, Lombok. Hmmm ...

Whilecin fact, I don't write anything at all about that accident.

UPY 23.00 05 July 2025

Toxic parents

 

In my previous writing, I wrote my own experience, that in my opinion, mothers love their children unconditionally, no matter what happens, a mother will always support her child. In Bahasa Indonesia, there is a proverb: "Kasih ibu sepanjang jalan, kasih anak sepanjang galah." or "A mother's love is as long as a road while a child's love is as long as a pole". In other words we can say a mother's love is timeless while a child's love is limited.

 

Is it always like this?

 

*******

 

Not long after Angie graduated from college in 2015, she got a job, as a content writer. Although the job was not in accordance with her educational background, I supported her to take it. I coincidentally just lost a job back then. Therefore, with her working and her own earning, I didn't need to give her pocket money anymore. I felt it was high time for her to learn to be responsible with her need.

 

Shockingly, one day Angie told me that one of her workmates -- a girl in her late teenage -- told Angie that she had to give more than 50% of her pay to her parents. As the first child, her parents taught her to be responsible to help make their ends meet. She graduated only from high school since her parents didn't have money to send her to college. She didn't complain. She thought that her parents had right to ask her to do that. Moreover her parents cited some verses from the holy Book that children were supposed to be indebted toward their parents to live in this world.

 

I believe that this workmate of Angie's is not the only one who shares the same idea: children must love their parents unconditionally by, let's say, giving the parents their pay after getting a job. I often read some statuses on social medias about toxic parents who treat their children as source of income. Worse than that, some toxic parents even ask the less loved kid to financially fulfill the other siblings' need.

 

Here is one sample showing that a mother can be toxic while the daughter even loves the mother unconditionally. I am of opinion that this kinda thing happens because the parents 'teach' their children like what I wrote above: "the holy Book instructs the children to love their parents unconditionally because without their parents, they will never exist in this world."

 

I screenshot it from 'threads'

 

 

PT56 13.27 11/09/2024

 

A mother's love versus a daughter's love

 

4 September 2022, at Gumuk Reco, Banyubiru, Ambarawa

When I knew that Mom was on her final days in this world, every day I was full of worry and anxiety. And of course I kept hoping that Mom would have longer life than what I was worried about. I could not figure out why I felt that way. What was I afraid of when I had to go on living without Mom?

 

As long as I remember, Mom raised her kids in a traditional way: "I know better than you do because I am your Mom; I am older than you so I know things better." This made me feel unsure to start talking about some personal matters openly. In this case, especially, is my 'converting' from being a religious Muslim to being an agnostic. I was not sure if she would accept my explanation; therefore when she scolded me because I didn't do any ritual pray, I kept quiet. Some blog friends advised me to talk about it with Mom openly, who knows then she would understand, but I chose to be quiet.

 

One time, Mom was really angry with me, perhaps because I never responded her interrogation about my stopping doing the rituals, I came to think that perhaps she would ask me to leave the house. I already said to Angie about this possibility, and she was ready to be with me.

 

(FYI, Angie and I never get involved to talk about our spiritual belief. Nevertheless, we both don't do religious rituals.)

 

In fact, Mom never asked me to leave the house, till she passed away. I am of opinion that despite the fact she used to scold me, she loved me unconditionally. No matter what I had done back then, she accepted me just the way I was.

 

After she was gone, I realized how brave, strong and tough Mom was, not to mention loving to her children. She was still 18 years old when marrying Dad, and he brought her to Semarang, a town located very far from her hometown, Gorontalo. (Dad is from Gorontalo too.) Both Mom and Dad did not have any relatives living in Semarang.

 

27 years after their marriage, Dad passed away, his body was buried in Semarang. This made Mom insist to stay in Semarang when her brother and sisters in Gorontalo asked her to go back to her hometown at that time. "In order to visit Dad's graveyard easily now and then" and I believe Mom chose this also in order that she didn't give a cultural shock to her four children, in case we moved to Gorontalo.

 

After Mom passed away, I came to think how her life perhaps would be easier if she moved back to Gorontalo, her siblings as well as her other relatives could be her shoulder to cry on when she needed one. This is why I thought that the decision to go on living in Semarang was for her children too.

 

I am of opinion that Mom belonged to a type of person who didn't think it was necessary to utter love to her children. She even was not accustomed to calling her children with loving nick, as I always call Angie, "honey …" But I know she loves her children unconditionally. Even though the way she raised me made me see her as an 'invincible' woman with whom I am not supposed to debate. In return, I cannot show her my love for her openly either.

 

*******

 

On facebook, I have a 'friend' who once a while writes about her relationship with her mom. Her mom belongs to the conventional type, that once in a while triggers conflict between my friend and her mom. When reading her statuses about her mom, I assume that her mom is more conventional than my Mom. For example, after my friend's daughter graduated from college, her mother spontaneously asked her to marry off her daughter. She believes that it the 'normal' step of a human being. My Mom was not like that at all. When she passed away, my younger sister was 47 years old, still single, and Mom accepted it, no grumpy utterances whatsoever.

 

On the other hand, in fact, I was more 'courageous' to face Mom than that friend of mine. For example, when I was a teenager, I already had an experience to go hiking/trekking, to ride my own motorcycle, one thing that she was not allowed to do by her mom, and she just obeyed her mom. While in fact, I already felt not 'that' free, let's say, Mom never allowed me to go out of town with my classmate, although we would go with her parents. Mom never allowed me to go camping although it was a school's activity.

 

I believe the way our mothers loved their daughters was different. My friend's mother was too worried if something wrong happened so she didn't have experiences like going hiking or riding motorcycle during her teenage years (including when she was in college). My mom was a bit like that, but she still let me go hiking and riding motorcycle.

 

The difference was I never had a heart to speak up to Mom, especially talking about my spiritual belief. This friend of mine, finally, had courage to confront her mom after she reached the age of fifty something, without feeling guilty.

 

Meanwhile, around 2 years ago, Angie told me that one good friend of hers was expelled from her house by her mother because the mother thought the daughter didn't want to listen to her, such as to save her income, such a trivial thing (for me) to ask a daughter to go out of the house. Angie's friend belongs to the Gen Z, who is accustomed to talking openly about anything, while her mother -- the Gen X -- could not accept that. Angie's friend left the house and lived in a boarding house.

 

Around 15 years ago, I also had a workmate who was expelled by her mother from home because of the quarrel between her parents, and my workmate was on her father's side! And this happened to her several times. (when this workmate of mine quarreled with her mother, she was expelled from home. Several months later, she went back home, when her mother was no longer angry. But then this happened again and again.)

 

As far as I remember, Angie and I never have such a fight that makes us stay away from each other. And I never understand how a mother can ask her child to leave the house for something trivial like that.

 

From some cases above, I cannot say that in general mothers love their children unconditionally.

 

------------------------

 

Several days after Mom passed away, I read Angie's blog about her grandma's passing. She gave it a title, "The sun in my family was gone." (Now I am wondering if she chose 'the sun' to describe her grandma because I labeled her as my lovely STAR? If she is a star, her grandma is the sun.) There she wrote about a wish she used to have when she was younger.

 

"I had a wish that I never wanted to experience someone dear in the family passes away. If I can choose, I want to do it first so that I don't need to feel the deep sorrow of being left."

 

This shocked me!

 

I don't think I can accept this! I want everything to run 'normally' in my life: those who pass (first) are those who are older than the others. Not only can I not accept it, but I also don't want to think about it. Let me die first. But I don't wanna leave Angie now or in the near future. Angie is still single and young. When Mom passed away, I was 51 years old and I have already had Angie, and until now I still sometimes shed tears when remembering Mom (I don't think I loved her enough back then.) I want, at least, Angie to have a loving and loved soul mate first, then has child who will comfort her from her sorrow. In my humble opinion, she needs a reliable shoulder to cry on. Although in my dictionary, I believe that no child is ready to be left by his/her loving/loved parent(s), especially a mother.

 

PT56 - MS48 05 September 2024

 

Is Death Scary?

 

One topic which is interesting to discuss in class -- when there is a chance for random topics -- is this: death is scary.

 

I often find students who agree with this statement: "death is scary". I figure out that most of them who agree with this are those who adhere with Islam as their religion. As someone who used to study Islam teachings since I started going to elementary school until I reached the age of 35 when I started learning about feminism, I completely understand why. Many people are afraid of death because of the threat of torture in hell when they lack of good deeds when living on this Earth. And as far as I know, most people feel not ready to die because of lacking these deeds.

 

Many students mention exactly like what I have in mind.

 

I have written in my previous writings that my transformation from a (secular) Muslim to be agnostic (I was also somewhat influenced by Buddhism's teaching) made me view death as no longer an entrance to either hell or heaven. I believe in hell or heaven no more. I may still believe in the existence God (you may see me as either Agnostic or Deist then) but of course I view God differently from what most Muslim people do. Death is only someone's experience to move from one dimension of life to another dimension of life.

 

When hearing my explanation above, many students of mine were in awe. I could see from their facial expression. "How could Ms. Nana easily say that?" Then they thought that I never know Islam teaching. :)

 

One week ago, I happened to talk about this topic with a new student of mine. Surprisingly, she shared similar view with me: she is not scared of death. One thing she is worried is if her death will make people close to her feel sad. This really made two of us! Isn't it very interesting? Nevertheless, there is another more painful thing related to death though, for me: if someone very dear to me has to move to another dimension when I am still alive.

 

PT56 16.30 23 July 2024

 

P.S.:

 

The phrase "that makes two of us" is an idiomatic expression used to indicate agreement with someone else's statement or feeling