Toxic parents

 

In my previous writing, I wrote my own experience, that in my opinion, mothers love their children unconditionally, no matter what happens, a mother will always support her child. In Bahasa Indonesia, there is a proverb: "Kasih ibu sepanjang jalan, kasih anak sepanjang galah." or "A mother's love is as long as a road while a child's love is as long as a pole". In other words we can say a mother's love is timeless while a child's love is limited.

 

Is it always like this?

 

*******

 

Not long after Angie graduated from college in 2015, she got a job, as a content writer. Although the job was not in accordance with her educational background, I supported her to take it. I coincidentally just lost a job back then. Therefore, with her working and her own earning, I didn't need to give her pocket money anymore. I felt it was high time for her to learn to be responsible with her need.

 

Shockingly, one day Angie told me that one of her workmates -- a girl in her late teenage -- told Angie that she had to give more than 50% of her pay to her parents. As the first child, her parents taught her to be responsible to help make their ends meet. She graduated only from high school since her parents didn't have money to send her to college. She didn't complain. She thought that her parents had right to ask her to do that. Moreover her parents cited some verses from the holy Book that children were supposed to be indebted toward their parents to live in this world.

 

I believe that this workmate of Angie's is not the only one who shares the same idea: children must love their parents unconditionally by, let's say, giving the parents their pay after getting a job. I often read some statuses on social medias about toxic parents who treat their children as source of income. Worse than that, some toxic parents even ask the less loved kid to financially fulfill the other siblings' need.

 

Here is one sample showing that a mother can be toxic while the daughter even loves the mother unconditionally. I am of opinion that this kinda thing happens because the parents 'teach' their children like what I wrote above: "the holy Book instructs the children to love their parents unconditionally because without their parents, they will never exist in this world."

 

I screenshot it from 'threads'

 

 

PT56 13.27 11/09/2024

 

A mother's love versus a daughter's love

 

4 September 2022, at Gumuk Reco, Banyubiru, Ambarawa

When I knew that Mom was on her final days in this world, every day I was full of worry and anxiety. And of course I kept hoping that Mom would have longer life than what I was worried about. I could not figure out why I felt that way. What was I afraid of when I had to go on living without Mom?

 

As long as I remember, Mom raised her kids in a traditional way: "I know better than you do because I am your Mom; I am older than you so I know things better." This made me feel unsure to start talking about some personal matters openly. In this case, especially, is my 'converting' from being a religious Muslim to being an agnostic. I was not sure if she would accept my explanation; therefore when she scolded me because I didn't do any ritual pray, I kept quiet. Some blog friends advised me to talk about it with Mom openly, who knows then she would understand, but I chose to be quiet.

 

One time, Mom was really angry with me, perhaps because I never responded her interrogation about my stopping doing the rituals, I came to think that perhaps she would ask me to leave the house. I already said to Angie about this possibility, and she was ready to be with me.

 

(FYI, Angie and I never get involved to talk about our spiritual belief. Nevertheless, we both don't do religious rituals.)

 

In fact, Mom never asked me to leave the house, till she passed away. I am of opinion that despite the fact she used to scold me, she loved me unconditionally. No matter what I had done back then, she accepted me just the way I was.

 

After she was gone, I realized how brave, strong and tough Mom was, not to mention loving to her children. She was still 18 years old when marrying Dad, and he brought her to Semarang, a town located very far from her hometown, Gorontalo. (Dad is from Gorontalo too.) Both Mom and Dad did not have any relatives living in Semarang.

 

27 years after their marriage, Dad passed away, his body was buried in Semarang. This made Mom insist to stay in Semarang when her brother and sisters in Gorontalo asked her to go back to her hometown at that time. "In order to visit Dad's graveyard easily now and then" and I believe Mom chose this also in order that she didn't give a cultural shock to her four children, in case we moved to Gorontalo.

 

After Mom passed away, I came to think how her life perhaps would be easier if she moved back to Gorontalo, her siblings as well as her other relatives could be her shoulder to cry on when she needed one. This is why I thought that the decision to go on living in Semarang was for her children too.

 

I am of opinion that Mom belonged to a type of person who didn't think it was necessary to utter love to her children. She even was not accustomed to calling her children with loving nick, as I always call Angie, "honey …" But I know she loves her children unconditionally. Even though the way she raised me made me see her as an 'invincible' woman with whom I am not supposed to debate. In return, I cannot show her my love for her openly either.

 

*******

 

On facebook, I have a 'friend' who once a while writes about her relationship with her mom. Her mom belongs to the conventional type, that once in a while triggers conflict between my friend and her mom. When reading her statuses about her mom, I assume that her mom is more conventional than my Mom. For example, after my friend's daughter graduated from college, her mother spontaneously asked her to marry off her daughter. She believes that it the 'normal' step of a human being. My Mom was not like that at all. When she passed away, my younger sister was 47 years old, still single, and Mom accepted it, no grumpy utterances whatsoever.

 

On the other hand, in fact, I was more 'courageous' to face Mom than that friend of mine. For example, when I was a teenager, I already had an experience to go hiking/trekking, to ride my own motorcycle, one thing that she was not allowed to do by her mom, and she just obeyed her mom. While in fact, I already felt not 'that' free, let's say, Mom never allowed me to go out of town with my classmate, although we would go with her parents. Mom never allowed me to go camping although it was a school's activity.

 

I believe the way our mothers loved their daughters was different. My friend's mother was too worried if something wrong happened so she didn't have experiences like going hiking or riding motorcycle during her teenage years (including when she was in college). My mom was a bit like that, but she still let me go hiking and riding motorcycle.

 

The difference was I never had a heart to speak up to Mom, especially talking about my spiritual belief. This friend of mine, finally, had courage to confront her mom after she reached the age of fifty something, without feeling guilty.

 

Meanwhile, around 2 years ago, Angie told me that one good friend of hers was expelled from her house by her mother because the mother thought the daughter didn't want to listen to her, such as to save her income, such a trivial thing (for me) to ask a daughter to go out of the house. Angie's friend belongs to the Gen Z, who is accustomed to talking openly about anything, while her mother -- the Gen X -- could not accept that. Angie's friend left the house and lived in a boarding house.

 

Around 15 years ago, I also had a workmate who was expelled by her mother from home because of the quarrel between her parents, and my workmate was on her father's side! And this happened to her several times. (when this workmate of mine quarreled with her mother, she was expelled from home. Several months later, she went back home, when her mother was no longer angry. But then this happened again and again.)

 

As far as I remember, Angie and I never have such a fight that makes us stay away from each other. And I never understand how a mother can ask her child to leave the house for something trivial like that.

 

From some cases above, I cannot say that in general mothers love their children unconditionally.

 

------------------------

 

Several days after Mom passed away, I read Angie's blog about her grandma's passing. She gave it a title, "The sun in my family was gone." (Now I am wondering if she chose 'the sun' to describe her grandma because I labeled her as my lovely STAR? If she is a star, her grandma is the sun.) There she wrote about a wish she used to have when she was younger.

 

"I had a wish that I never wanted to experience someone dear in the family passes away. If I can choose, I want to do it first so that I don't need to feel the deep sorrow of being left."

 

This shocked me!

 

I don't think I can accept this! I want everything to run 'normally' in my life: those who pass (first) are those who are older than the others. Not only can I not accept it, but I also don't want to think about it. Let me die first. But I don't wanna leave Angie now or in the near future. Angie is still single and young. When Mom passed away, I was 51 years old and I have already had Angie, and until now I still sometimes shed tears when remembering Mom (I don't think I loved her enough back then.) I want, at least, Angie to have a loving and loved soul mate first, then has child who will comfort her from her sorrow. In my humble opinion, she needs a reliable shoulder to cry on. Although in my dictionary, I believe that no child is ready to be left by his/her loving/loved parent(s), especially a mother.

 

PT56 - MS48 05 September 2024